Nov 8 2009
For the first time last night I wasn't racked with nightmares. I have been looking for books on hom to handle this situation and there really are not any out there on how other people feel when they are going through brain cancer. Oh yeah, it was upgraded to an anaplastic astrocytoma or a grade III. Yep I am scare as all insane hell. The anxiety is the worst because it just makes everything bad. Dr Fink has me on 300 mg of dilantin per night so I won't have seizures and she built me up on welbutrin for depression and anxiety...started at 150 mg and then went to 300. I have never been on such a high dose before. Hoever, my anxiety is SO BAD that I don't feel any different.
I have been reading "Surviving "Terminal" Cancer" by Ben williams, he was diagnosed with a GBM on his right side in 1995 and he is still alive. What seriously sucks is that I really cannot find any survivors of this out there, they must exist, I just cannot find them. Left Frontal Lobe anaplastic astrocytoma Yipes stripes. Also neurologically for the moment I am not really having a whole lot of difficulty, I mean at times I stutter and other times I cannot remember my words but anxiety explains the memory thing. I have notice that I am dragging my feet a bit.
The most pr found thing I have read was in Ben Williams book. He quoted Woody Allen and said "I don't fear death, I just don't want to be there when it happens" You know if you die slowly you really won't be there when it happens. I also read (same book) I don't regret my death as I did not regret before I was born. Not an exact quote but pretty darn close. However, I am right there with Dr. Williams I also will not go quietly in that good night.
I have wondered if this is God or the higher powers way of telling me to shut up???
I am more than scared I am past anxious I wake up terrified. I go through my day with the words "anaplastic, Grade III, Terminal cancer, Left side left si left side frontal lobe speech center motor center..." ALWAYS rolling through my head. I sleep fitfully because I am scared of having a tonic clonic seizure, I know Dr. fink says they are well controlled with medicine but I twitch more than I used to and I feel like I would be having a seizure except for the meds, I feel like seizures and meds are in a giant twirling fight like Adria and (see can't rember name) the ancient that was Daniels friend.....ALma and ADria locked in eternal battle from SG-1 (watch out!!! SCI FI reference) that is how I feel my brain and meds are. I am so sick of people telling me to "hang in there" I know they mean well but just send a card every now and again to remind me so I will have physical permanent reminder that people don't want me to give up or give in. I am fucking terrified but other than that I feel okay.
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