It's called christmas not santa mas

Why am I not painting anymore? Simply because I made so many and they would not sell, I had to give them away.  I still have them coming out my ears.

     Anyway Christmas is a joyful time of year.  On the flipside you spend days and days thinking about the PERFECT gift for everyone, then it is all over in a matter of seconds.  A wise woman once told me that if they complain or say something like "Oh I already have that." or "I didn't want this" just don't get them anything ever again.  I think that is brilliant, not to mention logical and money saving.

     So one down and one to go. We leave Thursday for Florida to celebrate Christmas with Mikes family.
  I did not ask for anything this Christmas because I have all I need, my husband, family, faith, and health. 
On a side note I personally don't think christmas should be called xmas but I do think that people should say happy holidays just so they can be pc. Can't we all just get along???

    

not creating a bucket list yet!!!

So I feel great and the horses give me a sense of tranquility.  When I am at the stables I get this big smile on my face.  Horses are used  to routines and if you break their routines they get mad and fussy.  Case and point normally I take Kim out of her stall and into the corral,  then Daffney comes in from her corral into Kims stall, the Dearaz goes out into Daffneys corral.  Well yesterday I did the first 2 steps and then took Cash and Stoney out, Dearaz was so mad she pinned her ears and tried to bite Stoney on the rump as we walked past.  Dearaz wound up being the last to go out.  Normally when I put her in her corral she waits at the gate for me to put her halter up then come back and give her some love before she goes and gets the hay Daffney left.  Man that horse can hold a grudge.  She just walked away and then refused to come when I called.  So I figured if sweet talk doesn't work bribery will.  I was right I gave her a treat and all was forgiven. 
  Jewel is a ham, when I park she sees it as here duty to greet me.  Ebony is sweet as sweet can be she will walk right next to you as you walk thru the corral.  But her owner comes EVERY night and rides her and gives her love and affection.

   People don't realize just how therapeutic horses and humans are to each other.  If you take a kid that has been abused and or neglected and put him around horses they will teach him trust and love and vice versa.
So right now these horses are saving my life...yet again.  As I have always said: God forbid I go to a heaven without horses.

Ahh sweet routine

I never thought I would say this but I am grateful my life is boring and predictable now.  Due to the fact that we never know when the next big thing will pop up I am reveling in this quiet time. 

  So I was really worried about my MRI, but Dr. Fink reassured me that it was stable so i don't have to worry about that.  The net day I got my 4th and final root canal and my headaches went away completely.  Now I only get a headache if my body is trying to tell me something i.e dehydrated, hungry, tired, sleeping too much etc.

    Something else is helping my headaches.  Horses.  I got a volunteer position at the English riding stables on Jupiter.  The owner that I have met, Freya is awesome~!~!  Sarah H. wrote a letter of reccomendation to prove that I have alot of horse experience.  I am eternally grateful to her for that.  If she had not done that I would still be in the house all day obsessing about my own death and worrying that every twinge of pain was snarla staging a comeback.  Now whenever I get nervous I go hang with the horses.  My favorites (don't tell them) are Dearaz, Tusca and Tommy.  I get to walk them to the grass, groom them and generally hang out with them and give them lots of love.  Tommy's owner has cancer and she can no longer come take care of him so I do it or as much as I can.  He is a TB which is a highly active breed and though I used to work with only Thoroughbreds I now don't have the strength to handle a highly skittish horse.  That and I don't want to risk getting kicked in the head.   I know he wouldn't mean to hurt me but they can easily injure me and if I did not know what I was doing they would.

   Teresa always wanted me to get out of the house and do something that I love, but the only thing I wanted to do was work and be around horses. Period.  I knew that was what would make me feel better and feel alive again so thank god for Sarah Hamilton. 

Did I mention I am free labor? But I am not exactly free my payment is being around these majestic, calm, and healing creatures. Once again horses will save my life.  Once again I realize that I have something  to live for: God, my husband, horses, and prove snarla is a little weenie biznatch.

Thanks again for reading.  I could not do this without you guys.  Thank you.

one year anniversary

When I tink of this day last year I shudder.  I did not know for certain that I would make it through the day.  Looking back I now see how brave I was.  Going into that surgery with uncertain out come and uncertain that I would be alive after.  There was a possibility that I would die on the table.

THANK GOD I did not die.  I truly believe that had it not been for all the prayers,  my outcome would have been drastically different.  Yet here I am one year to the day later back to normal for everyone that doesn't live with me.  Looking back I don't know how or were I summoned the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you so much!! You are the reason I am alive, You and your prayers and YOUR faith.  I had none sure I cast a few pleading last ditch prayers of my own but I did not believe they were heard.  Apparently Valerie Spratlin was right I have a higher purpose.  I do not know what that is but I am determined to find out. 


THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!

praying that she stays asleep

So my situation is different from most people in my tumorland.  Every case is unique and every tumor has chance of recurrence; but is my fear really justified?  Someone always tells me "don't borrow trouble".  I don't think I am borrowing trouble by being afraid.  I am scared $@%#less because unlike other people that have had their tumors completely resected and are in in full remission (I.E. no trace of tumor cells) snarla is just asleep.  Everyday I think "Will I be alive this time next year?".  I cannot help it and if you haven't been in this situation before you cannot begin to understand what that is like.  Don't get me wrong, you can and do empathize and for that I grateful. 
     However everytime you get a headache you don't think about the life threatening thing that is just dormant in you brain waiting to strike.  IF I die naturally it will be from brain cancer.  I have no illusions and I know that later today I could get hit by a bus. DUH.  I wish people would just STOP telling me that as if it is going to make me feel better.  I am Fully aware of just how fragile and precious life is.  I studied it, I have worked with hospice and I have also worked with old people,  as matter of fact I have ALWAYS worked with dying people.  I used to want to open a funeral parlor.  I am not morbid I was just over exposed to death in my developing stages.
Now I have cancer that will kill me if given the chance.   I don't want to dabble in coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I no longer no how to grab life by the horns.  I have lost a bit of myself to her (Snarla).  They told me I would only get back 90% of who I was before.  They were right and the things I lost were the things I did not need.  That is how to deal with this so I don't go insane. But I am noticing other things that were lost, history, names of historical figures, geography.  They say that the one thing that can never be stripped from you is your knowledge I am living proof that is a false statement.  Everything that you have, everything that you are CAN be taken away.
 I am NOT strong, none of us are; we just do like you, just trying to cope with this.  I am still figuring out how.
By rereading this blog it looks and sounds like I am begging for sympathy, when what I am actually saying is just give me ideas on how to cope.  Help me. I will be strong of spirit again and I am working on being physically strong again as well.

But if life doesn't challenge you, you are doing it wrong.

The amazing walk

So yesterday was an emotional day for us.  We went to the brain tumor walk.  To all of you that donated Team AJG raised a whopping sum of over $2000.  Thank you so much for your support I could not keep on going if it weren't for all the dear precious people that are there for me day or night, not to mention the prayers.
So yesterday was amazing to see all the people that got up early and braved the frigid temps just to support us.  It was stunning when all of us went up to the front and got our picture taken I was looking out into the crowd (which was massive 2000 strong at least)  I was overwhelmed with such emotion that I could not talk about it without starting to cry.  I was speechless and still am speechless. The support and will to live is so strong in all of us.  And we would not be alive without YOU.  So the next time you think of a cancer patient as an inspiration Please take a look in the mirror. Without your support we would definitely be dead.  So give yourself credit.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!

The Joys of Chemo

So chemo sux.  I assume all of you know the rep chemo has.
But what they don't put emphasis on is teeth  well they mentioned it but I did not heed them I had other things on my mind, like surviving.

Any way dry mouth is crappy side effect.  I have to have a second root canal on Tuesday. Bledsoe said "This one is on the house because you have so much on your plate"   Of all the things to get for free...  I don't like tools put in my mouth.

So word of warning to others.  Take care of your teeth before you start chemo because once you start having problems and go to the dentist it is already too little too late.

happy and afraid

If you have this disease you can relate.  Even though I had a clean (dormant tumor cells) MRI I can't help but have a twinge o anxiety when I get a headache.  Not only that, but I have a bone crushing wave of terror wash through me when I get a Sudden BAD headache.  Am I foolish to want another MRI now?  I mean in the beginning it grew 50% in a month  1 month and I had to have major surgery quickly so I would not die. 
I cannot wrap my head around this.  They changed my meds and Pam says I have PTSD from the experience.  She says it is normal but that doesn't stop me from being scared out of my mind. 

I am home with the dogs all day long.  Yesterday I slept for 20 hrs.  That scares me because the One thing everyone who has dealt with this disease has said is when it grows and hits something vital in your brain you will start sleeping ALOT.  I am so tired all the time. The doctors are hopeful that snarla will stay dormant forever, but that is simply a good front to make me feel better about actively dying.

To those of you that are used to me being cheery and funny in this blog I am deeply sorry.  This is how I feel and I have to get it out otherwise I will stew on it and eventually crack.

I have been thinking about people in my past from Ky and Ga and I am sorry to say that I am deeply ashamed of how I acted.  I never had any self control and I pissed people off all the time because I was angry about mom.  Dad said when I was little I would find out what someone HATED and do it over and over again until they gave up on me.  Now I really need support and I don't easily accept it because I was raised to never take anything from anyone.  Connie V tried to break me of this...unsuccessfully.  I don't mean to shun you for being nice to me.  It is just that I am so used to criticism. When I was diagnosed with this everyone changed their tune.  A 180  and it confused me.

I am working on not telling everyone everything.  I am just now realizing it is massively inappropriate. 

Bottom line I am terrified that snarla will wake up and quickly take me out quickly.  I wish she was on the right side of my brain. But she is nasty and mean as a snake.

I am going to have "OOPS" on my tomb stone....

So fellow cancer fans...
I went to the dentist today and she fit my with a bite splint  Unfortunately it is cutting my lip.  After that was my first workout.  Then I came home and took my chemo.....wait for it....

Then they called and told me that my platelets are low 76.  OOPS
Well whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Anyway, I have been writing this blog as a guide to other cancer patients as to how it feels to actively go thru cancer.  If anyone else got brain cancer and they went thru what I went thru and this guide helps them even a little bit better about having this terminal disease, then I have accomplished my goal.

Teresa was always asking me "What message are you trying to convey?"  Well Teresa above is your answer.

I spoke with my friend of over 13 years and I still care deeply for Daniel m,  we saved each others lives when we were 16.


My husband and sisters and assorted other people have been invaluable to me during this exp.  And I am a changed woman if you think I am inspirational take a good long look in the mirror.  You are my inspiration and support and I thank you for standing by me. 

Love you all, and barring an act of higher power I will be here for years to come.

News

To everyone that has supported us in the Brain Tumor Walk....THANK YOU!!!!!
    So yesterday I saw my oncologist and she said that the edema has gone gone down enough to allow them the see the scar tissue and DORMANT  cancer cells.  Mike was angry when I told him about the cancer cells and I attempted to explain they are dormant.  He was in no mood to hear it bc he is irked about something else,  anyway he called Vanessa and she alleviated his fears and clarified the information for him.

  He thought they got it ALL out and I told him that it was On TOP of my movement center so they couldn't possibly have re-sectioned the entire thing, otherwise I would be bedridden unable to speak or do absolutely anything for myself.  He says what is afraid of is it coming back more aggressive and resistant to treatment and  I will leave this world.   I told him that WILL happen there is No avoiding it, the only thing we can do is make the most of our time here together.  We hope it doesn't come back for years as in plural we would like to have at least 1 year with no tumor worries.  Is that so much to ask?  
It isn't me that is worried or scared or any other negative emotion.  I am simply waiting.

My motto:  Expect the worst and hope for the best.  (That way you cannot be disappointed)

New View

Hello again to all of you that are following me,

So Michael and I were discussing what is different from before the surgery: here is what we came up with

The night terrors are GONE, bye-bye, poof

I no longer wake up in the middle of the night screaming or crying or striking out viciously  as if to ward of some unseen assailant.  Gone are the nights of nightmares about my previous life before the surgery. While Snarla was a resident she gave me night terrors I believe they started '01.  You see actually '01 she (Snarla) started to grow which in turn started to affect me and my behavior.  But it was so so slow growing and  such subtle changes that doctors misdiagnosed me with all sorts of different psychiatric disorder however 1 single thing was consistent: ADHD SEVERE HYPERACTIVTY.  Why did they not do an MRI?  Because I had one....when I was 8. 

Instead of shying away from touch I appreciate it.
Those two things have majorly changed my life and outlook on life. I have been reading Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, World Renowned Thanatologist (Expert on the dying process) she states a dying person needs touch to stay alive to give them a reason to fight like hell to survive.  It is a fact that infants need to hear their mother breathing and caring touch to grow into a happy, mentally healthy child.  I am warming up to hugging and being hugged in return.

     I like finding out peoples life stories and learning from them. I enjoy putting those lessons to work.

I will never forget this: There was a  Jamaican Nurse while I was at MD ANDERSON, she was on nights.  She was my favorite nurse because she reached out to me like none of the other nurses did.

For example: one night she heard me crying, I did not call her, she came in anyway  just to see what was going on,and if there was anything wrong.  There was a guy on HOUSE having a seizure and I was bawling because I know exactly how painful that type of seizure is. It frightened me to my very core.  She comforted  me and stayed with me until I calmed down; which was was a considerable amt of time for a nurse to stay with a patient.  She told me stories, which I  partly learned to speak from.  She spoke about how lucky I am to have Michael. She spoke of her home and her kids and all about her life. I, as a patient was honored that she chose to share this information with me. Mind you, this stay was over Thanksgiving so she was on duty and missed thanksgiving dinner with her family. That Thanksgiving I was thankful to have her to lean on.

People in hospitals need to take a step out of their roles as doctors and nurses to be sympathetic or empathetic to the patient. That is what Nurse Jamaica did even visitors were allowed and especially when no visitors were allowed.


I am planning to put everything that I have learned through cancer and my whole life toward hospice or hospital patients.

just trying to get the word out......

Michael, Amy, Laura C, and I have created a team for the  DFW Brain Tumor Walk at Trinity Park in Ft. Worth (http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/PageServer?pagename=BTW_TX_Homepage) no November 6th.  I was wondering if anyone is interested in joining the team. What would be required to join is the following:

• Be willing to raise at least $350 in donations from friends, family, and co-workers.
• Pay a $50 registration fee (not sure if this counts to the donation goal).
• Put up a personal web page (if you want).
• Show up at Trinity Park on November 6th, between 8 and 9 am, rain or shine.
• Walk 5k (or not, you don't have to) and enjoy the festivities afterward.
• If you can't make it but you still want to be a part of the team, you can become a Virtual Walker (all the responsibilities, but no walking).

If interested, please reply to me. I'll get back to you later.

If you can't do it, no problem. I'll be contacting you for a donation later.

Take care,
Mike

sweet Freedom

SO today I made it 29.  I could not have done it without the prayers and positive vibes being sent my way.  I would also like to thank The Most loving, supportive, dependable husband in the entire world. Michael If it weren't for you....... You know the rest.

SO when Dr fink told me I should sign up for a driving evaluation I forgot to ask if I could ride a bike. I called the Driving evaluation place and it will be on sept 26.   I just called and asked if I could ride a bike and they said it was up to us and as long as I can balance and wear a helmet.  The guy that did my physical therapy said I had better balance than any other patient he had seen.  And since I have accepted the fact that I won't be able to drive now, I am glad.  That gives Teresa and I enough time to get me ready to drive.

The point is that My Husband and I are going to purchase a bike for my birthday!! I feel like a child,  getting so enthusiastic about a bike but it will allow me to get some freedom.

Anyway My next MRI is the 24th and I meet with Dr. Fink the following Monday. SO I will keep you posted!

the rest of my life

The 2nd MRI came back clean!!!! And I still haven't vomited but I am REALLY Fatigued. Anyway, I want to let everyone that has prayed for me   THANK YOU!!!! I got a card from an entire congregation in arksas. I haveo drive again I am going to the nursing home and let them know that I would like to volunteer...in any way possible.  I am thinking of volunteering for hospice I mean I did it once before and they gave me a pt that NO ONE else could take he had skin cancer and it had eaten awy his entire nose and tongue and because every one gasped in horror when they saw him so I had A priest meet me and introduce me to him  and he explained Just how bad it was and so I said OK.   They said he was happiest toward the end of his life than they had ever seen. I think I am being called to hospice care.
I read another cancer survivors story and how she felt like I do and I thought about what I was going to do to fill my time when I am able to drive. That and the one I saw on the woman who has survived cancer and became an artist I saw that on the news.  I have a Parade magazine that I found yesterday that is dedicated to Cancer in America. 

Anyway, THANK YOU PEOPLE that are praying for me. keep on keeping on.

my morning

So I went to speech therapy and had a seizure in the waiting room then I had 2 more with her holding me.  she called Fink and she said GO TO THE ER!!!
So I went in at 9 and just got home at 215.  how is your day..

I am walking

as Most of u know, they TRIPLED my chemo.  More fatigued everyday but I try to take Indy down To Jamba Juice and get an energizing drink,  then walk back  KABLAM!!!!!!!! In yo face doubter mcdoubterson...That is 2 thats righ two MILES  There is a wise woman mary manasse Mother Of Daniel Mannasse:  "I say I are gonna do it and people say YOU CANT."  I say F you watch me.  

Direct quote. 

lots of news

 loop: I had an MRI last saturday then went to dr Fink to see what the results were THE SECOND CLEAN MRI.    have not decrisped enough for her to tell any more info. They tripled my chemo dose  and that is curious considering they havenot seen anything for the last 2 months.  I guess it is designed to really get in there and fight with whats left of Snarla (f ing biatch)  you want to tangle with the Andrea Jordan-Garramone?  Bring it!!!!!

there is a first time for evrything

Let me tell you a story:  A woman just getti ng back from speech therapy. she is completely BUCK NAKED when she goes and looks thru the peep hole. I though it was Jenni Lomberdi a memeber of our church. So she runs upstairs frintic to find something to put on eventually she chose a bathing suit cover.  As she hurried back downstairs her dogs going APE she threw them outside and after a scurry checked the peephole agin just 2 old women.  I opened the door and asked "Are you jenni lomebardi?" she replied , "we are jehovas witnesses."

FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE Those people knocked on my door and there is baptist church down the road and it is a very jewish neighborhood and there is a MONK and buddhist temple next door.

Grey Matters

child hood. trauma emotional scarring that never heals btw...and that 5 yr old grew up to have brain cancer.  My luck I will go into remission then die from a bird flying into my head at full speed. I have decided firmly that 10% of the profit on ANY of my art goes to Grey Matters.  My support group.  Feel free to donate.

may 2010

Shrink says Stop feeling like a victim.
I now garden and paint.
Can't go back to the state and I knew that the minute they said abnormal mri that it was not only malignant but what grandmama and ches have.
Its 2010i just went through radiation and my next mri is this saturday.  6/1/10 is the appt To go over the results.
And check my peripheral vision clear to drive?
I went for the test to tell where I am mentally.  They are going to let my brain 12-18 mos until we can really say I'm in remission.
I had an auditory halucination i heard mike say She Is Dead.   My pt is I was frozen in fear for a second before i woke up scared as hades. I realized I need to get my driving priviliges and go out. even if my radius is 5 miles.

my art

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=155231&id=511373616&l=2fae0cd90c

everything

Let me tell you if you do not like LONG blogs leave now.

this sux yeah i;m not denying it...
My shrink said to me STOP BEING A VICTIM because I was OBSESSED with death.  Any way I was fuming at her but she was right. Couple days later while pulling weeds (Oliver that is how I am getting better physically.
She also said not eating is pseudosuicide. I AM N O T MY MOTHER.   This Tumor will rip me physically limb from limb but I would not do anything to consciosly hurt myself.
Mike introduced me to protein bars. wherever you see me you can guaranteed protein bar is not far be hind.
I find my days slipping by happily thanks to the park . I am Using the meditation techniqe the Monk across the street taught me.
Painting when it is rainy at park if it is a pretty day.  physically i find I find I am slowly becoming more coordinated.   I can dance like move my feet real fast and not fall down.left over right vice versa.
btw My hair is growing back it is not growing wher the plate is but everywhere else.

ePIPHANY / REMEMBERING

so you need to know me and a wee bit of background,  I talk about Death ALL THE TIME!  Not kidding and I know how to turn ANY convo to about death.

One day a person from my supprt group gave me pam abernathy s #  I called and we set up an  apppt mike qwent witgh me she told me flatly in front of mike Her precise words were:"stop making yourself a victim." stop obsesssing about death it is gonna happpen to us all and we are living onb the other hand you are walking dead. I was mad at her of course and I did not think she was nice but it took me about a week and I stopped being mad and started to think. stop obsessing about death and obsess how I am gonnna get through this and on to the next hurdle. I felt like a weight was lifted

Holy crap I have been at the park since 11 am and it is now 6pm.  Time for meds and bed.  My other goal is to wear myself out every day. I want my muscles back they've atrophied badly so I garden and paint since I cannot get to the gym and since I can't drive I take my dogs to the park on the corner.  I met pastor Jeremy he was nice and gave me free reign.  SCORE!!!!!!!!!
I can paint while the dogs run around.    YAY

Dave Matthews Band eery how correct

Lying in the park on a beautiful day
Sunshine in the grass, and the children play
Siren’s passing, fire engine red
Someone’s house is burning down on a day like this

The evening comes and we’re hanging out
On the front step and a car rolls by with the windows rolled down
And that war song is playing, “why can’t we be friends?”
Someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
Somebody’s going hungry and someone else is eating out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in your lovers kiss
Like a pretty bird on a breeze or water to a fish
A bomb blast brings a building crashing to the floor
You hear the laughter while the children play war

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me
It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small, remember how it used to be
With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

Watch the sky, the jet planes, so far out of my reach
Is there someone up there looking down on me?
Boy chase a bird, so close but every time
He’ll never catch her, but he can’t stop trying

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s broken heart becomes your favorite song
Funny the way it is, if you think about it
A kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me
It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small, remember how it used to be
With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

how I became what I am now

If you told me 5 yrs ago that I would be marrired with A life threatening illness and that I would have undergone an AWAKE craniotomy.   I....well quite simply I would be afraid of you.


Used to work for the Department of Aging and Disability Services.  Started tripping more and falling down in fact it got to where I would fall everyday.  But it was the extreme nausea and the vomiting in the midmorning that made me go to the doctor.  Sharon had sent me home.

I confessed to the doc that my head was constantly hurting and it was just something I had learned to live with.  That caused him to order an MRI. Due to the fact that maternal Grandmother and Maternal cousin have brain cancer. ches and I have anaplstic astrocytoma, his is on the right, mine is on the left both of us it is in our frontal lobe.  Grandmama opted to have surgery to remove her GBM (on the left side) to extend her life a measley few months.  What can I say I want quality (I'll be a bigger burden if I get paralyzed in my right side) Not quantity and the only reason I did the surgery is because Dr. Fredrick Lang was a smooth talker and a quality surgeon. Now My brain has fully switched from left to right.  and now I am tapping into my creative side.

Let the de-crisping process continue

Natasha Bedingfield

"Happy"

Ooh.. Oooooohhh.
Landlords Knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how
I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can u tell me what’s the point man,
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

[Chorus:]
Someone just tell me
That it’s ok now
What are you worried about

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight

And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of
Cause fear is only in our heads

Someone please say...

[Chorus]

Any day ill go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if Id be confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beatis hiding inside of me

But it’s ok now...what are you worrying about...

[Chorus]

Keep your grind on girl...it’s your love, it’s your world... [Repeat 2x]

[Chorus]

why is cancer a 4 letter word? I mean it has6 letters

from birth we are all immediately start dying.  so when you get a debilitating such as I have you contemplate alot of things.
1 I have NO regrets
2 going int this with a positive attitude
3 drs assure me......

what do they assure me of? in addition to Keppra they put me on Lamictal.  the pain isn't too terribly bad...of course I have just taken a half a valium so I block out the parts that are to painfull.  some require one coat of forget other things (Seizure)  I don't think I will ever totally forget but it is taking more coats than moms death.  Of course I was a 5-6 yr old then and now I am 28 suffering from cancer..not just any cancer I have the uber deadly left frontal lobe tumor.  at least when ches found out it was like thank god it is not on his left side.

My question is when do you stop fighting and just give in.  thoughts of death especially with the leigh tragedy.  I can definately PROMISE THAT I WILL NOT TAKE MY LIFE that is the ultimate selfish gesture.  I see it as you giving the finger to evryone that cares for you.  And NO I don't want to do that.

I am thankful for those of you that take time to read my ramblings.  

2 Leigh Norred Pope R I P

murdered by her own brother.  leaving behind a 3week old baby and a husband.   How could someone do that?
THATS WRONG!!!!!!!!!
But alas if not for grief stricken when else do we talk to that chick we used to know from high school?  Or that person you met right at the end of college or those relationships that were too tedious to keep up with?  Yes when they die all the coulda, woulda, shoulda, comes out.  but its not the why ytou should be worried about.   death is the ultimate peace. She is watching over baby haley just like a mother should this means that baby Haley is going to have a blessed life.  Everything thing that happens there IS a reason.  why didn't this happen before leigh had haley?? why now? why was this child robbed of her birth mother?  this child is going to have rough go but she will change the world.
Blessed be. Be at rest Leigh Norred Pope.

The Definition of a BAD Neighbor

Ok so we have these neighbors that leave their yippie little dogs outside all day and don't bring them in until 11 at night.  Our neighbor accused us of being the creator or holder of these ROTTEN dogs.  But I raised sasha and Indy better than that.  The only time they will bark is if they are meeting a brand new person or on their walk or in petsmart.  In the house and in the backyard a stern look from me and perhaps one NO.  they DON"T bark.

However in our neighbors case that is not so.  WHY ON EARTH DO YOU OWN DOGS IN A PLACE WHERE THERE IS NO BACKYARD.  THEN LEAVE YOUR DOGS OUTSIDE ALL DAY AND NIGHT.  Warning: the rest of us (without noisy flippin yippy dogs) are filing a formal complaint.  And since you don't read this I hope your dogs get you kicked out.  
I am ripping angry because my neighbor flat out accused indy and sasha of being noisy in the back at 130......well lady unless they teleported out of their kennels and then back in before we got home at 2. Freaking LIAR.  She has had it out for  sasha since we got her.


Helpful tip for accusing your neaighbor and getting away with it.
1) Make sure they are at home when you are going to SAY you heard their dog barking.

I haven't gotten that upset in months.  Cross me or MIke shame on you but cross our dogs and I will go nutso.

in my head ther is a monster waiting to attack again (to the tune of cranberries 'In your head')

So Mike and I talked it over and as my brain cools from the burning and is adjusting to the poison we speculate that I am at 70/100% 
Dr N told me I was at 80%. but that was before the radiation.  I get to have a neuropsych evaluation to see if (well I'll put it bluntly) I am brain damaged and deficient for life and what I need to work on as far as speech therapy, OT & PT.

Anyway I just can't get enough of that rabbits  .....  filter.....
Paul told me to be friends with the nausea.  Eat stuff that tastes just as good coming back up as it does goin down.  He recommended gummy bears.  Even though I haven't vomited I have heard that oral chemo in some ways makes you as sick if not sicker than IV chemo.  Hell,  IT'S POISON PEOPLE.  Wouldn"t that be messed up if it didn't make you sick.  That would mean its not working or you got a bad batch.  Anyway my point is they are having me swallow a poison pill for 12 weeks of of the year.  That is 60 doses.

Oh yeah one more thing you can absolutely look forward to after you have a craniotomy and have a titanium plate put in your head,  YOU WILL HEAR RANDOM CLICKING FOR THE REST OF NATURAL LIFE.

So I am trying to come to terms that my life will NEVER be the same now that I am deficient. Mike lovingly said I had slowed down.  Physically yes but my mind still goes fast.  If my mind gets too far ahead of my mouth the words get jammed up in my throat and I stutter/splutter them out.  This has produced a severe stutter like the one I had when I had the first seizures. ALso It is how I talked right after mom died.  Went to speech therapy for that as well so Theresa could tell that i had training evn though I cannot remember it.

whew!!! deep breath, steady...be friends with the naseau

Well Folks,
I forgot to take my meds last night until mike woke up and asked if I was alright, he said I had been tremoring for the last 10 minutes,  I don't know what that means but I told him as best I could to get my meds as I had forgotten to take them.  He ran downstairs and got them then helped me up it was a a considerable effort on both parties as I was weak and was holding meds.
I felt like I was on the verge of a grand Mal seizure. Because my pulse was fast and I was having significant trouble speaking.
Anyway I couldn't stop tremoring so I took a bath.....NOT A GOOD IDEA.  I regained my senses and got out of the tub and went into the guest bedroom All I could think was I was cold, so I cut the heat down.
I am getting nauseous more often. I think I talked to Ches & Beth yesterday.


"That's all I Got how'd you like that" (Kelli Rasberry; of the Kidd Kraddick Morning show)

ain't insomnia grand

Holy bleeeeeeep I am Sick of not being able to sleep for more than like 2-4 hours at one time.
Which doesn't have a segeway to the fact that I asked to let my dogs out in the park up the street.  He said KIDS are not allowed in here.  I am going to rake it and weed it It has some weird spiky weed I think it lodges itself pretty deep like onions.
For this I need gardening gloves and basically a  gardening start up kit.  

headaches

It is nights like last night that make me grateful I have Mike.
It was 330 and I woke up with what felt like a sinus headache.  Well it got worse and worse until the pain was at a 7 and it was coming in waves and showing no sign of stopping. Mike fed me a zofran bc the pain was making me nauseus and 1000 mg tylenol and one single percocet.  I felt like SHIT!!!! And AImee is here.  I considered going to the hospital but it would just be a bunch of waiting and getting poked and then them giving me morphine and sending me on my way.  So we looked at the book that stephanie gave us and decided to wait it out.  Mike had to put me in the sleep trap and let me be alone bc I was thrashing around the bed like a wet dog.
I mean it was all over the right side then it settled behing my eye and it came in crashing waves. Once one was done I would brace myself for another and surely as the sun will rise it came This went on for about and hour before I fell into an exhausted sleep.  I will tell a doctor maybe they can tell me what it was.

so excited!!!!

This wknd the agenda is:  dancing  and painting with Aimee Noth.  Mike said we could paint the creative room!!! SO we are going to home depot to get supplies, then we are going to have a painting party.  I haven't had one ever before; so this should be interesting.

Prayers for Amber Joy Schemerhorn  (AA left lobe came back she has a 10 yr old son)  5 yrs clean.   Her blog is connected for all to read.

That ol' cliche'

You know how people say "I need a vacation from my vacation...."
I am back in Dallas fresh of the boat from Ga. While I was there I saw a whole mess of family, too many to name.  But I ate well courtesy of my aunt Beths wonderful cooking.  My favorite part was the boat ride...even though it WORE me out.
It was a delight to meet Stephanie (My cousin with BT on the right FLobes') wife. I don't know if I explained that properly.

And of course saw Dad&Fran, Grandaddy, Aunt Mardi, Aunt Cheryl, Uncle Keith, Aunt Bobanne, Uncle Charlie and cousin Garner and his wife....
Saw a bunch of pictures.  Figured out I like to garden and paint.  Gardening is more when I am frustrated task though.  Whereas painting is peaceful. 

I came home One day early b/c I was out of my Keppra (seizure control meds).  I was worried about the cabin pressure in the plane triggering a seizure,  Thank GOD that did not happen.  I would not only be in pain, but I'd be trapped in this house for ANOTHER 6 Months.  Treatment I can take, being caged is not.  I want to be a functional part of this relationship.  April 21....just a few more weeks.

Aimee Noth is coming into town as my last vacation guest before I start my oral chemo.   Lets see I want to go dancing on Friday.   Then paint the rest of the wknd, relax, enjoy each others company. 

Alexander the Great (Beths' 88 lb 10 month old "puppy") was hurt on his back leg from running right in front of the golf cart (He won't do that again) then got his paw stuck in the locked screen door and scared all of us.  It must have been a sight to see 3 people sprinting for a dog that was crying.  It was my and Alexs' fault I locked the door and he was chasing a cat, so technically he learned an albeit painful lesson but one he won't forget.

Oh yeah I figured out here I developed a taste for meat, egg, cheese, breakfast sandwiches...Uncle Keith.

Came back and the house is a wreck, the maids are worthless and we pay them $140 to come 2x a month.  I want to let them go and pocket the cash but Mike disagrees.  I acquiese, when I am tired they are useful.  Though it doesn't help that I am  a psycho neatnick now after the operation.  If I were able to drive I would go to the store and get all sorts of cleaning supplies.

"That's all I got, How'd you like that?" (Kelli Rasberry; Kidd Kraddick morning radio show)

deep thoughts

life is a phase of existence and we (our energy) exist forever.  It is a law  Newtons 3rd law "Energy can neither be created nor destroyed."  Therefore we not our synapses that stop firing upon "death" Move on into another energy form. 
This is the part where it is important. Whether you camoe back immediately in like five seconds is not up to you it is up to your actions in this life. karma is a Rotten Bitch I once wished death upon another person and now I ve got brain cancer and I KNOW  i am mortal. 

SOuls are immortal and a particular soul can follow a person around They are guardian angels.  I will be Mikes guardian angel or he will be mine.   I firmly believe that my soul and my sisters soul have had a close relationship before and we are not soulmates but more like our souls enjoy each others company.  My soul has found Mikes' soul before we will travel together for as long as this ride goes on.

"That's all I got, How'd you like that!" (Kelli Rasberry (Kidd Kraddick morning show))

absent minded ramblings of a dain bramaged chicky doodle

http://www.cheapjoes.com/store/cart.asp?t=viewcart

ugh the wants, not needs,  but wants.  I have to wonder if this is just a phase or will I be artsy like this from now on.  Hell, They fried my brain Like an egg....we will see what happens.  I have a chemo lesson In a couple hours.  I am supposed to be there at 1145.  I can never draw that little cube. 

I think my fine motor skills have gone poof. I can name SOOOO many many things that I could not physically do. doctor lawyer pple may not even take me seriously as a social worker.  I don't want to volunteer, I want to contribute, not be Mikes "burden". Sell my art?  is the only thing I can think of to do but the art supplies are so expensive and it could just be a phase.  SOmething is only worth what someone else is willing to pay for it (quoting fran...i think)  And that could be good..for me.

I just mix colors around and am experimenting, I am letting my art evolve on its own.  Then I can look back in 20 years and say Look at that..........

artsy and vacay

Hello all,

Our dog Sashsa has begun nipping us  uhoh.  Hubby shaved and then asked for praise.  If you want to see my creative outlet go to my facebook page.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=155231&id=511373616&l=2fae0cd90c

Tomorrow I am flying to south carolina where it is supposed to be a "relaxing" time.  But here is the reality I have BRAIN cancer and am in the early stage of treatment the prognosis is good but people associate cancer=death.

Grandaddy is 92 yrs old and his wife died recently also My cousin died while I was in treatment and I havent seen their graves. care and grave seeing, such is life with a huge family.  my aunt is laid up after her hip replacement so there is another relative down.


remember brain cancer KILLS.  but I have an appt with Dr Fink today at 1145

realizations Or epiphany, if you will....

I* feel my brain going all creative on me.  I realize now. that I hate television.  Even  the shows I watch I am sick of them.  So I created a room today.  Pics are on fb.  

Teresa go look at them and tell me how wonderful I am doing.  Make sure oliver and david see them too.

Dogs are good company to keep, peaceful, playful, but above all peace. 


Which brings me to HOW I am Feeling:
happy
creative
peaceful
carefree

Word of the day:
     TRANQUIL AND SERENE

creative outlet? FOUND IT!!!

I made a pseudo studio for the arts.  I am not into crafts but I listen to music and paint I like top call it expressing free painting.  I am not ever going to make any money off them But I do enjoy them.  I refound my LOVE LOVE LOVE of dancing.  That is originally how I knew I needed to go see a doctor...I lost my stamina for dancing.  That and the getting nauseus at work and vomiting on the ground outside a clients house.  ewwwww


I hung my radiotherapy mask up as a testament for all I have come through.
I hang scarfs on it and dance with the scarfs.  Right side, uncoordinated?  NONONO!!!!! I am as coordinated as ever and I think I gained more moves.  thank you for the upgrades DR Lang.  Dr Fink I am depending on you bc I trust you.  Gaining muscle due to belly dancing alone in my house ALL DAY.   I had a kicking tummy before cancer now I want it back.
Amber we love you so much and we are all behind you to kick that spider out of your head!

creative outlet

So I am trying to figure myself out....after the lobe was removed (excuse me, tumor in the frontal left lobe to be exact).

I have nothing to do and cannot drive so I clean to Valaries standards.  I mean Miike came home and the kitchen is spotless.  And he said I could "paint the tape in the storage room".   Wild and wicked right.  So I am wondering if I will follow through on this or go flat.  I don't know. 

Does anyone know how acrylic paint works?

To a person that has all my respect.

Thank you, not only For forgiving me but the things you taught me. It has kept me struggling at the worst of times when I just wanted to give up hope.  Another person recently came into my life that deserves acknowledgment as well.  Jackie from Jamba Juice.  Coming back fro from radiation (where I collapsed with very low blood pressure I had not eaten anything in a week) Dr Nedzi said to me you are wasting away, now it is your JOB to eat.
Mike pushed to go to JJ and I got a peanut butter smoothie (1500 calories)
Gradually my sense of smell started coming back and my sense of taste.  Yup you lose all that with radiation to the brain..yikes.
I cannot thank Mike enough for getting me through this first hurdle.  It feels like every day is Russian roulette will I wake up feeling good or nasty.

That is why I wanted to thank you.  I go into the spa that I filled with candles every morning and soak in a warm tub and listen to Enya.  So thank you. I will always love you thank you for forgiving me. I will not ever see you again but you taught me many life lessons and I am glad I had you in my life at some point.

feeling normal

 feel great!!!!! Unfortunately  an noticing some major personality changes, for the good.  I am now a neat freak Now I don't know if that is just causeI am stuck in the house and bored, but I find pleasure in cleaning.  Keeping an immaculate house keeps the chaos from creeping in.

Scans look good I get the monthe of March off I have a temodor lesson on the 18, at 1 oclock. Then I am going to SC to see my Aunt and Uncle then Keith is gonna fly us out to see my 93 yr old grandaddy whose wife died while I was in treatment.  Also I am going to see my cousins grave who also died while I was in treatmeant.  22 what a waste....

Thats all for now.  Feel free to call to alleviate my boredom.

BTW this house is Frans' Valaries' Connie vaugnhs' and last but most certainly  Marriannes' dream clean.

Lambert the sheepish lion

one of my favorites
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRtKAQJUc3g

now I get it

I hve it so good with all of the support and march is break time/spring cleanin. I know that chaos in your house begets chaos in you life And i understand the tendancey for everything to reach for chaos.

But I am keeping the house clean myself and am learning.

listening to :
rain: Hey, Soul Sister

Heeey, Heeeeey, Heeeeeey.

Your lipstick stains, on the front lobe of my left side brains,
I knew I wouldn't forget ya, and so I went and let you blow my mind.

Your sweet moon-beam, the smell of you in every single dream I dream.
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided,
Who's one of my kind.

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight.

Heeey Heeeeey Heeeeeey...

Just in time, I´m so glad you have a one-track mind like me.
You gave my life direction,
A game show love connection, we can't deny...

I´m so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.
I believe in you, like a virgin you're Madonna,
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind...

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight,

Way you can cut a rug,
Watching you's the only drug I need.
So gangster, I'm so thug,
You're the only one I'm dreaming of you see.
I can be myself now finally,
In fact there's nothing I can't be,
I want the world to see you be, with me,

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight...

Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight.
Heeey, Heeeeey, Heeeeeey, tonight.
Heeey, Heeeeey, Heeeeeey.
Tonight.


Now if I did that right you should recognize it if you don't it train and it is catchy  the lyrics the way you can cut a rug lalala

happy happy hAPPY !!!!!

how in love am I?

Well lets see Mike is the one consistent that has made this tolerable.  Through All the treatments and alls the necessary and unnecessary ER visits, through it all; he NEVER ONCE left my side.  Thank you mike, my husband my love of my life, which thanks to you I will continue living and loving you.

lets take a trip down memory lane shall we

In the beginning When the docs told me it was ana astrocytoma I immediately referenced that to the Farscapr episode when Chrichton is having scorpius chip taken out of his head. I just want this to be chronicled for my book if I ever can force myself to do it. I mean who in their right mind would would Hire someone evan with VAST experience in counseling like personal shit that happened to me and then I live through brain cancer. And  a BA in psychology hahahaha  ironic much??? The Odds are in my favor. I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!
If there is anyone else out there that feels like this  i want your advice.  No sympathy people, the word is EMPATHY  if you've been thrtough it not if you watched someone gothrough it I watched and I knew but now I understand and have developed EMPATHY.

So who votes what I should do with my radiation mask. these are all my mike and I came up with these ideas

1. mount it on the wall
2.attach it to my face for halloween
3.

love to hear from you

as i go about the day...

i am constantly running an inner monologue and it a blog but i don't write it all down. jeez this is frustrating. the waiting, I mean not the actual cancery cancer monster.  Though that part freaks me out a little. I am doing my best to get back to "mormal crap

can't type.  
est to get back to "normal" but whats normal any way?  that took a while to get back in order.

I now have an excuse for being an airhead. HEHE
brain freeze hurts twice as much with half brain.

new life

So I have been thinking alot about what to do now. I have a vast experience in many many areas including lobe damage.  I know and understand how that feels. But I have gotten through it all with help from you guys. 
Thank you so much.

I have gotten strong enough to exercise my dogs now and I miss working, I mean I don't miss my brain being taxed but I do miss wanting to tax my brain.
I made a dog run in the storage above the garage and run the dogs around it with a laser pointer... they get the advantage of exercise but not challenging. Am I amused by the laser light? No, it gets boring after a while. But the dogs are a hoot to watch.

Just ramble, that feels nice. As Valencia Whaley in high school told me "Just float..."


Mikes home and he said "I was just called Mr. Jordan. I said  No nono cal me by my FULL name Michael Jordan"  It reminded me that my email is ae jordan23.

Now if you are in my head that is funny.

whats going to happen now

hello all,

To all my readers of this blog near and far. There are not meny of you who do this faithfully and for your dedication I am grateful.  It has kept me going even when I dropped to 99 lbs and was told by dr N that I was "Wasting away". 
There is this chick Jackie who is manager at Jamba Juise on Frankfort and Preston. Drop by and tell I'm feeling great cause her smoothies are wicked fatty. In a 16oz peanut butter mood 1000-1500 calories.

I am 107and a half.  Yes trhe half is important.

Truth  is, I feel like the past six weeks I have been an alien experiment. Poked and proded and frun through the gammit of whats fine whats not fine it hurts makes me weak sux your energy period. 

So on to what happens now.  Mri Monday 9 am which amy is taking me to.  Tuesday Mike is taking a half day to take me to se Dr. Fink.  Now dr fink is more than likely going to take the scan and tell me we have to wait for the radiation to settle before she can tell us what to expect. I guess I wil get another scan in early April and we will see where we are.  LIL nervous... but I get a wahole MONTH off!!!!  from treatment

Graduated from radiation!!!

graduated from radiation.  today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I know its cheesy but you cannot understand how this feels unless you've been through it. 
I can attach this feeling to hiding in a hloe and finally seeing the light.  Being poked and proded through the whole ordeal was noxious.  See I don't know if I spelled that right and I don't care.  All I know is today I got to sleep late and tomorrow  though not promised I will wake up late, like at 9am.  But the thing is I wonder how I am going to feel after 3 days instead of 2 days break.  What can I expect as I embark on this rollercoaster ride.

what makes me so strong why have I come so far and still feel empathy for others.  At least I am not jaded.  Still waiting for my energy to return though i hope they yanked out the adhd.  Now who am I?

"That's all I've got How did you like that?",(Kellie Rasberry "Kidd Kraddick Morning show")

Did not create it just copied and pasted

Sikhs believe that every creature has a Soul; on death, the Soul is passed from one body to another until Liberation. The journey of the Soul is governed by the deeds and actions that we perform during our lives. If we perform good deeds and actions and remember the Creator, we attain a better life. On the contrary, if we carry out evil actions and sinful deeds, we will be incarnated in “lower” life forms – snakes, lions, zebra, monkeys, hippopotamus etc. The person who has evolved to spiritual perfection attains salvation – union with God.^{[citation needed]}
The Karmas of a person will definitely have their effect, both good and bad. No worldly power can change the course of their movement. But according to the Sikh thought, the Almighty God, with his Grace, may pardon the wrongs of a person and thus release him/her from the pangs of suffering.^[24] Reincarnation, simply stated, is the law of cause and effect: reincarnation does not create any caste or differences among people: past and present life's actions simply have a bearing upon a specific individual. Reincarnation in no way makes one superior to another.

believe me YOU CAN make a difference

Okay like the fb thing about the colors of the bra here goes.  support this give it to your churches organizations doctors

http://www.thesouthernshift.com/tags/texas-coalition-compassionate-care

http://www.cannabisni.com/medicinal-cannabis-news/1295-the-texas-coalition-for-compassionate-care-want-marijuana-legalised-for-medicine

Source: http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/politics/Texas-Group-Wants-to-Legalize-Marijuana-as-Medicine-80676112.html

Legalize it please

Please spread the word.  Click the link to go to support for legalizing MEDICAL marijuana in texas.  It is critical for cancer patients who have no desire to eat and are in chronic gut wrenching pain.

http://www.texascompassion.com/Print-Materials/minister-org%20statement.pdf

first wk of february 2010

so this wk started off bad... really bad. I flipped out bc my cousin died he was 22.
 so my family is distraught.
I was tired mon-thurs but this morning I woke up and it feels like I am on a very thin sheet of happiness and it will eventually grow and become solid or crack, splinter, shatter and I will fall through into the icy water below.  Mike and I are playing the wait and see game.
I am scared and tentative, because I feel back to normal.  normal is abnormal to me now.  But Dr Fink is thinking of giving me the month of MARCH OFF!!!!!!  That would be nice mike and I will pack up the dogs and just go away for a while.

ouch

this sux.  My hair hurts.  not kidding the radiation is killing the folicles and it HURTS!!!!!! but I can't pull it out. I put tape on my head and ripped it off hoping that it would take the hair with it. it sort of worked.  I just need to shave it.

But I made my fathers chicken soup.  Yay!!!

Treatment Calendar

Here is the most updated calendar of Andrea's treatment schedule.

http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=l1fpamh2dn7mfb35900euv0ric%40group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Chicago







We are working on trying to find other means of transportation through CanCare.org. However, their resources are very limited. If you would like help out and drive Andrea to or from any of her rehabilitation sessions, please contact me and I'll fit you in.

Thank you.

Mike

trauma

James my cousin is dead.  He was 22.  He sent me a msg 11 days ago.  Thye found him dead this am.  he was my favorite cousin.   he deleted me from his fb and myspace friends.  I don't know why. 

The age old question of brain vs breast. Not in that way boys

Radiation was a bisnatch today. My hair all just up and left my head yesterday.  I mean it was like a mass exodus of hair.

Soapbox:
One day a YEAR 1 DAY A YEAR goes to brain tumor awareness.
Breast Cancer gets a whole month. this sux.
Brain cancer is what all cancer patients die of. It slowly metastisizes to the BRAIN. That is what kills all cancer patients, mine just started in the brain.  So I am ahead of the game.

I want you to think about something today and ask others "CANCER"
what comes to mind?
for me 1.death 2.breast 3.I have it in the brain and still I'm thinking clearly and I am mad.

Is anyone reading this?
ICDI.  "I CAN DO IT"

aejordan23@gmail.com

oops it fell out

As with many cancer ridden people I am now going through "the hair loss stage"  If someone has been through this before "my entire mohawk just fell out and then I "pulled" the rest out what is funny is it didn't give any resistance to being pulled out. BAM in my hand
Don't worry Ms.Spratlin, I gave it all to the birds for their nests. Sprat cat would be proud of me. RIP (cervical turned overian cancer)

We've come this far...

Well, I am PROUD OF MYSELF!!!! In my family  my mothers side is riddled with cancer and they are taking it 5 steps farther.  They are getting in touch with My grandmammas relatives.

I AM PART OF THE CURE!!!!!!

what have you done today?  I am not accusing, just asking what have you done today?  what do you stand for?

Now that that is done,  A very wise woman once told me "You can do it you can do it you can do it you can do it you can do it!"" I say that to myself every morning.

The radiation is a bisnatch it hurts it makes me tired and I have 20 days left.  The nauseation is bad too but I am rockin through it I got my blood drawn today to check the dilantin lvl.  since fink has me tapering off it I am on 100 mgs a day
I need to call her and ask what I am supposed to do with the keppra bumping it up to 1500 instead of 1000
a day.

what else? well I caused us to miss a party this weekend and every day feels like a month. i am watching Americas Next Top MOdel (I promised myself I would not get addicted)  DAMN IT !!!!!!

Bravo rox when it comes to reality shows.

ANyway I will keep telling myself "YCDI" and keep counting down the days and I will keep you informed.

Oh How I wish I could do retail therapy

I miss work.....Hi connie pruitt, chip larry katherine debra

20 hrs of sleep will rejuvinate you with tylenol extra strength

So I am feeling way way way better. If I had had tylenol xtra strentgth it woulnot have gotten so bad.  but Indy ate the pill bottle cap. 
Just watched himym and now watching greys anatomy,  vamp diaries. and all the other recorded shows in the past week. 
Good god I feel better!!!! Just 2 tylenol xtra strength just cleared it up.   we should have gone to cvs or wal mart but nooooo we had to dr nedzi tell us to restock.  BC I couldnot remember to get it or tell anyone that I needed it.  It works without making me drowsy.

radiation drs and sleeping

ok so the title is all i did yeaterday. I slept 9-5 am-am 20 hours. 
I woke up with intense pain and nausea (so nauseous I couldn't drink my ensure.)  Then went to rADIation head exploded with pain when i bent down just getting my head below my heart and it shot to a 7 on the pain scale.  I could be a 2 on the pain scale and if I bent down bam7 ouchy yawsa.   dr fink was good I don't remember anything except Paul asked a question and th dr wanted to put an IV in me I refused and told her I was Nauseous Not vomiting I was holding down water.  lets see how today goes....

give in

giving up sounds pretty damn good right now. I destroyed my relationship with my sister and she is a flake and a guilter, i have 2 problems her and cancer.  I don't want to call anyone and the one person I did call didn't pick up his phone...Hows that for a giant kick in the gnads, when you're down already.

I can't find wicked cd for the broadway musical I have been to entertainmart, movie trading co., target (did not pick up the phone), called walmart, half price books and best buy all of them are out of this particular cd.

It seems like the end of the world nothing is going right and on top of that the radiology peopl don't give 2 shits as to whether I live or die I bet they wouldn't even miss me if I stopped going.  I mean thay are just there to get a paycheck, pumping peopl full of radiation torture is simply a perk.

Oh yeah and I have to go to karen fink tomorrow.  Oh Joy!!! I pissed her off and she told me not to call about every little thing well fine I won't call...ever.

I am sad and helpless because I cannot drive and I have a big hateful bug in my head that is fighting with me for this body.

good god!

I hate having cancer. not only is my life in danger But my marriage is in danger too. And they cant get their ass straight on the scheduling and it is screwing me up. I don't know what this means but I don't feel well I just kind of ripped the secretary a new one.  And this is ruining my life. The only thing left to do is give up... and I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!!
whaaaaa whaaaa whaaa...ok I'm done. Time to move on. Time to get my heal on. I WILL RECOVER!!!

Those people at the radiation clinic really don't think I will recover, that is the aura they give off.
Fuck you!!!!Radiation people.  they are not malicious but they are irresponsible and they are treating the disease, not me.  That in my book, is the worst thing you can do.  Ignore the patient treat the disease.  ThAT IS CRAP!!!!

this is my vent site and if any of you have any suggestions, feel free to chime in. That is why I am posting this publicly.

Frustrations with radiation

omg my radiation "team" is so frustrating. They call this morning 7am to tell me the machine is broken and there is no one to fix it. Then they call at 745 saying the machine is fixed where are you? My husband, being the uber patient man that he is, Lost his patience.  That alone should tell you something.   I called them back, That should tell you something too if you know how I am. I told them, forcefully, "our schedule is set in stone my husband will lose his job If this schedule is changed." and he will, they have been ver lenient on us up to this point but as I said yesterday "the goodwill is about to run out"
I am currently waiting for a call back.

Our situation has very little wiggle room. So I am going to tell them ( as nice as I can muster) "If the machine is broken we will come in anyway and wait until we have got to leave. If I miss a treatment bc the machine is not working properly so be it"

Mike has to be @ work @ WORK @ 9am!!! not a minute later.  I am trying to take some of this on. Take the stress off of Mike. That is my job. To take care of him as he takes care of me.

Teresa is working with me on "exaggerating" so all of the above is gods honest true.

We are going to go tnt at 7 and hope there is someone there to work the equipment.  That is the best we can do at this pt. If I miss it so be it.

update

So what do you know?
I have several docs dr gerhardt, dr.gilbert, dr. fink. and dr nedzi. All doing various thigs and I am the only common link between them. All in all my head hurts and I am fatigued and the drs appts are DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!!!! 
I would like to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers and for those of you whu have physically helped thenk you especially.
For the pick ups and drop offs it takes a very special person to deal with my own personl brand of crazy.
I have an MRI scheduled this afternoon. I am just starting my second week of radiation.

We will continue to ask for help so mike doesn't put his job in jeopardy.   So if you want to volunteer be it taking me to the doc/picking me Pick ups and drop offs are all we need right now, up send Mike an email

Oh yeah my therapists.. Teresa for speech Oliver for Occupational and David for physical.
I will get worse before I get better. We just have to have faith.
AJG

cancer stats

There are many types of cancer out there and if you have it you know or need to know that caancer causes 13% of all human death per year.

Brain is acounted for one of THE most terminal cancer of all time. But if you look on the stats Breast cancer gets all the awareness what happens to brain cancer pts well, we DIE WITH NO RECOGNITION!!! Thats not fair.

In this chart
Cancer Type                   Estimated New Cases                    Deaths

Bladder                      70,980                                      14,330

Breast (Female - Male) 192,370 - 1,910                         40,170 - 440

Colon and Rectal (Combined)146,970                             49,920

Endometrial                 42,160                                       7,780

Kidney (Renal Cell) Cancer 49,096                                    11,033

Leukemia (All)                44,790                                21,870

Lung (Including Bronchus)219,440                                     159,390

Melanoma                         68,720                                  8,650

Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma    65,980                                   19,500

Pancreatic                       42,470                                    35,240

Prostate                         192,280                             27,360

Skin (Nonmelanoma) >1,000,000                                >1,000

Thyroid                         37,200                                  1,630


In this chart lung pancreatic and prostate seem like the most deadly cancer.
BUT THERE IS ONE GLARING EXCEPTION. BRAIN cancer is rare it accts for 2.7% est. of all cancer.

the kind that I have accts for .0x% Of those 2.7% Anaplastic astrocytoma on the left frontL LOBE.
This makes me mad that I have to bring attn to it. I know we can bring this diseas attn. 3 pple in my family have had this particular disease. 1 died the other 2: 1 is in remission and the other is me and I am fighting like hell to stay alive.

fears

I am afraid of the inevitable. People are going to stop praying for me. People are going to stop caring if they haven't already.
I just passed the golden "everyone rallies around me" phase
the letters have stopped coming
I just hope against hope that people don't forget about me and what I am going through. Its like when you die there is a mourning period but eventually everyone moves on.
Its not that I want to disrupt your life but I need people to pray for me bc I feel it. I don't need phony friends. People that say "i will pray for you" and never give it another thought.
I don't want Mike to leave me because I am sick. I know he would not do that anyway.

I just want to remind you with this blog no matter how shitty your life is, it could always be worse, mine could be worse. Yours could be worse.

To everyone out there thank whatever being you believe in that you have it so well. Be it love, family, strength, use of your limbs, use of your mind, remember it could always be much much worse.

Thank you God for letting me only have grade 3 cancer and not some thing worse. now you think of the worst thing that is happening to you right now and thank that higher being for it not being worse so much worse.

Like being trapped in my own body a prisoner forever, being mute, not being able to communicate.

control

with cancer so Little is in your control. I HATE that!!!!!!!!!
I just want control of my life back!!!
I want to understand and be able to comprehend stuff like I used to.
when I was in control my acct went negative. I need someone to take this control but I am reluctant to give it up.

We are managing it. He is making sure that we are in a good financial place.
No one is the bad guy here. Unless it is me. So even when I am "losing control" in my logical mind I know it is a good thing.

I have thought this through and revised it so it is not a legal matter.

Let me sum it up by listing the things that are withing my control.

so many things that this money matter seems minor.

But seriously now

medical marijuana: For IT? AGAINST IT?
I was against it, until I got cancer. Now I am sorry I live in texas. This overly right winged state sux. You can tell rick perry I said that.
Yes you would have people who would abuse it. But you get that with anything. Dept of aging and disability is there to help and yet you have people taking advantage of it.
Legalizing medical Marijuana would benefit many and some would take advantage. Let me pose it to you in this form; Are you willing to let many suffer to keep it out of the hands of the few who would take advantage?
It being Illegal says yes, yes we are willing to let many suffer, and we don't care. But lete me tell you, it is out there and I just don't know the people to go to to get it. But I would smoke it! If it would stop this pain. hell yes I would pay for it, hide it, and bring it out once in a while smoke some and then put it up.

It is better then morphine because you don't get a headache the next day.
I would not abuse it. But what do I know I am just one person.

eating at 610

So we went to Left 610 tnt. We met Tre Wilcox. he is the executive chef there. Yay!!! Made my night, then I got really tired.
He is a big supporter of cancer groups. We both have live strong bracelets.

Most updated calendar

Calendar's location is here

http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=l1fpamh2dn7mfb35900euv0ric%40group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Chicago

decision

I don't want to die. The tumor doesn't want to die.

But I have a weapon that she doesn't .... radiation.

So I am at home all day watching recorded shows, And Salon Takeover, Tabatha Is an inspiration because she takes shit from no one, period.

The only reason I keep pluging along is that friends tell me I am strong and I can do it. Then there is candy and movies and the dogs.
things I have to live for: My husband Mike, sasha and Indy, family and friends, candy, Twilight series, Harry potter series, (not kidding it actually keeps me going) whatever works right?
This sux because I cannot have alcohol ever again. I have to be a teetotaler for the rest of life. seizure meds and alcohol cause seizures. I don't want to have a seizure again it hurts, I mean really really hurts. I just want to to be out of physical pain I want it to be at a 0 but that would mean I am dead right? It is not that bad I am in constantly in a level 2-3 pain. That is normal for me. so when someone asks me how much pain I am in, I say none bc a lvl 2-3 is NORMAL.

I don't cry in front of people. Just in front of my family.

Midday tv is ridiculous dumbth, stupid, and absolutely well mind numbing. This thing I do right now is the same thing I saw clients doing. Dept of Aging and Disability services they don't understand they comprehend and do their best but there are so many people taking advantage of the system they cannot screen them because The people who really want in will get in regardless.

inspiration

deep question deep answer
Who is your inspiration and why?
If you could meet one person in the world who would it be?
what would you say?

letter from "shameful"

The "I just told off" was a bit of a stretch. Basically I wanted her to acknowledge how she hurt me.

I am dying. I have an anaplastic astrocytoma stage 3 brain cancer. I know you may not remember but I have long memories and it is hard for me to forget how you were to me in high school. I want to forgive you BUT you NEED to know that you made my life hell in high school.

Again I want to forgive you.
I had an awake craniotomy, That was a cakewalk compared to telling you what you did to me hurt me deeper than anyone ever could. I feel that probably alot of people were hurt by kaysie smith 18 years old.
I know its been 11 years I should get over it and this is the first step. If I can forgive you I can forgive anyone.
I could run and I didn't hide that is the exact opposite of what you wrote outside the girls dorm in chalk on the ground for ALL to see.

Andrea J garramone

not not not gonna die

I am not gonna die. I physically feel the cancer eating me alive. It feels...weird Like well I cannot describe it. doesn't hurt though.

Umm what else Indy is amusing sasha doesn't have a tail so once in a while Indy will get scared of hers. She wil nip at it like she is saying "you little shit stop following me!!!"

did hear about the guy who got arrested at the zoo for feeding pigions?
No, what's wrong with feeding pigeons?
He fed them to lions.

Hickory dickory dock the mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one
the rest escaped with minor injuries

Could you sell me a shark?
No why?
Well my cat keeps trying to eat my goldfish and I want to teach him a lesson

do you have any kittens going cheap?
nope all our kittens go "meow"

If baby pigs are called piglets why arent Baby bull called bullets and baby chicken called chicklets

2 hens were pecking at the ground when a softball came sailing over the fence one hen looked at other and said "will you look at the ones they are turning out next door"

and best for last:

why did the chicken cross the road?
to show the opossum it could be done.

A farmer couldn't tell his horses apart, so he shaved the mane of one.. it grew back so he cut the tail of the other ... it grew back. so he asked his friend and the friend said to measure them. the next time they saw each other the farmer said, you are a genius!! The white one is 2 inches taller than the black one...

badumbum ching
I brought jokes..they may not be good but I brought em.

shameful

I just told off a girl who made my life hell in high school. I need to forgive her for what she did to me. How she treated me. I need to forgive and forget. I need to I must I have to I need to go to my grave knowing that I have no burdens on my conscience.

I am just clearing my conscience before I die. WHEN I don't die my life will be much cleaner and more clear.

Sitting here on the couch with Mike watching Sasha and Indy play. dogs are good when you are lonely and depressed. Admitting lonely and depressed is a big big thing.

Dave Matthews Band and radiation

So I just sent an email to the .... well someone I think can get In touch with Dmb. I requested well.. More Like begged to meet them.
The woman must have thought
a) I was some deranged fan making a big fat lie up to meet them
B)I was a genuine fan but was stretching the truth
C)she Beleived me

I cried a little and lost my words totally. I think I said my usaual good bye "I'm gonna say bye now."
She thought I was an idiot. on crack.

i have been a 16 year fan of Dave matthews band and I will meet their late sax player leroy moore in heaven.... whenever I get there.

I'm terminal but it is exhausting going through the treatments to extend my life or make me be cancer free.

Radiation was fun last night. They ignored my swollen hand guess it has to blow up like a balloon with fingers for them to notice. Ignored My ankle again the previous statement of balloon but with toes.
I am watching and feeling these things happen to me I am telling doctors but they are ignoring me I don't think there is just "nothing they can do" I think they genuinely don't see anything wrong. I hope they notice before its too late.
I feel like I am in the middle of the road and see a mac truck coming at me and my feet won't move.

Guess that says it all. I will let you know how the meeting DMB thing plays out.

troubles

Umm where to start. Oliver Say I MAY have blood clot in my arm. I am disoriented and to top it all off I have watching tabithas salon takeover all day. I hate being stuck at home. I have bruising and swelling on my right foot. My left hand is swollen and blue they all say that is just weird.

Theresa gave me a glove to bring down the swelling and told me to show Oliver. Oliver saw it and suggested when I go to radiation I tell them what is going on and if it still bothering you go to the ER. circulation is key

spikes and radiation?

so I haven't been on here in a while. So here is the deal I went to my first radiation treatment yesterday. It didn't hurt matter of fact I didn't feel anything except a slight warming of my head and smell clorox.


Now on to the BIG news!!! If you have gone to my fb page you already know. I am making my cancer into a fashion statement, not exactly sure what I am saying with this. But I think I am looking like a person you woudl not want to run into in a dark alley. Especially when I put my spikes on. MIke was HORRIFIED HORRIFIED when he saw it But I explained that I would never have a chance like this again, and he is okay with it.

ON to the not so good news my foot has been cramping up in my sleep last night it woke me up. And something that is new is my left hand is swollen and hurts. I am barely using it right now.

Cherio Peeps!!!! Slogan of the day: Eagles may fly but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines...

Actually that is my motto today

who thinks I should keep the hair short?

Mike is yes
I am yes
Laura C Yes
veena yes
leslie yes
paul yes
matter of fact everyone I know has liked it so much they want me to keep it.
Just to be clear I am going to keep it short no matter what anyone says.
I just want to know who votes for it.

clif notes version

wher do i start
sept got married in hawaii on the 8
oct: found out i had a brain tumor
went to dr barnett and he did a biopsy
Originally he said there was no rush to treat and sent me on way to dr dr fink
well I sought a second opinion with dr x. at UAB.
AT that pt it was a month later I went to see dr lang
MD anderson savedmy life.
awake carniotomy
6 hr surgery
7 days in the hospital aft the surgery 11/24
vast improvements in speech and walking in that short amt of time and they sent me home
went home and his parent wer there for week and half applause to them for sticking it out so long
then christmas
new years
and now
for the stuff that happened in between this is the place to be.

shawny's adventures continue...

I have alot of competition in this house there are two live dogs (I have seen them rip apart things made of sturdier stuff then I). I am scared of sasha & Indy scared of them knocking mom over scared of them getting me. My ultimate fear is they knock mom over and steal me from her. My other worst fear is that they get out of their cages (mom and dad call them kennels) and get me I don't want to be torn up that would be painful, that and I would die. so I guess i am saying i am scared of death.

mom and the dogs took a nap for about 2 hours (I watched). She had a dream that mike got a job on sarah's farm. He is scared of horses. so that doesn't make sense. Does it? she misses work. Longs to go out and longs for the days when she wasn't sick. But this is the hand she has been dealt and she is gonna play it until the death. Not her death not its' death just until one of them gives up and she has told me it is not gonna be her I beleive her.

the adventures of shawny the snow dog

like the greek god i sprung from my maker fully grown..well not exactly sprung. More like needles and thread and fabrics and assembly line..... Eh that is enough of that. Then I was put on a store shelf and one day some lady named.... Matter of fact I don't know her name and I don't know if it was a lady. (they all look the same to me). I was put in a package and taken (home) then they didn't unwrap me. Then I was given to a man and taken somewhere else (lucky I don't need to breath cause at this point I had been inside of plastic for a LONG time. Anyway I was taken up and given to my current owner, Andrea & michael. Andrea is fiercly protective of me and takes me everywhere she goes.

To that point... we had an interesting night last night. AT 11 pm she woke up gasping for breath (I would have done something but look at me I am a talking stuffed dog). Anyway it passed and she called a doctor and told him about her rash on her arms and legs and face, and of course she told him about the chest issues. Asked him if she needed to go to the ER. The doctor said watch her for 15 minutes and if it gets worse go. well he watched her and it got worse and all of a sudden I was snatched up and taken for a ride. (i am not saying I am special because a brown fuzzy blanket got to come too). Anyway she did not let me go until she got settled in the bed. the doc took 4 hours during which she woke up gasping 3 times. Surprise!!! you have bronchitis andrea!!!! What are you gonna do now? Go to disney world.

This is what I haven't mentioned mommy has cancer in her head. Her immune system is compromised. After this It will be something else because she starts radiation therapy on monday.

Oh well I will always be there to bring her comfort.

Shawny the snow dog
signing off

Andrea's Therapy Schedule

I created a calendar where I'll publish Andrea's treatment appointments. We have all but the Wednesday dates filled (the 13th and the 20th) to drop off Andrea at UT Southwestern. If you can volunteer on those dates, please send us an email.

Thank you to those who volunteered.

http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=l1fpamh2dn7mfb35900euv0ric%40group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Chicago

how you can help

Hi everyone,

I know I’ve been requesting a lot of help lately. I want to thank those who have been able to help out in the past.

Andrea begins radiation therapy on Monday, January the 11th. Through some snafu in the scheduling, the therapy will be performed from 6 pm to 7 pm (6:15 pm to 7:15 pm on Monday, January 11th) on the weekdays for the initial first two weeks. Then on the 22nd, the therapy is scheduled to be performed from 7 am to 8 am as originally expected.

The unfortunate thing about the snafu is that I have to work until 6 pm during the weekdays. So I basically need someone who can, at least, pick Andrea up from our home and drop her off at UT-Southwestern Moncrief Radiation Oncology Center. I can pick her up after her therapy.

The schedule of days is listed below. If you can help by dropping her off on one or more of these days, please reply.

• Monday, January 11 at 6:15 pm.
• Tuesday, January 12 at 6:00 pm.
• Wednesday, January 13 at 6:00 pm.
• Thursday, January 14 at 6:00 pm.
• Friday, January 15 at 6:00 pm.
• Monday, January 18 at 6:00 pm.
• Tuesday, January 19 at 6:00 pm.
• Wednesday, January 20 at 6:00 pm.
• Thursday, January 21 at 6:00 pm.


There is a map as well and i am not going to give that out over the internet but I want this to go as far as possible

dry run

So we went to Dr. nedzi"s office today for a dry run. All they did was put me in themachine and take xrays. Then we hit a hitch They did not have a 700 am appt the time they said we could have. So i called My aunt (because I don't want recycle people) instead of calling his or my parents.

my sister was here yesterday and she drove me around it was good to get out of the house. She took me to therapy and when she came to pick me up she left sasha and indy out, in that short amt of time they ate chocolate cherries and chewed my glasses and got on the couch ate a piece of paper the only thing I could find was a wee scrap of red. It was a good time, for them.

I hauled them up and threw them into their kennels. But the kicker was this: before I was even in the house amy had driven out of the driveway. She didn't walk them but she made us dinner That makes up for it.

um thats it gdnt and gdluck.

fatigue

Hi, this is Darrell's wife, Pat. The condition you are describing is formally called "Fatigue". It is a very common side effect of chemo and of radiation (and of parents visiting). Fatigue can be absolutely debilitating and there are currently very few treatments for it. Your oncologist or neurologist, or other doctor-person needs to know that you are experiencing severe fatigue. Emotional stress exacerbates fatigue, and may turn it into depression.
Be gentle with yourself, be patient. You need to spend your time resting.

Hi, this is Darrell. Pat and I have dealt with this sort of thing before. Well, not exactly what you're going through, but we saw Pat's sister go through a lot of what you're going through when she had cancer. Pain, chemo, radiation giving her a wicked internal sunburn to the hoo-hoo (luckily you'll get to skip that part), people talking about her as if she wasn't there in the room, more pain... People can be so stupid when it comes to being with loved ones who are sick. They mean well, but they freak out easy and lose what little intelligent part of their brain they may have had at one time.
Pat's right, you need to be patient with yourself. Be yourself. Be a fighter. Give your doctors a hard time. If they think everything is perfect, they won't do anything that helps.

As far as we're concerned, you're doing just fine, typos and misunderstandings included. Rest up and continue to get better-ish.

The McC's.

proud mary

okay alot of people are FREAKING out over what I said earlier in the thanx blog. Let me clarify I will die in the apocolyps 12/21/2012 sooner than i am going to let this fucker take me out. As for being tired? I am tired all the time. the problem is the doc scooped out the portion of my brain that controls word choice so I generally mean something else when I speak that goes for typing too. So to the point EVRYONE CALM DOWN!!! I am not leaving tonight or by choice he is going to have to take me kicking and screaming. Ms Cyrus good point.