not creating a bucket list yet!!!

So I feel great and the horses give me a sense of tranquility.  When I am at the stables I get this big smile on my face.  Horses are used  to routines and if you break their routines they get mad and fussy.  Case and point normally I take Kim out of her stall and into the corral,  then Daffney comes in from her corral into Kims stall, the Dearaz goes out into Daffneys corral.  Well yesterday I did the first 2 steps and then took Cash and Stoney out, Dearaz was so mad she pinned her ears and tried to bite Stoney on the rump as we walked past.  Dearaz wound up being the last to go out.  Normally when I put her in her corral she waits at the gate for me to put her halter up then come back and give her some love before she goes and gets the hay Daffney left.  Man that horse can hold a grudge.  She just walked away and then refused to come when I called.  So I figured if sweet talk doesn't work bribery will.  I was right I gave her a treat and all was forgiven. 
  Jewel is a ham, when I park she sees it as here duty to greet me.  Ebony is sweet as sweet can be she will walk right next to you as you walk thru the corral.  But her owner comes EVERY night and rides her and gives her love and affection.

   People don't realize just how therapeutic horses and humans are to each other.  If you take a kid that has been abused and or neglected and put him around horses they will teach him trust and love and vice versa.
So right now these horses are saving my life...yet again.  As I have always said: God forbid I go to a heaven without horses.

Ahh sweet routine

I never thought I would say this but I am grateful my life is boring and predictable now.  Due to the fact that we never know when the next big thing will pop up I am reveling in this quiet time. 

  So I was really worried about my MRI, but Dr. Fink reassured me that it was stable so i don't have to worry about that.  The net day I got my 4th and final root canal and my headaches went away completely.  Now I only get a headache if my body is trying to tell me something i.e dehydrated, hungry, tired, sleeping too much etc.

    Something else is helping my headaches.  Horses.  I got a volunteer position at the English riding stables on Jupiter.  The owner that I have met, Freya is awesome~!~!  Sarah H. wrote a letter of reccomendation to prove that I have alot of horse experience.  I am eternally grateful to her for that.  If she had not done that I would still be in the house all day obsessing about my own death and worrying that every twinge of pain was snarla staging a comeback.  Now whenever I get nervous I go hang with the horses.  My favorites (don't tell them) are Dearaz, Tusca and Tommy.  I get to walk them to the grass, groom them and generally hang out with them and give them lots of love.  Tommy's owner has cancer and she can no longer come take care of him so I do it or as much as I can.  He is a TB which is a highly active breed and though I used to work with only Thoroughbreds I now don't have the strength to handle a highly skittish horse.  That and I don't want to risk getting kicked in the head.   I know he wouldn't mean to hurt me but they can easily injure me and if I did not know what I was doing they would.

   Teresa always wanted me to get out of the house and do something that I love, but the only thing I wanted to do was work and be around horses. Period.  I knew that was what would make me feel better and feel alive again so thank god for Sarah Hamilton. 

Did I mention I am free labor? But I am not exactly free my payment is being around these majestic, calm, and healing creatures. Once again horses will save my life.  Once again I realize that I have something  to live for: God, my husband, horses, and prove snarla is a little weenie biznatch.

Thanks again for reading.  I could not do this without you guys.  Thank you.

one year anniversary

When I tink of this day last year I shudder.  I did not know for certain that I would make it through the day.  Looking back I now see how brave I was.  Going into that surgery with uncertain out come and uncertain that I would be alive after.  There was a possibility that I would die on the table.

THANK GOD I did not die.  I truly believe that had it not been for all the prayers,  my outcome would have been drastically different.  Yet here I am one year to the day later back to normal for everyone that doesn't live with me.  Looking back I don't know how or were I summoned the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you so much!! You are the reason I am alive, You and your prayers and YOUR faith.  I had none sure I cast a few pleading last ditch prayers of my own but I did not believe they were heard.  Apparently Valerie Spratlin was right I have a higher purpose.  I do not know what that is but I am determined to find out. 


THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!

praying that she stays asleep

So my situation is different from most people in my tumorland.  Every case is unique and every tumor has chance of recurrence; but is my fear really justified?  Someone always tells me "don't borrow trouble".  I don't think I am borrowing trouble by being afraid.  I am scared $@%#less because unlike other people that have had their tumors completely resected and are in in full remission (I.E. no trace of tumor cells) snarla is just asleep.  Everyday I think "Will I be alive this time next year?".  I cannot help it and if you haven't been in this situation before you cannot begin to understand what that is like.  Don't get me wrong, you can and do empathize and for that I grateful. 
     However everytime you get a headache you don't think about the life threatening thing that is just dormant in you brain waiting to strike.  IF I die naturally it will be from brain cancer.  I have no illusions and I know that later today I could get hit by a bus. DUH.  I wish people would just STOP telling me that as if it is going to make me feel better.  I am Fully aware of just how fragile and precious life is.  I studied it, I have worked with hospice and I have also worked with old people,  as matter of fact I have ALWAYS worked with dying people.  I used to want to open a funeral parlor.  I am not morbid I was just over exposed to death in my developing stages.
Now I have cancer that will kill me if given the chance.   I don't want to dabble in coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I no longer no how to grab life by the horns.  I have lost a bit of myself to her (Snarla).  They told me I would only get back 90% of who I was before.  They were right and the things I lost were the things I did not need.  That is how to deal with this so I don't go insane. But I am noticing other things that were lost, history, names of historical figures, geography.  They say that the one thing that can never be stripped from you is your knowledge I am living proof that is a false statement.  Everything that you have, everything that you are CAN be taken away.
 I am NOT strong, none of us are; we just do like you, just trying to cope with this.  I am still figuring out how.
By rereading this blog it looks and sounds like I am begging for sympathy, when what I am actually saying is just give me ideas on how to cope.  Help me. I will be strong of spirit again and I am working on being physically strong again as well.

But if life doesn't challenge you, you are doing it wrong.

The amazing walk

So yesterday was an emotional day for us.  We went to the brain tumor walk.  To all of you that donated Team AJG raised a whopping sum of over $2000.  Thank you so much for your support I could not keep on going if it weren't for all the dear precious people that are there for me day or night, not to mention the prayers.
So yesterday was amazing to see all the people that got up early and braved the frigid temps just to support us.  It was stunning when all of us went up to the front and got our picture taken I was looking out into the crowd (which was massive 2000 strong at least)  I was overwhelmed with such emotion that I could not talk about it without starting to cry.  I was speechless and still am speechless. The support and will to live is so strong in all of us.  And we would not be alive without YOU.  So the next time you think of a cancer patient as an inspiration Please take a look in the mirror. Without your support we would definitely be dead.  So give yourself credit.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!

The Joys of Chemo

So chemo sux.  I assume all of you know the rep chemo has.
But what they don't put emphasis on is teeth  well they mentioned it but I did not heed them I had other things on my mind, like surviving.

Any way dry mouth is crappy side effect.  I have to have a second root canal on Tuesday. Bledsoe said "This one is on the house because you have so much on your plate"   Of all the things to get for free...  I don't like tools put in my mouth.

So word of warning to others.  Take care of your teeth before you start chemo because once you start having problems and go to the dentist it is already too little too late.

happy and afraid

If you have this disease you can relate.  Even though I had a clean (dormant tumor cells) MRI I can't help but have a twinge o anxiety when I get a headache.  Not only that, but I have a bone crushing wave of terror wash through me when I get a Sudden BAD headache.  Am I foolish to want another MRI now?  I mean in the beginning it grew 50% in a month  1 month and I had to have major surgery quickly so I would not die. 
I cannot wrap my head around this.  They changed my meds and Pam says I have PTSD from the experience.  She says it is normal but that doesn't stop me from being scared out of my mind. 

I am home with the dogs all day long.  Yesterday I slept for 20 hrs.  That scares me because the One thing everyone who has dealt with this disease has said is when it grows and hits something vital in your brain you will start sleeping ALOT.  I am so tired all the time. The doctors are hopeful that snarla will stay dormant forever, but that is simply a good front to make me feel better about actively dying.

To those of you that are used to me being cheery and funny in this blog I am deeply sorry.  This is how I feel and I have to get it out otherwise I will stew on it and eventually crack.

I have been thinking about people in my past from Ky and Ga and I am sorry to say that I am deeply ashamed of how I acted.  I never had any self control and I pissed people off all the time because I was angry about mom.  Dad said when I was little I would find out what someone HATED and do it over and over again until they gave up on me.  Now I really need support and I don't easily accept it because I was raised to never take anything from anyone.  Connie V tried to break me of this...unsuccessfully.  I don't mean to shun you for being nice to me.  It is just that I am so used to criticism. When I was diagnosed with this everyone changed their tune.  A 180  and it confused me.

I am working on not telling everyone everything.  I am just now realizing it is massively inappropriate. 

Bottom line I am terrified that snarla will wake up and quickly take me out quickly.  I wish she was on the right side of my brain. But she is nasty and mean as a snake.