praying that she stays asleep

So my situation is different from most people in my tumorland.  Every case is unique and every tumor has chance of recurrence; but is my fear really justified?  Someone always tells me "don't borrow trouble".  I don't think I am borrowing trouble by being afraid.  I am scared $@%#less because unlike other people that have had their tumors completely resected and are in in full remission (I.E. no trace of tumor cells) snarla is just asleep.  Everyday I think "Will I be alive this time next year?".  I cannot help it and if you haven't been in this situation before you cannot begin to understand what that is like.  Don't get me wrong, you can and do empathize and for that I grateful. 
     However everytime you get a headache you don't think about the life threatening thing that is just dormant in you brain waiting to strike.  IF I die naturally it will be from brain cancer.  I have no illusions and I know that later today I could get hit by a bus. DUH.  I wish people would just STOP telling me that as if it is going to make me feel better.  I am Fully aware of just how fragile and precious life is.  I studied it, I have worked with hospice and I have also worked with old people,  as matter of fact I have ALWAYS worked with dying people.  I used to want to open a funeral parlor.  I am not morbid I was just over exposed to death in my developing stages.
Now I have cancer that will kill me if given the chance.   I don't want to dabble in coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I no longer no how to grab life by the horns.  I have lost a bit of myself to her (Snarla).  They told me I would only get back 90% of who I was before.  They were right and the things I lost were the things I did not need.  That is how to deal with this so I don't go insane. But I am noticing other things that were lost, history, names of historical figures, geography.  They say that the one thing that can never be stripped from you is your knowledge I am living proof that is a false statement.  Everything that you have, everything that you are CAN be taken away.
 I am NOT strong, none of us are; we just do like you, just trying to cope with this.  I am still figuring out how.
By rereading this blog it looks and sounds like I am begging for sympathy, when what I am actually saying is just give me ideas on how to cope.  Help me. I will be strong of spirit again and I am working on being physically strong again as well.

But if life doesn't challenge you, you are doing it wrong.