The heartbreak of Betrayal

Hello,
     I know I haven't posted in a while.  I have nothing to say.  But a friend recently walked into my life. Reminding me of this.
As in cancer relationships have to be mourned as well.  Many many many times over again.  We all deal with grief in different ways but it always ends up the same.  YOU WILL BE FINE.  This I promise you.  Time heals all wounds.  The threat of a horrible possibly fatal disease, loss of a spouse, family member or the like.
     No matter how you feel about it you must go through the grief stages.  in not neccisarily this order. Anger, Deppression, Bargaining, Denial and finally ACCEPTANCE.  the last one you will feel and think you are done just as soon as something comes along and hits you like a tsunami.  You get knocked right back to the beginning again.  I believe this is normal.  I have had ALOT of loss in my life.  Too much for my 30 years.  But the great creator or whoever holds the strings on us will never give you more than you can handle and never ever lets you be totally alone to deal with the trauma.
    Without my sisters, husband, parents and extended family I would not have lived this long.  The emotional support they provide is invaluable.  When true friends and family are suffering they will never let you go,  just DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!  Again I am going to quote CV  "YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!  EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN"

  Just look around you and accept the help.  everyone needs a little (or alot) of help sometimes.  Be it physical like helping someone get dressed or emotional like helping someone get through a deep betrayal.

what helps

During my journey I have several helpful things.  The first one, my friend Paul (6 times cancer survivor) he told me I had to make "friends" with my tumor.  I did and I named her Snarla, now I call her my homicidal child. 
Second: get a full body massage.  Cancer is STRESSFUL so get those knots worked out.  I just got back from a massage and I realize not that I should have done it WAY earlier.  I had like 80 knots (no exaggeration). George said I needed it badly.

 Keep your mind and body busy.  I do danceaton and poker.  DON'T withdraw from society.  I know that is the easiest thing to do.  Cancer makes you depressed as hell and if you let it get you you're gonna shave time off your life.  Find something you love to do and do that.  When you get bored try out new things.  You never know what you like if you don't try.

 Cancer is an eye opening and heartbreaking experience.  As I've said before none cancery people just don't understand that we have to come to terms with our death.  They will tell you that we are all gonna die, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow, I could have a heart attack later today blah blah blah.  They are saying it with the BEST intentions but they DO NOT understand what it is to accept you fate.  Even cancer patients are not all at the acceptance stage.  Hell I am in now way accepting because once you accept it that means you've given up the fight.  I have come terms with what will happen everyone says it won't, but I go by what the doctor says.  That Snarla will come back it is just a matter of time.

I reconnected with an old friend a few weeks ago. I love him and he is my Rome Rock.  He told me he went to Dads house to tell him that I have his support.  Dad never told me.  But I guess he thought I didn't need to know.  Ummm tip, when someone gives support for your loved one with cancer NEVER hold it back.  I didn't even know that he knew about my illness.  I was trying desperately to get back in touch with him.  But I guess I cannot hold it against my father. 

 Also let go of grudges they are petty and not worth taking to your grave.  You will be much less stressed if you learn to forgive.  Benton Nelson taught me that and he gave me a card that I carry with me all the time to remember to forgive people.  Most of them will misunderstand you telling your story for begging for sympathy.  However it is super cathartic to tell people about it and they in turn will tell you if they know someone in your situation or close to it.  I have met people with relatives that have brain, breast, and colon.  YOU can be a resource for these scared families.  Because make NO mistake Cancer is FUCKING SCARY.  It is like the monster under the bed that your parents could never find.  It is always lurking in the shadows.  So if someone is hateful to you about your story (probably won't happen) just think of the fear.  Cancer doesn't discriminate in age, race, gender, religious views. 

I am not trying to be the big bad wolf here but.... Don't Take Life For Granted!!!!!

Milestones

I made it to the big 30.  For most people this is no big deal but for me it is.  2 years ago I wasn't so sure I was gonna make it here.  Only by the grace of God, the surgeons, my team of doctors, and several friends who came out the woodwork, did I make it here.

     I cannot express my gratitude enough.  Dr. Lang did a beautiful job.  I got an xray of my skull yesterday, it is so cool looking.  I have these little round fasteners thingys on the place where they cut my skull for the operation.  4 of them, they look like little flowers.  Round with pins.  I could see clearly where he cut my skull and when I rub my head I can only feel the crack in one place.  When I cracked myself in the head with my car door 3 months ago it formed a lump.  I asked my doctor to feel the lump and she sent me for an xray.  From what I could see as she explained it to me, the door hit squarely on the crack in my skull which in turn healed but left a calcification on top of my head.  Great, I thought just what I need... another bump on my head.  HAHA

    My father sent me a card that said "What a millstone (Pun intended)"  I am sad to say I didn't get the joke.  I had to ask Fran.  Now I know that millstone means a significant mark in time, a round number.  I understand what it mean but cannot explain to anyone else accurately.  That is what radiation does.

   Anyway, I am going to lunch now (a salad) because Texas de Brazil tnt.
 
    
     

cancer and dreams

   So with the cancer and radiation damage comes memory loss and forgetfulness. I am not talking about forgetting birthdays here.  I am talking about how to do basic thing like tying shoes and turning on lights and such.  I even lost what comes after T in the ABC's.  It really makes me feel like dumb ass.  I repeat things over and over again and no one has the heart to tell me, "you said that already."  It is good they don't because that would embarrass me to the core.  I am eternally grateful.  I have twitches now, more persistent than they were before the surgery.  Blah blah blah I want some cheese with my whine.  I am still here and other people are not, so that makes me one of the lucky ones right?  I am still fumbling around trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  If I can't even help myself right now there is no way that I can help anyone else.   

Last night I had a dream about a person from my past.  She changed my life for the better.  She told me if a child has a horrible childhood it only takes one person to reach out and save them.  She was the one person who told me I had some awesome strength, I took that to mean I can freely get out of any situation and get through anything.  The thing that she said to me the most was You CAN do it.  One time she wrote me an email and the bulk of it was you can do it over and over again,  then if you ever think you can't just remember YOU CAN DO IT!!!
  I loved her like a mother but I had to her behind because my path of life took me a different place.  She was the one that told me Life can take you unexpected places.  After I left she said I was dead to her.  That shattered me.  I was hurt for a LONG time and I just started to heal, then I had a Dream about her in the dream I told her I was sorry for leaving her, not the situation but HER.  I asked her if she would ever move to Texas, she said that she couldn't because of all the storms.  I said they never hit us in Dallas.  I don't know why but she touched my soul. 
     She was there when I had no one in the world.  I still love her and always will.

Searching for people and strength

I have been searching for people from my high school on Facebook.  Graham Cooke who is Canadian and would be about 29 or 30 today, K.C. Fellows (Kelly Christian) again my age.   Kyle W who was a gaming buddy.

      But I guess God lets people drift through our lives when we need them and out when we have learned everything we can from them.  He leaves it to our free will, but helps us heal when we leave a bad or poisonous relationship.  Most of the people you meet that have a profound impact on your life, you will never see again.  I know for a fact that I will never see Hope again, she saved my life once, at 11 I came very close to drowning in a river that we were tubing in A guy saved me by swimming under the water in the rushing current and yanking me up because I was about to get caught under a log. Which would have meant a certain death.  I can't even remember his name, and I owe him my life.    I have been saved from death so many times and then I saved myself.  But I don't consider myself very lucky or unlucky or even exceptional.  I think it is normal for this fragile life to almost be taken away from us and for people to haul us back from the brink. 

    I like to believe that death will stop trying to take me for a little while.  Because I am proving to be a tough cookie.

Cracked elbows and cancer info

     I have worked with horses since I was 19.  I dealt with everything from Crazy ass racehorses, to sweet old retired brood mares.  I have been kicked in the head, thrown into a wall, kicked in the hip, been drug through the gravel by a foal (thanks Rab, now Kanu), all that and NEVER broken or cracked anything....
     That is until Friday June 11, 2011.  I was riding a 25 yr old gelding who was feeling particularly lazy thus was dragging his hooves (long in the feet), I was staying on just fine when he tripped 4 times prior.  Then he stumbled and I fell off, right onto my elbow, cracking my radial head. In my mind I called him a stupid heffer.  What came out of my mouth was a shocked and very shaken up, "He stumbled".  Alas as any good rider knows you have to get right back up there or else you will lose your nerve and be scared the rest of your life.  Now I have cancer and if Snarla did not scare me, I am damn sure not going to let a little fall scare me.  Everyone tells me what I already know: People DIE from falling off horses.  DUH I know that.  Hell I worked with theses big ole giants.  I also know the safest place for you is on the back of a horse.  Be calm and don't make loud sudden noises and you won't get stomped or kicked.   Now if your horses is attacked by bees Just hold on tight (Speaking from experience)  I was riding on a horse packing trip when my horse got stung by several bees at once, she reared then bucked and stopped.  By the grace of God I stayed on her back.

   Someone who shall remain nameless said, "Horses are dangerous. Just look at what happened to Michale Reeves."  Ok I did not have the heart to point out the astonishing number of differences there.
    1. He was jumping.
                 I am not alowed nor would I ever (without proper training) ever attempt a jump on a horse that I did not know or had not ridden before

     2. Michael Reeves probably did something drastically wrong with his body which caused the horse to shy and him to fly off over the horses head and land on his neck
                   I know how to fall when its off of a horse.  Tuck your shoulder and roll.  However because he STUMBLED i.e. almost went to his knees mid canter I had no space to tuck,  I did roll though.  I didn't go over his head I went off the side.

    Yes accidents happen but I don't need or want anyone telling me what I obviously already know.  My father for instance just said, "you do realize that people fall of horses and die."  I know they are worried about me and I appreciate that so much.  But what I don't appreciate is when someone makes a left field comment about something that is TOTALLY unrelated to me situation.  Like a JUMPING accident when I DON'T jump horses.  If you ride correctly there is nothing to worry about.  Just keep your weight IN the stirrups, don't get left behind, don't ride a horse that is too advanced for you make sure your tack is on correctly..... and so and so forth.

     Anywho, I will come down off my soapbox now.
   Who wants to know about my MRI??!!!!  Me, me, I do, I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was good.  Though the radiation damage is causing short term memory loss.  Example:  Yesterday I went to the stables to pay for next session and they got 2 new horses.  After being told 3 times what their names were, I finally remembered them like this, "there's a CHANCE you're gonna be JAZZY"  I was told I wasn't the first to fall off Jax.  I hope I will be one of the last though, he earned his retirement.





now on to the cancer stuff. we as cancer patient are stronger than people that have never had cancer.  Our caregivers are some of the strongest people in the world.  That doesn't make us better it just makes us different.   For those of you that are new to cancer or caring for someone with cancer, my heart goes out to you.  I am going to say to you the words that got me through my ordeal. 
Just remember, You CAN do it you can do it you can it.  and then when think you cannot go on YOU CAN DO IT.  Never ever give up.

A friend asked me to post this

Cancer Support Programs

It is no secret that when a person has cancer, is in remission, or has survived cancer that they are looking for support any way they can get it. Many patients with terminal cancers such as mesothelioma credit their family and friend's support for helping them get through the hard times. Treatment is hard and a supportive person can make things a little bit easier. There are many resources for cancer survivors and patients; one includes support networks and programs. According to Cancer.org, support groups "provide comfort, teach coping skills, help reduce anxiety, and provide a place for people to share common concerns and emotional support."

It may not be easy for a person to share their feelings and emotions with someone who has not experienced what they have. Support groups meet to discuss everyone's concerns and emotions. It can make some people stronger because the people they are sitting and talking with know what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. Stress and anxiety can be reduced and the quality of life in a person can improve through a cancer support groups. There are thousands of support groups found around the United States, and the physician treating the patient is sure to give them those resources.

The difference between a group therapy and a support group is who is leading the group. Cancer survivors, group members or professionals may lead a support group, but licensed counselors lead group therapies. There are many different types of support groups. However, no matter which support group you decide to choose, it is important to find one as soon as a mesothelioma prognosis is given. A cancer diagnosis is hard news to take, and it would be beneficial to that person to get a head's up on the road in front of them from people who have been there. Cancer survivors or people in remission have the most knowledge to give.

Studies and evidence have proven that support groups help people feel less lonely or helpless. They can move forward with their diagnosis and treatment when they have the support of people just like them.   Nobody is perfect therefore support from people going through or who have gone through the same thing can reduce tension, anger and confusion. Medication schedules are more likely to be followed when a cancer patient has support from their group. Many programs and networks help patients to fight the cancer and become survivors. If anything, quality of life is guaranteed to get better after the prognosis of cancer and treatment plan.

Support groups are crucial to the health of cancer patients and survivors. While medication and chemotherapy work on the physical aspect of the body, cancer support groups work on creating a positive mental attitude. Cancer support groups can help people to accept, cope and deal with their feelings around people who understand.  Nobody is prepared for tragedy to strike when receiving an unfavorable prognosis, but it can be easier to cope when there is support provided.

By: David Haas

 Remember You are not a bald freak.  You wear your bald head or scars as marks of a warrior that has stared death in the face and spat in its eye.

Life goes on (even if you don't want it to)

     I know what you are thinking... The title of the blog, is she depressed?  No. It is just a fact of life that we have to go on living even when our world seems torn apart.  I have taken up working out.  I tried pilates, hated it, tried spin, hated it.  So I tried zumba and I LOVED it.  I was soaking with sweat and stunk when it was over, but hey that's what showers are for.  I went to cardio dance party, I liked that even more than Zumba.  The problem is they don't offer them every day so some days I walk the dogs down Preston Ridge Trail. 
     I never believed people when they said getting a workout would make you feel better.  But they were right.  However today I was a lazy bum.  I sat on my laurels all day, slept from 10-12.  made lunch of a salad, slept from 2-4.  Walked dogs then made dinner. 

     Mike's parents are coming in town this Thursday.  I have a riding lesson Friday at 330.  Therefore if they want to come to that they are welcome. Tuesday Evening at 615 I take Indy to her agility class.  But I have NO idea what they are going to want to do.  I am making moist pork loin with rice and broccolli, Cornish game hens, Turkey shepherds pie, and something else that I haven't decided yet. 

     I have an MRI on the 21st and an appointment for the results on the 23.  No worries little miss Snarla is still asleep.  If she is not I will just BEAT HER ASS BACK INTO SUBMISSION.  I do not want to do any more surgery, also no more radiation but if they insist on radiation I will comply.  Chemo is no big deal for me.  I feel massive empathy for the people that chemo hits much harder.  Mine isn't the I.V.  it is just 3 pills  I take in the morning. 

     So every day I look up and see Grandaddys' flag and am reminded of just how lucky we are.  I was chopping green onions and was struck by a memory of him. He had a toothache and I was trying my best to get him to take some meds for it,  He did not want to and called me a "Bossy lady".  I got my feelings hurt so I went out to the yard and started pulling green onions out.  When Dad came to pick me up I reeked of onions and after washing my hands 3 times I still couldn't get the smell off.  He was right I am a "Bossy Lady" and proud of it.  I used to get run over all the time not anymore.

     We got a new Blu-Ray player!!!!! The old one was just messed up, it cut in and out and the last straw was when we were watching Megamind and it got stuck.  We were going to get a new one that weekend but before we could Grandaddy passed.  So two weeks later we went to Best buy and picked up a new one.  Now you would think that the new one would work...No.  After 3 trips back to Best Buy we finally got one that worked.  Michael was going to return it too but he figured out how to work it the next morning.  Now you may be thinking "Isn't Michael an ENGINEER?"  Yes he is but he is an Senior RF Engineer that deals with cell signals, not blu-ray players.  Excuses, excuses right?

     People are complaining it is sooo Hot.  To that I say Just wait until August.  I will be a hermit by then.  Only going out in the morning and to the gym.  Humans are just not equipped for a sudden transition from 70s to 90s. 

     I seem to have forgotten all the punctuation lessons from grade school.  I am afraid I am never going to get a job and my paintings aren't selling.  So I have to either stop painting or give them away.  Nobody has any money for frivolous purchases such as paintings.  Albeit some of the proceeds got to Brain tumor research but I will be taking a loss when shipping them.  Any ideas?  One solution is to take them to the Grey Matters meetings and let the other brain tumor survivors pick and choose what they want for free.  I also am afraid that I will take them an no one will want them.  I have been hanging them up in the guest bedroom.  I put nail holes in the walls everywhere and now I am trying to cover up the damage by putting nails in the holes and hanging the paintings.  NO NEW nail holes.  But a big thank you to Bob V for teaching me how to hammer correctly.  I haven't smashed my thumb...yet. 
    
     Until next time.....

stories about Sam

GUEST COLUMN: Rome medical community loses giant of a man

by Jack Runninger

14 hrs ago | 80 views | 0  | 1  |  | 

HIS PATIENTS knew the late Dr. Sam Garner as a gentle, patient, loving, and caring physician. I never knew a single one of his patients who didn’t love him.

“I cried my eyes out when he retired,” my friend Charlotte Jones told me. “He was always there for you, and insisted you call him even at night and on weekends if you needed him. My husband Larry heard him jokingly answer a stranger who had asked him if he was a doctor, ‘Yes, and a damned good one, too!’

And he really was!!”

Many of these patients didn’t realize that he could also be a real character.

Much of everyone’s life is, of course, shaped by the heredity and environment of their family. Undoubtedly Sam inherited many of his father’s traits. Also a physician in Rome, his father was also noted as a great and good man, but one you didn’t cross.

His office was above Enloe’s drug store on the corner of Broad Street and Second Avenue. During a renovation the entrance door got hung backwards, resulting in the door being locked from the outside.

“Mr. Bradford, this damn door is locked, and I can’t get out,” he phoned to the pharmacist downstairs. “Send Willie up with the key.” Things got real busy about then, and Mr. Bradford forgot to send Willie.

“No need to send Willie,” Dr. Garner phoned an hour later. “I took a 2 X 4 and knocked the damn door down!” And he had!

SAM EVIDENTLY also inherited some of his deviltry and toughness from his father. His nephew, local CPA Ben Whittington, says Sam was the “enforcer” at Neely school when he was a child. “If any kid needed a whoopin’, Sam was the one delegated to do it.”

This and his sense of fairness and justice later got him in trouble when he was attending Wake Forest U. A large, tough, and strong football player often bullied other students. He made the mistake of jamming Sam’s face down into a drinking fountain from which Sam was drinking, breaking a couple of teeth.

Sam went seeking him to retaliate. When he found him, he broke a stick across his jaw. For this he was kicked out of Wake Forest, and then transferred to the University of Georgia.

Other stories related to me by Whittington about Dr. Garner include:

When Sam was a young boy, the family had a cow who always followed Sam like a pet dog. He would get the cow to follow him into the house and follow him upstairs. From an upstairs window, Sam would leap out the window onto the roof of an outbuilding, and from there to the garden below to soften the landing. Trustingly, the cow would follow.

His father came home one evening, and was dumbfounded to see his cow hurtling through space and into his garden. His only comment was, “No damn wonder my canna lilies don’t grow!”

YOU HAD TO BE CAREFUL playing tricks on Sam, because he was good at getting even. As a joke a female friend turned two rabbits loose in his office one weekend. Later the lady brought her 16- year-old daughter to Sam for examination.

After the exam, he returned to the reception area and announced to her mother that the girl was pregnant. The momma about had a heart attack, until Sam said, “April fool.”

And I found he was quick on the comeback as well. He and dentist Dr. Bob Woodruff were good friends and always played golf together. They were fierce competitors, and hated to lose, despite the fact they were both lousy golfers and their betting stakes were a Coke.

One day I was in the group waiting as he and Bob teed off on the first hole.

Sam hooked his drive so badly, it ended up on the parallel 10th hole on the back nine, which was closed for repairs.

“Hey, Sam,” I gleefully shouted. “The back nine is closed.”

“I know it and I wish your mouth was, too,” he one-upped me.

SAM IDOLIZED his older brother Geston. Like Sam he also never lost a fight, and was very intelligent and clever, and thus Sam was very disappointed over the fact that when Geston was about 13 years old, he would always lose in wrestling matches with a gal named Marjorie. The girl was well developed, but not all that strong. Yet she always won.

“Why do you let that girl beat you like that?” a disappointed Sam asked his brother.

“Because,” replied Geston with a sly grin, “if I beat her she won’t agree to wrestle me any more.”

Sam first “prescribed” medication when he was about 10 years old. He found some Ex-Lax among his father’s drug samples, and after removing the wrappers gave it all to a friend as chocolate candy. The boy got five demerits for hiding in the school basement all day.

“I see lots of doctors every day,” a security guard at Floyd Hospital once told me. “Some of them act mighty biggety, like they think they’re better than anyone else.”

The exact opposite of Sam!!

MORE THAN anything else I will remember Sam as a great and highly successful person and physician with a marvelous sense of humor, who was a really nice guy, and never conceited or “biggety.”

Jack Runninger of Rome is a retired optometrist and state and national award-winning humor columnist and co-author of “Fixing Stupid—Two Curmudgeons’ Pet Peeves.” Readers may contact him at runningerj@comcast.net

Read more: RN-T.com - GUEST COLUMN: Rome medical community loses giant of a man

another blog to Dr. Samuel Garner Jr

James Samuel Garner, Jr.

Date of Birth:

Thursday, February 14th, 1918

Date of Death:

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

Funeral Home:

Miller & Richards Funeral Home and Cremation Service Heritage Chapel

1148 North Broad Street

2542 Shorter Ave.

Rome, Georgia, UNITED STATES

30161

Obituary:

Dr. James Samuel Sam Garner Jr.
Dr. James Samuel Sam Garner Jr died on May 18, 2011 at the age of 93. He was born in Floyd County, GA February 14, 1918 and was the son of Dr. James Samuel Garner, Sr and Bonnie Wimpee Garner. Dr. Garner survived his first wife Alice Tate Garner and second wife Betty Hyden Garner.
He is survived by his children Marcia Tate Garner Andrews and her husband Charles Reneau Andrews III of Cumming, GA; John Geston Garner and his wife Bob Ann Allen Garner of Rome; Beth Garner Tibboel and her husband Keith of Charleston, SC. He was predeceased by his daughter Lynne Garner Jordan and his son James Samuel Garner III, and by two grandchildren Allison Ann Garner and James Allen Garner.
He is also survived by family members Ben and Mary Margaret Whittington, Dr. and Mrs. Pope Jordan, and Mrs. Cheryl Garner of Rome, Debbie and John Turner and Bill Hyden of Trion.Dr. Garners grandchildren are Alicia Haff, Laura Baker, Amy Scott, Andrea Garramone, Garner Andrews, Lynne Brons, Betsey Andrews, Margaret Chind, Ches Garner, and Sam Garner. His great grandchildren are Polly and Peter Haff,; Hudson, Truitt and Georgia Baker; Lindsey, Peyton, and Tate Andrews; Edmund, Tess Charlize, Jack, Miriam and Gil Brons and Charlotte Chind.
Dr. Garner attended Wake Forest University and the University of Georgia where he was a Phi Beta Kappa graduate He graduated in December 1943 from Emory University School of Medicine and honorably served in the United States Navy with the Marines in the 2nd Expeditionary Force in the Pacific during World War II. He served again in the Korean War. Dr. Garner was a well loved physician practicing in Rome, GA for over 40 years. He was the author of a popular geneaology work titled Southern Garners, Our Branch of the Garner-Keene Family and of an anecdotal autobiography titled Something Hit The Cotton. He will be sorely missed by those whose lives he enriched.
Visitation will be at the Miller-Richards Heritage Chapel Friday evening from 6 until 8 PM . A Celebration of Life will be conducted at 10 AM Saturday, May 21,2011 at the Miller Richards Heritage Chapel. Private interment will follow at Sunset Hill Memory Garden. Please visit our website www.millerandrichardsfuneralhome.com to sign the guestbook and share memories.
In lieu of flowers donations may be made to the Salvation Army, 317 East First Avenue Rome GA 30161 or the Heyman HospiceCare P.O. Box 163 Rome, GA 30162.
The Heritage Chapel of the Miller Richards Funeral Home, 1148 North Broad Street, Rome GA is serving the family of Dr. James Samuel Sam Garner, Jr.

practice

no picture

Nobody is perfect

     No one is perfect all the time.  Even my wonderful, loyal and sweet husband.  I say this because at 3 am this morning I was WOKEN up by a soft voice saying, "The Mavs won, I wish I'd seen it."  He turned the game off when the Mavs were down 15 with 5 minutes left.  At that point I didn't care.  I was pissed that he had woken me up with this USELESS information.  When I found out what time it was he went and slept on the couch.  He is currently hoping they will replay the entire 5 minutes.  For those of that don't know me, I have significant trouble sleeping and when I do get to sleep it is a very light sleep.  Anyone that dares to wake me up will face the wrath of a grumpy fussy Andrea.
     At this point I would like to get heavy red and gold curtains for the guest bedroom so I can sleep in there when Mike gets annoying.  I want to tell all of the married people out their to have an extra, dark, QUIET place in case your partner decides to idiotically wake you up.  Mike has been forgiven and is out of danger.  He is happy because he is seeing the game that he missed.  I am fine because he went to the couch of his own volition... what a smart man.  I have never kicked him out of bed before.  He will kick himself out of bed for minor infractions and I will tell him to please sleep in our bed.  He had no such luck last night.
   
     My grandfathers flag is on top of the bookcase in the living room.  That is where we spend most of our time and entertain guests.  I am very proud of the flag. 

Definitions

I was Not humbled to receive his flag.  I was honored.  I used to not make a habit of using words that I apparently did not know the meaning of.  However since the surgery I have forgotten what several words mean, much to my dismay.   I looked like a fool I tell you a FOOL!!!
   Oh heavens, I sent out thank you cards maybe I can intercept them before they go out.  I hope I can.   Not humbled HONORED HONORED HONORED.  
      I am such an Idiot!!!
If I could go back to 3rd grade I would because I need to relearn that stuff.

Something hit the cotton requests

I have recently received requests for copies of Dr. Sam Garners' humorous autobiographical sketches.  It is an unpublished "book" of his years during the depression and wars.  My aunt has agreed to make copies and send them out to anyone who wants it.

 I will be glad to print more copies of "Something  Hit the Cotton". To print and mail more I will need to charge $7.50. So have anyone who wants a copy mail a check for $7.50 to address, 6479 Valley Stream Dr. Cumming, GA 30040, made out to The Garner Cemetery Trust.

In addition Grandaddy was the family genealogist.  He traced the Garner family line back to the 1600s.  It is very informative and he did all the research before the days of internet.
 
So, if you would like a copy of that: 
 If anybody other than Daddy's descendants wants a copy of Southern Garners they are $35 which includes shipping. They should send a check to the address listed above made to the Garner Cemetery Trust also. I will send free ones to Daddy's descendants.

Highest Honor

     Dr. James Samuel Garner Jr. was laid to rest yesterday.  I was honored, not to mention stunned when my aunt Mardi (now the matriarchof the family) asked me if I would ride in the Limo to the funeral, I humbly accepted.  The funeral was beautiful and Charlies' words were eloquent and touching.  It was everything that Grandaddy would have wanted.  Charlie made us cry then he made us laugh.  Then my cousin stood up and said a prayer, we sang a few hymns and the ceremony closed.  However when following Beth behind the casket I saw her wipe a tear away and the emotions swelled.  It wasn't a huge loss of my emotions but I cried, (I actually lost it a little) for the first time that day but not the last. 
  
     We followed the casket to the cemetery where Grandaddy was laid to rest beside his one true love and soulmate Grandmamma (Sweet Alice). Garner read the marine poem "Crossing the Bar" which as he said was absolutely perfect. The ceremony was concluded with the folding of the American flag.  Grandaddy would have been amused at the fact the marine doing the folding had to stop twice, go back a couple folds, tighten, and refold.  The marine then presented Johns' wife, Bobanne with the flag.  After the service I was the first to walk up to marines and thank them, it came out as a whisper because I just knew if I tried to speak any louder my voice would crack.

      My aunt Mardi walked up to me with the flag and did something so unexpected it floored me.  She said they had discussed it and decided I should have the flag.  I was so touched, honored, humbled and shocked that I almost lost it right there in the middle of the cemetery. 

     After a visit with the family everyone started to leave.  Needless to say it had been a HARD couple of days.  I got in the booger mobile (my booger colored rental) and drove to the cemetery.  I had to do this for my own sanity.  When I got there it was cleaned up and Grandaddy was in the ground.  I sat down and let it all out. I try not to cry in public, so I felt safe there at his grave.  I told him how much I love him and how I know he will be watching over me....and so on and so forth.  I know he was there because I felt him and I actually heard him say "That's enough" I know it sounds CRAZY but that is what happened.  He would say "Stop crying, that's enough"  As it type I am getting a lump in my throat.

     I cried on the plane so much that my face and eyes burned from the stings of tears.  It was a pretty empty flight and I chose a seat in the front by the window, (as private as one can get in a flying tube), I read the eulogy again and cried.  Then I read "Something Hit the Cotton" and laughed.  But by the time we landed and Mike picked me up I was ready to really let it ALL out.  So in the car prior to leaving I shoved the emotional block aside and unabashedly bawled into my husband shirt.  After that I felt better.  We went to dinner with friends and I brought out "Something Hit the Cotton".  Natalie laughed hard at the Calhoun Falls train ride, Paul guffawed at the fact they took a COW through the house and lead her OFF the roof, Adam was intrigued by the fact that I have just as hard a head as my Grandaddy.  Which I have to say my hard head had saved my neck more than a few times.

     I woke up after a dream about him.  There were no details, just a familiar place.  The house that Sam built.  Only it was brand new and Grandmamma was there, Grandaddy was young, and they were happy.  I reckon that I saw a glimpse of heaven and that gives me comfort because now I know I am going to be fine.  Grandaddy is happy again.

     I have been fervently praying for years for him to pass with no pain.  I just neglected to pray for the living to not have pain. 

     A poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye touched me

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight.
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there — I do not die. ”

Memories

    When someone dies just know they are at peace an always will be.  Never again will they have to deal with the trials and tribulations of life here on this earth.  I find comfort in not thinking of it as an ending but as the beginning of a brand new chapter.  Unfortunately you will not know what death is like until it happens to you, and then you can't tell anybody about it.  I think of that as Gods gotcha moment.
     I have seen a whole lot of people that I don't remember but they remember me.  When I look confused the all say "I could never forget you Andrea".  I don't know if this is good or bad or a little of both.

    Tomorrow is the funeral and Charlie (my uncle) is going to tell stories as a eulogy.  Grandaddy was a really funny guy, if you didn't get to meet him read "Something Hit the Cotton"  it is a humorous autobiography.  My father took a cues from him on boyfriends.  He didn't learn their names until they were around for at least 6 months.  Then he called them the wrong name on purpose (trying to get a rise out them?) more likely to show them they need to earn his respect.  That was hard.  Grandaddy did not like being kissed by his grandchildren which seemed a little cold until Dad put it in perspective.  He comes home from a long day of dealing with whiny kids, (Being a pediatrician) sit s down outside with a drink and friends trying to shrug the day off and some little snot nose kid come and slobers all over you.  I think I respect him for that.

     I remember when I came to 90th birthday as a surprise.  I had not seen him move so fast in years.  I was flattered.  Of course he apparently wore himself out with the effort and gout and had to sit for the rest of the time we were there.  I remember his laugh, his hugs, above all his unyielding support.  I remember the time he took one of my boyfriends out on the golf cart and showed him around his property.  I think he just wanted to get to know him.  His name was Joe so Grandaddy called him Marvin or Herbert or Billy. 

     When Grandaddy met Michael he immediately called him by his correct name and seemed pleased that I found someone that was not only willing to but excited about sharing the rest of my life with.  That day I found out that Grandaddy was scheduled to storm a beach in the war but we dropped a bomb that saved his life.  That bomb saved ALL our lives because he did not have children yet.  See Told you God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. 

prepping for tragedy

     No matter what, you cannot prepare yourself for a tragedy.  I have been bracing myself for this loss for a long time.  I cannot stop the hurt, I know this.  I used to make myself believe that something horrible happened and I would cry.  That was my way of prepping for tragedy.  It does not work.  No matter what, it causes a fresh hurt, a tear in the soul, an indescribable pain.  Only faith and family can get you through the event.  If you have been through as much crap as my family has, you get strong or die.  You support each other, or watch each other go insane.  If you have a strong family unit, one of you can be teetering on the brink of insanity and a family member will pull you back to solid ground.  That is a connection that is much greater than friendship, it's blood.

     Cancer is synonymous with death.  But none of us get out of life alive.  So whats the point of fearing death.  We are all mortal, we will all die. When you die it will be as it was before you were born.  Out of pain, out of consciousness.  Whatever else there is we will not be able to tell our loved ones.  They will find solace in their faith, whatever that may be.

     Life is full of twists and turns.  Life will take you to places that you never imagined.  You will find strength you did not know you had.  I look back at my life and realize I have tapped into strength reserves that I had no idea were there.

     My point is there is nothing you can do to stop the feeling of pain that comes from a death in the family.  Even if you have been prepping for years.

Rest in peace Dr Samuel Garner you were the patriarch of our family and will be missed terribly.  But I am glad you are out of pain.

I have always been clumsy

I have always been clumsy.  But 2 days ago I whacked my self in the head with my car door.  I later figured that I should NOT have been leaning forward to see out of the opening garage door while simultaneously opening my car door.  I whacked myself so hard that I stumbled 6 feet back to the wall in the garage and was stunned for a few seconds.  It is like when Boots (quarterhorse) reared up and kicked me in the head at the farm.  I whipped him around and pushed him backwards into his paddock, let him go, shut the gate, then collapsed.  Saw stars for about a minute then went inside.  He probably gave me a mild concussion but I did not go to a doctor and if Sarah reads this, this is the first she is finding out about the accident.  It could have been so much worse, Boots shied at a loud noise coming from the truck painting the fence.  I felt him rearing and turned so he did not get me with his entire hoof in the back of the head but instead got me on the right side of my head with the front of his hoof.  That was the HARDEST hit I have EVER taken.  It hurt so badly, but I muscled through the pain.

     When I worked on the farm I took some hard hits from horses, and got tossed into a wall in the barn the equine therapist told me don't move because she though I broke my hip.  But, being stubborn I told don't call an ambulance I am fine and my hip is not broken.  The bruise was hoof shaped and sized and turned all colors of the rainbow.  Sarah sent me for a massage, it was the first massage I had ever had and it was AWESOME. 
     On the farm I was on foal watch and was present for all but 2 births.  One of those was Rab and he was breach, it was an extremely difficult delivery Sarah had to reach into Czaria and position the foal to come out. When he was safely out I was COVERED in placenta juice and birthing fluid,  needless to say my clothes were toast. She told me to go smoke a cigarette.  I cannot imagine what I must have looked like.  But the foal I most admired was named Lana and she was red bag which means "water" had not broken and she was born in what looked like a red sack.  She was septic and had all sorts of other problems she should have been stillborn but was such a fighter that she went to the hospital and they sent her home.  Sarah and I were in the stall when she seized and died in my arms.  Sarah was running to get some sort of life saving kit and I was giveing mouth to nose CPR.  But Lana had had enough.  She was such a fighter. 
     Just like the racehorse Smooth as Silver the horse was lame and Roland told Steve has shouldn't race him.  But Steve being bull headed butcher did not care.  He demanded that Smooth be raced.  Smooth broke out of the gate and had a lead and he would've lead wire to wire if not for the fact that in the home stretch his front left leg snapped but he ran on to get 4th.  When he was vanned off the track it was discover that his leg was broken in 3 places and he was put down the next day.  Think about what a waste that was.  Smooth was a champion and his career was ruined by a man who just did not care.
   During my time on the track and farm I had many experiences that other people never get to have. I was present for a castration (Gelding of a stallion)  I palpated a mare.  Which is where you put on a glove that goes up to your armpit and stick your hand into a mare and feel the opening of her reproductive organs.  That was the coolest experience ever.  Though the majority of people would think it is disgusting as hell.

  That is why I work with boarded horse now and not racehorse or breeding horses or show horses.  The horses I work with now are perfectly calm and old and they know better.   There is not foaling at 2 am and waiting to see if the placenta has 2 horns then waiting to make sure that nothing goes wrong.  A foal can be born perfectly healthy at 2 am and then be dead at 6 am.  If no one is there watching then nobody is there to call the vet. Then you have lost a perfectly good foal and foals are $$. $$makes the world go round and it is expensive to take care of horses. I remember Visiting Bea a 19 yr old horse that was pregnant had a hemmorage and died in the field. I was out and felt so guilty the guilt ate at me when I went out to the field and sat with her body.  She was a beautiful thoroughbred mare and had I been more vigilant I may have been able to prevent her death.  That has plagued me ever since.  That and when the dalmatian pack broke into the field and ate Irma alive.  I was alone on the farm and the neighbors heard my frantic screams for help and came over.  I called Sarah and she rushed home.  Irma was a goat and therefore heavier than I could lift so the only thing I could do was make calls and make sure that vet was ready for us.  I don't remember how we got her into the truck but I do remember that she passed out and I did something that I will forever regret because thinking of it now it seems cruel.  I rubbed her all over to get her circulation going again and gave her mouth to nose resucitation and brought her back to consciousness only to have the vet put her down.  If you think animals don't feel then you have obviously never heard a goat scream in pain.  I wished I had just let her die in the back of the truck because she was in excruciating pain. I heard her screams in my nightmares for weeks after.  That day on the way back Sarah and I made a mutual decision that I should move on from the farm.  I was emotionally immature to handle all that.  I was mad at first, but the anger melted into overwhelming guilt over the fact that I had not been there to prevent the attack.  In my defense I never thought that the dogs would break into the field much less attack and eat a goat.  I remember that day and it will be with me until I die.  I am glad that I did not jump into the pasture and try to beat them off because they would have most definately turned on me and with the pack mentality they had they would have most likely killed me. Then Sarah would have come home to an extremely shocking and heartbreaking scene.  But I try not to think about that because Sarahs mother went over to the neighbor that owned the dogs and told him what they did.  In response he pulled out a shotgun and blew all the dogs away right in front of her.  She was understandably terrified because he could have shot her.  Needless to say that was a very bad day.  When I am having a bad day I think about that day and my life and day doesn't seem so bad. 

     The day of the dogs was the worst day of my life and that is why I am terrified of dalmatians.

Well I have rambled enough and will probably get flack from Sarah for this blog, but it was in 03 and now it is 11.  I have never admitted it to myself that all of that could have been prevented had I just been more vigilant.  I am so sorry Sarah.

Nothing good comes from jealousy

My friend asked me point blank what I plan to do with the rest of my life.  I thought about that and replied I would like to be an inspiration.  But I know now that I will never be as inspiring as another cancer survivor because her blog reaches a ton more people than mine does. 
                                             So I thank YOU for reading this.

     My old friend Cowboy gave me a card that said forgiveness on it.  From the day he gave it to me I have kept it.  I had with me at his funeral and I look at it whenever I get angry at someone or something.  He gave it to me on my worst day that I can remember.  I was so pissed off at the world that day that my speech therapist had me punch a bag and we did not even try to do any therapy that day.  At the end of my session somehow Cowboy and I met up and he walked with me out to the car before I got in the car he hugged me and said "It will get better, stay strong."  Now at the time the words did not resonate with me I was like, "yeah whatever."  However I pass that advice along to anyone that will listen.  I still have the card and Cowboy is MY inspiration.

  Rest in peace Cowboy.  You will NOT be forgotten.  I meant what I said to you in the hospital you gave me the strength I needed and you continue to be a guardian angel to me.  I thank God that I was lucky enough to have met someone like you.  God sure knows what he is doing, even if it doesn't feel like it.

  

Hello again

     So my computer caught a nasty virus that caused my system to screw up and Blogger not to work for a few weeks.  Luckily my wonderful engineer husband saved my stuff and wiped my hard drive and now the problem is fixed!!!  I realize that I might have lost a few readers during my forced hiatus... eh well.  I am not worried.  I do this for my own catharsis.
   
      So since I have blogged last alot has transpired.  I quit Equest.  Pam told me I was slipping into a dangerous depression and I needed to get out of the house.  So I started taking riding lessons at WSSP, and working from 8-11 Monday and Friday.  Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I just go to take the horses out.  Sergio takes 5 at a time.  I take 1 at a time or 2.  Depends on how I feel.  When I go there I want to feel useful so when he comes walking out of the barn with 5 horses it makes me feel useless even though I know I am not.  That is just how Sergio rolls he has mastered the job of barn management.

     Anyway I am getting my strength back.  Friday I went with Freya to dump the manure and I picked up the huge heavy tarp and tossed it in the back of the truck all by myself.  Now you may be saying to yourself WTF are you proud of yourself for?  I am proud because during the treatment I got so weak that I could not lift over 10 lbs.  Also the muscles in my legs atrophied from non use.  Amanda, my trainer said her goal for me is to be able to post for 30 full minutes. She saw that my right side is significantly weaker than my left side and said we are going to concentrate on that.  I surprised myself with my ability to balance on a moving horse.  I was able to do a 2 point on a trotting horse after only 5 tries.  Granted it was only for about 5 seconds but I did it.  She let me hold the back of the saddle to gain my balance or if I thought I was going to fall off.  Sam (the horse) sensed that I was not so skilled and was careful not to toss me off into the dirt.  Amanda says I am a nervous rider and I waste alot of energy by gripping with my legs when I should just be one with the horse.  As a matter of fact the first time I trotted with Sam I tensed up so much that he automatically went into a walk.  Amanda said that was because I got so tense.  Also she saw I was gritting my teeth and told me not to do it, after 3 times telling me gently not to grit my teeth she said, "Andrea I DON"T want to see you grit your teeth ANYMORE."  I mad a conscious effort to keep myself from doing it from then on. 

     I am in private lessons due to the fact that I am medically not allowed to jump at all.  I think that is better for me right now.  Basically this is additional physical therapy for me.  Riding strengthens and tones every muscle in your body, it is kind of like swimming only not wet.

     I feel the need to give back because of all the people that helped me through the extremely difficult treatment.  The past 2 years have been a fight for my life and no one would allow me to give up.  Thank you guys more than words can say. 

     Contingent on the fact that my computer stays healthy I will blog later.

blogger wont let me post.

hmmm

Radiation results

     I had an appointment with my radiologist Dr. Nedzi (dude that zapped my brain) and when he walked in, his usually somber face broke into a huge smile.  He said "Andrea, I remember when you first came here, and your speech is much, much better."  I replied, "Well, I practice alot." He and Mike chuckled.

     He said it all looks good and he wants to see me in a year.


    

Leaving the past behind

Today I realized that I have some major baggage that I just cannot seem to let go of so I am going to write about it.  Why can't I just walk away?  Leave the past behind me?  Heavens, this cancer is easier to forget than her memory.  I will never see her again I need closure to let this go.  I have no idea how to get closure by myself.  She is attached to a memorable time in my life when I learned ALOT. I learned about myself and how cruel people can be. 

      They say that writing it is cathartic.  I hold firm that they are correct. I will attain closure by expressing my feelings through this blog.  Open to everyone, making me vulnerable as a baby kitten. Probably telling more than you want to know.  More than you need to know is more like it.  Some things must remain private.  "not everyone needs to know everything"  is something she frequently said to me.  OOPS.  Not oops I am not ashamed of my life I will tell anyone anything they want to know. 

     I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need.  I did this in KY while working for brief time at Rood and Riddle, I saw a motorcycle accident and I ripped my long sleeve shirt off and they tied it around his head.  Then I left, shirtless.  I never found out what happened to him but at least I was there to lend a helping shirt,  I looked for a towel but there weren't any in my car.  I am so desperate to help others that I have gotten myself tangled up in messes that I should have just walked away from.  My whole life I have been searching for purpose.

     Now I think I have found my purpose because if this blog helps even 1 person it will all be worth it.  The pain I went through from the cancer and all of the things I have overcome.  My purpose in life is simply to inspire others to help their fellow man.  This world is too full of cruelty and snap judgments.  I know I cannot end all that with just a blog, but this is my part, my contribution to a happier way of life.

     If you read this and you know someone that it could help please pass it along.

The importance of repeating

If you haven't been through the trauma of cancer you just do not understand where we are coming from.  You can sympathize and feel sorry for us, but there is no way you can empathize with us.  We as cancer survivors have come to grips with our own mortality.  That is a very scary thing to do.  But scarier still are the fears of recurrence.  For me the main fear is that I will have a seizure and be home bound for 6 months again.  That is on par with my fears of recurrence.

     Being able to listen to what your body is trying to tell you will save your life.  Don't worry if others call you a hypochondriac.  My immediate family always told me I was a hypochondriac, then when I was diagnosed they said good thing it happened to you because we would have just thought nothing of it.  Apparently they did not realize and to this day don't understand how painful it was.  The tumor was ruining my life, my job, my love for my husband.  Until it was taken out I felt apathetic about everything including my own wedding.  I knew that was not right.  A person should be happy about getting married.  I had feelings about my wedding and I knew that I loved Michael with all my heart, but the fact that in a few weeks I felt apathetic about the wedding, well that's when I knew something was desperately wrong.

     I know, I know, you have heard this story before but it is therapeutic to talk about it.  It is so important to KNOW that some other human hears you and your story.  Even if they get really sick of hearing it the patient needs to talk about their trauma.  Cancer is trauma.  Massive life altering trauma.

   When I started to vomit at work my boss told me to go home.  This happened multiple times until I was sure that I was going to be fired for faking it.  I wasn't listening to my body.  I would get a splitting headache in the morning, go to work, vomit, get sent home but, once at home I would feel better.  (I later learned the headaches are usually worse in the morning and taper off through the day.)  I went to training for my job and was in so much pain I could no longer hide it from people.  Pat, the trainer saw that I was in horrendous pain and about to cry that she just excused and let me go home. I spoke to my boss because she got migraines as well so she advised me to ask for a certain drug.  She said once it dissolved on your tongue you would get IMMEDIATE relief.  So I requested it my doctor obliged.  It didn't work.  So on the 4th or 5th visit I asked for an MRI.  Dr. Wood said he couldn't authorize one unless the symptoms were really really bad. So I told him "With my family history I am afraid that my headaches are a symptom of something bigger and I just want to know for sure if I am actually being a hypochondriac."  To which he replied, "No I don't think you are being a hypochondriac."  Then he coached me through what to say to him so I could get an MRI.  Dr. Wood is an awesome physician that listens to his patients.  My Previous physician Dr.G ignored my concerns and blew them off.  She did a whole battery of other tests but, not an MRI. Alas, there is no use in thinking "what if"  All that matters is Snarla was discovered in time to save my life.

   The surgery was almost an emergency Dr. Lang moved another patient to a different time slot so he could take care of me.  I went to MD Anderson 1 week for the intake, They evaluated me and I guess I was farther along than I realized because like 4 days later I had an awake craniotomy.  Those 4 days were FULL of tests and MRI's  and seeing EXACTLY where the tumor sat (very near my motor cortex) They wanted to get it out as soon as they could so I would be able to function and live a "normal" life I guess they were worried.  The day before the surgery I remember, I cried because they shaved the left side of my head and I had such beautiful hair.  Seems silly now seeing as how my life could have ended that next day on the table. I just realized  that  I am not being a drama queen.  That was some SERIOUS shit, I did not realize how serious it was until after it was over.

     I remember how infuriating not being able to communicate was.  My in laws were there trying to help me.  I was so frustrated that I lashed out at anyone that tried to help me.  Mike's parents got fed up and left and to this day I am sorry that I did not have any control over my impulses.  I mean if it went through my head it came out of my mouth.  That can be BAD, it was horrible.  T my speech therapist helped me learn to speak again.  I am eternally grateful to her, she is an angel among humans.

    Also I took Mike for granted as well.  I feel extra guilty about that because I treated him like dirt.  He was doing everything in his power to make ME comfortable but I could not walk or write or talk so I was really terrified and my new husband took the brunt of my rage.  But he took his vows seriously, marriage is not an institution to enter into lightly.  I love Mike he is MY personal angel.

AJG

Through Faith ANYTHING is possible

On the first church visit after the diagnosis the reading was "Let Me Die Laughing"  Written by Mark Morrison-Reed, an excerpt from Been in the storm so long, 1991

      It moved me to tears. So I got a copy made and I put it one the cover of the book that Stephanie made me.  On the other side of the book: "Words to live by: ATTITUDE, written by Dr. Charles Swindoll

Will scan and post in the next blog

Blood and water

I have preached this before, however it is so important that it needs to be told again.  When you are diagnosed with cancer (Any type) you will find out who your real friends are.  You may think you know them but you will know you have a good friend if they stick around during your treatment.
I say this because I am having an "I beat cancer, thank you for being there" party and one who shall remain nameless blew me off.  I mean doesn't this person know how lucky they are that they don't have to go to a FUNERAL.  This is a celebration of LIFE.  I don't think this is petty at all.  I think what this person did SUCKS.    But I think what they did was GRADE A Selfish and shitty.



But on a happier note, I just got back from a very pleasant bike ride down preston ridge trail.  Due to the rain last night it was cool weather.  It is a fact that tail wind is much better than head wind.

I was so depressed all last week, it stunk and Mike was really worried about me.  But mood swings come with the territory of cancer.  When I tell people that I finished chemo and am in the monitoring stage most people assume monitoring is remission.  I don't have the heart to tell them that with my type of cancer I will not ever go into remission.  EVER because there are still tumor cells in my brain, and that was confirmed by my oncologist.  But the good thing is that it cannot spread outside my brain.  The bad thing is that if it crosses the blood brain barrier I am dead.  But hopefully that won't happen for a very very long time i.e I will pass of old age first.  The likelihood it will cross over is slim to none.

People that have other types of tumors on the right frontal lobe can go into remission.  People with other types of cancer can go into remission.  Everyone is different and if you are going to get cancer do it in your 20s because our bodies are more resilient and resistant. 

Until next time.....

Cancer has strengthened my faith

So when I was diagnosed I was iffy about God.  I didn't go to church, basically I held a grudge against him for my mother dying when I was still developing mentally.  I was 5 or 6.  I blamed him for all the bad things that had happened in my life and I questioned his very existence.  I believed the world wasn't controlled b y some invisible graceful force.  I thought it was just a higher power fucking with us.  I resented my life and took it for granted.

     Then I met Michael, he brought purpose into my life. After we got married and I was diagnosed with brain cancer  I was convinced that I was too big of a burden for him to carry.  I mean think about it Newlyweds and the wife gets a deadly form of cancer not just any cancer Brain Cancer.  And the choice set before us was a very difficult one.  The surgery could leave me paralyzed or unable to communicate. I was very sorry that I had gotten this disease.  I apologized profusely to him to which he ALWAYS replied, "I take my vows seriously".  
Any other guy I know would have cut and run.  Michael stayed and we are stronger for it.

    The road to recovery was a long and DIFFICULT journey.  One that I couldn't have survived with God and all the people praying for me.  This cancer has actually changed my life in a big way. I now go to church and believe in the power of prayer.  I believe that when more than one person asks for the same thing there is more of a likely hood that it will be done. 

     Now I married into a Catholic/Jewish family and their views are widespread.  I don't judge because all prayers go to the same place. I try not to dwell on the differences in peoples beliefs.  I come from an extremely Christian family.  So as not to offend anyone I will cease the discussion of religion right there.

The point is that with the help and never ending support of countless people I am well again. 

Cancer survivors still get bullied

I just tried to post my last blog to Facebook.  Now I post on a weekly basis.  However some jerk off flagged it as abusive and or spammy.  Now I understand that once it is out there you can NEVER take it back so I will restrain myself.  The culprit is parading around as one of my "friends"  If they cared enough to look at it and  proceed to FLAG it that is just pathetic.  I have faith in people to look at what they are interested in and skip over the non interesting or relevant stuff.  Why don't they just de-friend me.  It makes me furious and deeply deeply hurts my feelings. 


I am simply a woman trying to share my story through the harrowing and most of the time deadly disease of Brain Cancer.  My question is WHY would someone do this.  If you don't like it or are not interested in the blog then why the f^$# are you taking the time to flag it .  I cannot help but take this personally.  Just so you know I will be fleecing my friends.  So if at some point someone decides to look at their friend count and sees it is lower..... that is why.


It is going to drive up the wall not knowing who did this.  I know I should just let it go because if I don't I give my control to them.  They have made me mad and hurt my feelings. 
     This brings up painful memories of High School. 

Changes

Michael and I epitomize the fact that age does not matter.  We are soulmates and we can finish each others sentences and can have an entire conversation without speaking a word.  In short he is the love of my life.

   So Pam posed the question, "How long had the tumor been there?"  The doctors don't know and there is no way to tell.  However after Grandmama passed from a GBM on the left side, my father took me to have an MRI and they did not find anything.  That was when I was 8.  However 8 years later I began having migraines.  The worst one was at Project SOAR right before we were supposed to leave on a horse packing trip.  Paula took me to the doctor and then made me drink Pedialite.  I was 16.  Anyway the migraines were so bad and I knew when they were coming on because I t always went like this:  1) tunnel vision 2) vomit 3) pass out.  When I woke up it would be gone.  So the doctors said it was stress.  I got so used to them that the symptoms all but disappeared.
     My point is from 16 on I genuinely believe the tumor on my frontal lobe was affecting my impulses.  Causing me to be misdiagnosed by multiple Psychiatrists,  psychtherapists and even My regular doctors.  It took 11 years for me to have it bad enough to ask for an MRI.

     I am not the same person that I was when I was 19 or in Kentucky.  All that time the tumor was pressing against my impulse center.  I wonder how different my life would be if Snarla had been discovered in Kentucky.  I definitely would have made better choices.  However, I am who I am today because of everything I have been through.  Though I have had a rough traumatic life I know it could always be worse and I thank God that it is not.

     There were people in Kentucky who gave a strange girl a chance with their horses. I am very grateful to them.  Then there is one in particular who I am still in contact with she wrote me a recommendation to work with Freya.  There was one foal in particular that I was very close to I called him Rab because when he was born I thought he looked like a rabbit due to his ears.  I don't know what happened to him,  he is probably retired by now.  But that relationship showed me how a bond between a horse and a human can positively influence ones life.