will someone please give me the directions?

ok so by now we all know that life doesn't come with directions.  But then again I think maybe it should.  That way when you get thrown a curve ball (in my case cancer) you will know exactly what to do and how to do it.  My situation is when I was diagnosed I had to stop working because the headaches were so tremendous.  Now that I am 2 months away from the end of the chemo I have to start thinking about a job.  GREAT!!! I mean when I was at my old job the economy had just started going in the crapper, now I am only suited for working in retail or food industry. When I think to myself  WHAT THE HELL DID I SPEND $60000 on that flimsy degree for if I can't use it?  This is the epitome of "life is unfair"   I can't stop myself from crying.

I mean I REALLY REALLY enjoyed my job.  I was one of the lucky ones I had a job I enjoyed and to top it off I was good at it.  Then my dumbass brain had to go get cancer. Now the cancer is dormant and my job opportunities are dead. The economy is not going to rebound any time soon.  Some people have called their cancer an opportunity or the first day of the rest of their life.  Well I want some of what they are smoking.  Yes I am bitter. But I have damn good reason to be bitter, not to mention pissed off.

I really think that life should come with directions.

holy moly

So there is a new Starbucks size: Trenta.  You can get an iced drink in 900 ml whch is the avg capacity of the human stomach.  My goodness we are already the fattest, most overindulgent, most wasteful country in the world; what is next?

I am one step closer to my dream of working with kids at risk with horses.  I think I found my niche.  YAY for me.  I will still volunteer at Windmill Stables but I will additionally volunteer at Equest.


*****DISCLAIMER*****
The views and opinions expressed here in No way reflect those of the Equest Therapy Center

If you are not outraged you are not paying attantion

Ok folks I am going to warn you up front: this is going to be a LONG blog.  So if you are truly invested bookmark it.

With all that is going on in the world a single person feels helpless to do anything to change the way of the world.  Because I am one of these truly helpless, hopeless feeling people I am pouring all my feelings out in this blog.  So here goes:
Case 1:  Natural disasters
So it seems the apocalypse is upon us, that or mother nature is just really pissed.  Or maybe and most probably it is the FACT that we have sucked the ozone out and there is little to no protection from the extreme rays of the sun.  Not to mention wasting all of our resources on petty things not thinking about the lives of our grandchildren.  We give such little thought to why we are bringing even more people into an already overpopulated planet then we leave them no means to survive.  We are, to put it lightly beating the snot out of mother earth the way some careless person would drive a horse to run to its death.

Case 2:  The way we treat each other
This subject really burns my toast.  We have assasinated EVERYONE that has ever told us to get along and treat each other fairly.  Case and point Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, JFK, Ghandi, Jesus, John Lennon, yitzhak rabin (if you don't know that one wikipedia him), Anwar Sadat.  I recommend wikipedia the last 2, their stories are they were warriors who came to know the value of peace.   Most of you are probably thinking Shouldn't Jesus Christ be first,  well no, not because he was the first to preach fairness but because  Jesus stood for equality of HUMAN KIND. The others preached just the same yet we kill them like they are evil. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anwar_El_Sadat
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yitzhak_Rabin

Case 3: The SORRY state of healthcare
   I can say this because I have brain cancer.  If I did not have health insurance I would be DEAD.  End of story.  So why am I so much better than the destitute people who cannot afford operations and healthcare.  I AM NO BETTER than them.  Neither are you.  I know that is harsh to hear but how can you put a price on a life?  The insurance companies think "out of sight, out of mind"  well to them I say may you be blessed with perfect health for the rest of your life.  Pray that your children don't get sick with a pre-existing condition and you don't have to deny them care.  If they were  in the families of these people that cannot afford healthcare don't you think they'd change their tune?  If I could give my health insurance to some child that will make a difference I would in a heartbeat.  I am not going to make any difference to anyone.  But a child can and will.  But without health care they are going to die,  and nobody gives a damn.  Because if it doesn't affect you directly and you don't have to see it or hear about it you just don't care.
     I used to believe that people are inherently good and kind, now I still believe that but only for newborns.  Then we learn about the world and become the jaded folks that we are. 

Case 4: Our government
    Don't the people in washington EVER get tired of just bickering?  When Obama says ANYTHING the other side has to dispute it.  It happens every time.  Obama has had some GREAT ideas and the other side has said no.  But when they get in control they will bring it back up, claim the idea as their own and get it passed.  This is not about politics, because we see this every cycle. 

                           I will get of my soapbox now before someone comes and kicks me off.

So, in other news:  we decided to join our church this morning.  Which brings me to another point (oh crap here she goes again...)  I know we are all imperfect,  But where does one get off going to church and then going straight back to oh I don't know I will pick something extreme... Going to church then going from church and the next day Robbing a bank?  HUH??? Why go at all?
But I guess forgiveness is key we have to forgive others and ourselves.  I learned that from Cowboy (Benton Nelson)  God rest him.  I find it is hardest to forgive myself for the pain I have caused others.  27 years of extreme living in sin I wonder if that can be forgiven,  I know it can but I also know I don't deserve it in any way.  I am trying to rectify it by being overly generous and nice now but I know that doesn't make up for it.  I can never do anything to make up for the life I have led and the pain I have caused.  Everyone tells me I am too hard on myself, I think I am not hard enough. 


My next MRI is next Monday I always expect the worst and secretly hope for the best so I will not be disappointed.   But if any of them are gonna show growth it will be this one, I just know it. 

  On a happier note:  The horses are keeping me very chill and happily calm. When I am upset I go to the horses.  They can sense it and will do anything to make you feel better.  Case and Point:  I went to the barn and when I arrived I got upset.  Upon walking into the barn (going to dearaz bc she is the one I go to when I need cheering up) Odie  stuck his head out as far as he could just to get my attention.  As if to say "what's wrong?  You are usually so happy here, can I help?"  Needless to say this small gesture made me feel worlds better and my anger melted away like snow on a warm day.

Okay now I have hit my word quota for today.  Feel free to leave comments.

new year new Memories

Hello folks,
     As most of you know 2011 is upon us,  those that don't I will buy you a calendar.  Any way it was a REALLY rough year for Mike and me, but the main thing to remember is we got through the mess with our sanity intact.  YAYYYY!
     So, last MRI showed that the scar tissue has shrunk some which is a super positive.  I give credit to the horses.  After the memorial today I went to the stables for about 2 hours and Olivia and John helped me groom Dearaz and Odie.  Dearaz was first because she was Very dirty from laying down in the mud to cool off.  I picked the front hooves and brushed manes and tails. Dearaz took about an hour to fully groom and loved every minute of it, Odie just needed to be brushed off.    Olivia is very knowledgeable about horses, I was impressed.  The horses never fail to put me in good spirits...ever.  Every time I leave I have a giant smile on my face and I am calmer for the rest of the day.

     I lost a friend on the 26th.  He was someone that I had known only a short time but he had a PROFOUND impact on me and my attitude.  I knew him by the name Cowboy.  He had throat cancer 10 years ago, treated with a shot gun blast of radiation to the throat which killed the cancer but then he passed from radiation poisoning.  I suspect that he was in unimaginable pain every day but he never complained and he never stopped smiling.  He was what I aspire to be.  If you knew him you were crazy lucky to have him in your life.  I know I will NEVER forget him. 

     At the memorial today I went to his mother to tell her what an inspiration he was to me and after I told her she looked at me and said, "Oh you must be Andrea."  I was so flattered that he spoke of me that I had to sit down. The memorial service was BEAUTIFUL and touching and PACKED.  He went to a biker church and they did a 21 bike salute.  His bike was his baby so I know he enjoyed that.

      Well Benton "Cowboy" Nelson here's to you!!!! Enjoy your cornbread and milk at the Lords table.  God forbid he is in a heaven without Harleys.  We all love you and you will be missed. I hope to see your smile when I get to where you are.

It's called christmas not santa mas

Why am I not painting anymore? Simply because I made so many and they would not sell, I had to give them away.  I still have them coming out my ears.

     Anyway Christmas is a joyful time of year.  On the flipside you spend days and days thinking about the PERFECT gift for everyone, then it is all over in a matter of seconds.  A wise woman once told me that if they complain or say something like "Oh I already have that." or "I didn't want this" just don't get them anything ever again.  I think that is brilliant, not to mention logical and money saving.

     So one down and one to go. We leave Thursday for Florida to celebrate Christmas with Mikes family.
  I did not ask for anything this Christmas because I have all I need, my husband, family, faith, and health. 
On a side note I personally don't think christmas should be called xmas but I do think that people should say happy holidays just so they can be pc. Can't we all just get along???

    

not creating a bucket list yet!!!

So I feel great and the horses give me a sense of tranquility.  When I am at the stables I get this big smile on my face.  Horses are used  to routines and if you break their routines they get mad and fussy.  Case and point normally I take Kim out of her stall and into the corral,  then Daffney comes in from her corral into Kims stall, the Dearaz goes out into Daffneys corral.  Well yesterday I did the first 2 steps and then took Cash and Stoney out, Dearaz was so mad she pinned her ears and tried to bite Stoney on the rump as we walked past.  Dearaz wound up being the last to go out.  Normally when I put her in her corral she waits at the gate for me to put her halter up then come back and give her some love before she goes and gets the hay Daffney left.  Man that horse can hold a grudge.  She just walked away and then refused to come when I called.  So I figured if sweet talk doesn't work bribery will.  I was right I gave her a treat and all was forgiven. 
  Jewel is a ham, when I park she sees it as here duty to greet me.  Ebony is sweet as sweet can be she will walk right next to you as you walk thru the corral.  But her owner comes EVERY night and rides her and gives her love and affection.

   People don't realize just how therapeutic horses and humans are to each other.  If you take a kid that has been abused and or neglected and put him around horses they will teach him trust and love and vice versa.
So right now these horses are saving my life...yet again.  As I have always said: God forbid I go to a heaven without horses.

Ahh sweet routine

I never thought I would say this but I am grateful my life is boring and predictable now.  Due to the fact that we never know when the next big thing will pop up I am reveling in this quiet time. 

  So I was really worried about my MRI, but Dr. Fink reassured me that it was stable so i don't have to worry about that.  The net day I got my 4th and final root canal and my headaches went away completely.  Now I only get a headache if my body is trying to tell me something i.e dehydrated, hungry, tired, sleeping too much etc.

    Something else is helping my headaches.  Horses.  I got a volunteer position at the English riding stables on Jupiter.  The owner that I have met, Freya is awesome~!~!  Sarah H. wrote a letter of reccomendation to prove that I have alot of horse experience.  I am eternally grateful to her for that.  If she had not done that I would still be in the house all day obsessing about my own death and worrying that every twinge of pain was snarla staging a comeback.  Now whenever I get nervous I go hang with the horses.  My favorites (don't tell them) are Dearaz, Tusca and Tommy.  I get to walk them to the grass, groom them and generally hang out with them and give them lots of love.  Tommy's owner has cancer and she can no longer come take care of him so I do it or as much as I can.  He is a TB which is a highly active breed and though I used to work with only Thoroughbreds I now don't have the strength to handle a highly skittish horse.  That and I don't want to risk getting kicked in the head.   I know he wouldn't mean to hurt me but they can easily injure me and if I did not know what I was doing they would.

   Teresa always wanted me to get out of the house and do something that I love, but the only thing I wanted to do was work and be around horses. Period.  I knew that was what would make me feel better and feel alive again so thank god for Sarah Hamilton. 

Did I mention I am free labor? But I am not exactly free my payment is being around these majestic, calm, and healing creatures. Once again horses will save my life.  Once again I realize that I have something  to live for: God, my husband, horses, and prove snarla is a little weenie biznatch.

Thanks again for reading.  I could not do this without you guys.  Thank you.