It is alright

     I have been asked to recount my "Journey down the rabbit hole" for MD Anderson.  I knew I had forgotten important things, so I asked my family for what they remembered and thank god I did. All of this was blocked out because it was just to painful for my psyche to deal with. I poked the sleeping dog instead of letting it lie and now it is all coming back and allowing me to get closure.  Closure on the fact that it happened, I fought like hell and that is why I am still here.
   
     Never settle for a bad outcome.  Shop around until you find a doc that you love and trust enough to put your life in his or her hands because with all surgery, especially brain surgery they will have you life in their hand.  It is SO incredibly important for the journey to begin with trust and faith.

     Snarla was sneaky, when the docs first checked us (The team of Ange and Snarla) out their initial prognosis was that she was non-aggressive, but in a very bad spot.  I started listening to my body and kept on badgering while they symptoms got worse.  She was growing and I knew it.  None of my docs were incompetent, but they were mistaken about the tenacity of Snarla.
 
 Thats it for now.  I'll be back, you've been warned.
Toodles!

Remission

Alright, I know it has been a very long time since I posted.
Just wanted to let everyone know I am alright and thankfully in remission or so my radio-oncologist says.

The above is how I look now. That was taken on my 3rd wedding anniversary.  In 09 I was not sure I would have a 2nd anniversary much less a third.
     Cancer teaches us invaluable lessons that I now live by.  Don't procrastinate you never know when something bad is going to happen.  Live each day as if it is your last and laugh at the things that irritate you because you cannot change them.  Accept that some people will get tired of listening to you and tell you to stop talking about your experience.  Tell people how you feel about them and always end a conversation with the ones you love with "I love you" because we are all in the hands of God.
     I just recently had a good friend that told me to stop talking about it because it is not who I am.  I replied, "The cancer shaped me into who I am now.  So I will tell my story to anyone that will listen because I don't know what they are going through but, it may help them deal with their own problems.  It is like the butterfly effect."
 
   

The heartbreak of Betrayal

Hello,
     I know I haven't posted in a while.  I have nothing to say.  But a friend recently walked into my life. Reminding me of this.
As in cancer relationships have to be mourned as well.  Many many many times over again.  We all deal with grief in different ways but it always ends up the same.  YOU WILL BE FINE.  This I promise you.  Time heals all wounds.  The threat of a horrible possibly fatal disease, loss of a spouse, family member or the like.
     No matter how you feel about it you must go through the grief stages.  in not neccisarily this order. Anger, Deppression, Bargaining, Denial and finally ACCEPTANCE.  the last one you will feel and think you are done just as soon as something comes along and hits you like a tsunami.  You get knocked right back to the beginning again.  I believe this is normal.  I have had ALOT of loss in my life.  Too much for my 30 years.  But the great creator or whoever holds the strings on us will never give you more than you can handle and never ever lets you be totally alone to deal with the trauma.
    Without my sisters, husband, parents and extended family I would not have lived this long.  The emotional support they provide is invaluable.  When true friends and family are suffering they will never let you go,  just DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!  Again I am going to quote CV  "YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!  EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN"

  Just look around you and accept the help.  everyone needs a little (or alot) of help sometimes.  Be it physical like helping someone get dressed or emotional like helping someone get through a deep betrayal.

what helps

During my journey I have several helpful things.  The first one, my friend Paul (6 times cancer survivor) he told me I had to make "friends" with my tumor.  I did and I named her Snarla, now I call her my homicidal child. 
Second: get a full body massage.  Cancer is STRESSFUL so get those knots worked out.  I just got back from a massage and I realize not that I should have done it WAY earlier.  I had like 80 knots (no exaggeration). George said I needed it badly.

 Keep your mind and body busy.  I do danceaton and poker.  DON'T withdraw from society.  I know that is the easiest thing to do.  Cancer makes you depressed as hell and if you let it get you you're gonna shave time off your life.  Find something you love to do and do that.  When you get bored try out new things.  You never know what you like if you don't try.

 Cancer is an eye opening and heartbreaking experience.  As I've said before none cancery people just don't understand that we have to come to terms with our death.  They will tell you that we are all gonna die, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow, I could have a heart attack later today blah blah blah.  They are saying it with the BEST intentions but they DO NOT understand what it is to accept you fate.  Even cancer patients are not all at the acceptance stage.  Hell I am in now way accepting because once you accept it that means you've given up the fight.  I have come terms with what will happen everyone says it won't, but I go by what the doctor says.  That Snarla will come back it is just a matter of time.

I reconnected with an old friend a few weeks ago. I love him and he is my Rome Rock.  He told me he went to Dads house to tell him that I have his support.  Dad never told me.  But I guess he thought I didn't need to know.  Ummm tip, when someone gives support for your loved one with cancer NEVER hold it back.  I didn't even know that he knew about my illness.  I was trying desperately to get back in touch with him.  But I guess I cannot hold it against my father. 

 Also let go of grudges they are petty and not worth taking to your grave.  You will be much less stressed if you learn to forgive.  Benton Nelson taught me that and he gave me a card that I carry with me all the time to remember to forgive people.  Most of them will misunderstand you telling your story for begging for sympathy.  However it is super cathartic to tell people about it and they in turn will tell you if they know someone in your situation or close to it.  I have met people with relatives that have brain, breast, and colon.  YOU can be a resource for these scared families.  Because make NO mistake Cancer is FUCKING SCARY.  It is like the monster under the bed that your parents could never find.  It is always lurking in the shadows.  So if someone is hateful to you about your story (probably won't happen) just think of the fear.  Cancer doesn't discriminate in age, race, gender, religious views. 

I am not trying to be the big bad wolf here but.... Don't Take Life For Granted!!!!!

Milestones

I made it to the big 30.  For most people this is no big deal but for me it is.  2 years ago I wasn't so sure I was gonna make it here.  Only by the grace of God, the surgeons, my team of doctors, and several friends who came out the woodwork, did I make it here.

     I cannot express my gratitude enough.  Dr. Lang did a beautiful job.  I got an xray of my skull yesterday, it is so cool looking.  I have these little round fasteners thingys on the place where they cut my skull for the operation.  4 of them, they look like little flowers.  Round with pins.  I could see clearly where he cut my skull and when I rub my head I can only feel the crack in one place.  When I cracked myself in the head with my car door 3 months ago it formed a lump.  I asked my doctor to feel the lump and she sent me for an xray.  From what I could see as she explained it to me, the door hit squarely on the crack in my skull which in turn healed but left a calcification on top of my head.  Great, I thought just what I need... another bump on my head.  HAHA

    My father sent me a card that said "What a millstone (Pun intended)"  I am sad to say I didn't get the joke.  I had to ask Fran.  Now I know that millstone means a significant mark in time, a round number.  I understand what it mean but cannot explain to anyone else accurately.  That is what radiation does.

   Anyway, I am going to lunch now (a salad) because Texas de Brazil tnt.
 
    
     

cancer and dreams

   So with the cancer and radiation damage comes memory loss and forgetfulness. I am not talking about forgetting birthdays here.  I am talking about how to do basic thing like tying shoes and turning on lights and such.  I even lost what comes after T in the ABC's.  It really makes me feel like dumb ass.  I repeat things over and over again and no one has the heart to tell me, "you said that already."  It is good they don't because that would embarrass me to the core.  I am eternally grateful.  I have twitches now, more persistent than they were before the surgery.  Blah blah blah I want some cheese with my whine.  I am still here and other people are not, so that makes me one of the lucky ones right?  I am still fumbling around trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  If I can't even help myself right now there is no way that I can help anyone else.   

Last night I had a dream about a person from my past.  She changed my life for the better.  She told me if a child has a horrible childhood it only takes one person to reach out and save them.  She was the one person who told me I had some awesome strength, I took that to mean I can freely get out of any situation and get through anything.  The thing that she said to me the most was You CAN do it.  One time she wrote me an email and the bulk of it was you can do it over and over again,  then if you ever think you can't just remember YOU CAN DO IT!!!
  I loved her like a mother but I had to her behind because my path of life took me a different place.  She was the one that told me Life can take you unexpected places.  After I left she said I was dead to her.  That shattered me.  I was hurt for a LONG time and I just started to heal, then I had a Dream about her in the dream I told her I was sorry for leaving her, not the situation but HER.  I asked her if she would ever move to Texas, she said that she couldn't because of all the storms.  I said they never hit us in Dallas.  I don't know why but she touched my soul. 
     She was there when I had no one in the world.  I still love her and always will.

Searching for people and strength

I have been searching for people from my high school on Facebook.  Graham Cooke who is Canadian and would be about 29 or 30 today, K.C. Fellows (Kelly Christian) again my age.   Kyle W who was a gaming buddy.

      But I guess God lets people drift through our lives when we need them and out when we have learned everything we can from them.  He leaves it to our free will, but helps us heal when we leave a bad or poisonous relationship.  Most of the people you meet that have a profound impact on your life, you will never see again.  I know for a fact that I will never see Hope again, she saved my life once, at 11 I came very close to drowning in a river that we were tubing in A guy saved me by swimming under the water in the rushing current and yanking me up because I was about to get caught under a log. Which would have meant a certain death.  I can't even remember his name, and I owe him my life.    I have been saved from death so many times and then I saved myself.  But I don't consider myself very lucky or unlucky or even exceptional.  I think it is normal for this fragile life to almost be taken away from us and for people to haul us back from the brink. 

    I like to believe that death will stop trying to take me for a little while.  Because I am proving to be a tough cookie.