Last night I had a dream that I was in a car speeding around really curvy roads. My dad was in the front but then they turned into police men. We seemed to be careening out of control and all I had was remote control to try to enhance the brake. We were headed toward a stop sign with a beamer already at it, I pressed the "brake" as hard as could and realized that yes I did have my seatbelt on. We stopped just short of smashing into the beamer. Then I took the wheel and promptly got lost so I turned arounxd and went to find my dad.
I think this means that I feel I have NO control over what is happening to me and and even so I cannot contemplate dying. I cannot contemplate smashing into that car at that speed. I need to slow down and stop. This is NOT hurry up and wait, this is learning to be patient and trusting that everything will be okay. Learning to trust others as well and letting go of the motto "If you want something done right you have to do it yourself" Also accept the fact that not everybody can handle this. Most people will run the other way while yelling apologies at you. When you survive, YOU have to be the one to NOT let them back in your life. When the going gets tough..the weak run away but you as a cancer patient don't have that luxury.
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