happy and afraid

If you have this disease you can relate.  Even though I had a clean (dormant tumor cells) MRI I can't help but have a twinge o anxiety when I get a headache.  Not only that, but I have a bone crushing wave of terror wash through me when I get a Sudden BAD headache.  Am I foolish to want another MRI now?  I mean in the beginning it grew 50% in a month  1 month and I had to have major surgery quickly so I would not die. 
I cannot wrap my head around this.  They changed my meds and Pam says I have PTSD from the experience.  She says it is normal but that doesn't stop me from being scared out of my mind. 

I am home with the dogs all day long.  Yesterday I slept for 20 hrs.  That scares me because the One thing everyone who has dealt with this disease has said is when it grows and hits something vital in your brain you will start sleeping ALOT.  I am so tired all the time. The doctors are hopeful that snarla will stay dormant forever, but that is simply a good front to make me feel better about actively dying.

To those of you that are used to me being cheery and funny in this blog I am deeply sorry.  This is how I feel and I have to get it out otherwise I will stew on it and eventually crack.

I have been thinking about people in my past from Ky and Ga and I am sorry to say that I am deeply ashamed of how I acted.  I never had any self control and I pissed people off all the time because I was angry about mom.  Dad said when I was little I would find out what someone HATED and do it over and over again until they gave up on me.  Now I really need support and I don't easily accept it because I was raised to never take anything from anyone.  Connie V tried to break me of this...unsuccessfully.  I don't mean to shun you for being nice to me.  It is just that I am so used to criticism. When I was diagnosed with this everyone changed their tune.  A 180  and it confused me.

I am working on not telling everyone everything.  I am just now realizing it is massively inappropriate. 

Bottom line I am terrified that snarla will wake up and quickly take me out quickly.  I wish she was on the right side of my brain. But she is nasty and mean as a snake.