Tumorland adventures

The heartbreak of Betrayal

2011-09-30T17:46:00.000-05:00

Hello,
     I know I haven't posted in a while. I have nothing to say. But a friend recently walked into my life. Reminding me of this.
As in cancer relationships have to be mourned as well. Many many many times over again. We all deal with grief in different ways but it always ends up the same. YOU WILL BE FINE. This I promise you. Time heals all wounds. The threat of a horrible possibly fatal disease, loss of a spouse, family member or the like.
     No matter how you feel about it you must go through the grief stages. in not neccisarily this order. Anger, Deppression, Bargaining, Denial and finally ACCEPTANCE. the last one you will feel and think you are done just as soon as something comes along and hits you like a tsunami. You get knocked right back to the beginning again. I believe this is normal. I have had ALOT of loss in my life. Too much for my 30 years. But the great creator or whoever holds the strings on us will never give you more than you can handle and never ever lets you be totally alone to deal with the trauma.
    Without my sisters, husband, parents and extended family I would not have lived this long. The emotional support they provide is invaluable. When true friends and family are suffering they will never let you go, just DO NOT GIVE UP!!!! Again I am going to quote CV "YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN"

Just look around you and accept the help. everyone needs a little (or alot) of help sometimes. Be it physical like helping someone get dressed or emotional like helping someone get through a deep betrayal.

what helps

2011-08-26T12:29:00.000-05:00

During my journey I have several helpful things. The first one, my friend Paul (6 times cancer survivor) he told me I had to make "friends" with my tumor. I did and I named her Snarla, now I call her my homicidal child.
Second: get a full body massage. Cancer is STRESSFUL so get those knots worked out. I just got back from a massage and I realize not that I should have done it WAY earlier. I had like 80 knots (no exaggeration). George said I needed it badly.

Keep your mind and body busy. I do danceaton and poker. DON'T withdraw from society. I know that is the easiest thing to do. Cancer makes you depressed as hell and if you let it get you you're gonna shave time off your life. Find something you love to do and do that. When you get bored try out new things. You never know what you like if you don't try.

Cancer is an eye opening and heartbreaking experience. As I've said before none cancery people just don't understand that we have to come to terms with our death. They will tell you that we are all gonna die, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow, I could have a heart attack later today blah blah blah. They are saying it with the BEST intentions but they DO NOT understand what it is to accept you fate. Even cancer patients are not all at the acceptance stage. Hell I am in now way accepting because once you accept it that means you've given up the fight. I have come terms with what will happen everyone says it won't, but I go by what the doctor says. That Snarla will come back it is just a matter of time.

I reconnected with an old friend a few weeks ago. I love him and he is my Rome Rock. He told me he went to Dads house to tell him that I have his support. Dad never told me. But I guess he thought I didn't need to know. Ummm tip, when someone gives support for your loved one with cancer NEVER hold it back. I didn't even know that he knew about my illness. I was trying desperately to get back in touch with him. But I guess I cannot hold it against my father.

Also let go of grudges they are petty and not worth taking to your grave. You will be much less stressed if you learn to forgive. Benton Nelson taught me that and he gave me a card that I carry with me all the time to remember to forgive people. Most of them will misunderstand you telling your story for begging for sympathy. However it is super cathartic to tell people about it and they in turn will tell you if they know someone in your situation or close to it. I have met people with relatives that have brain, breast, and colon. YOU can be a resource for these scared families. Because make NO mistake Cancer is FUCKING SCARY. It is like the monster under the bed that your parents could never find. It is always lurking in the shadows. So if someone is hateful to you about your story (probably won't happen) just think of the fear. Cancer doesn't discriminate in age, race, gender, religious views.

I am not trying to be the big bad wolf here but.... Don't Take Life For Granted!!!!!

Milestones

2011-07-13T11:45:00.000-05:00

I made it to the big 30. For most people this is no big deal but for me it is. 2 years ago I wasn't so sure I was gonna make it here. Only by the grace of God, the surgeons, my team of doctors, and several friends who came out the woodwork, did I make it here.

     I cannot express my gratitude enough. Dr. Lang did a beautiful job. I got an xray of my skull yesterday, it is so cool looking. I have these little round fasteners thingys on the place where they cut my skull for the operation. 4 of them, they look like little flowers. Round with pins. I could see clearly where he cut my skull and when I rub my head I can only feel the crack in one place. When I cracked myself in the head with my car door 3 months ago it formed a lump. I asked my doctor to feel the lump and she sent me for an xray. From what I could see as she explained it to me, the door hit squarely on the crack in my skull which in turn healed but left a calcification on top of my head. Great, I thought just what I need... another bump on my head. HAHA

My father sent me a card that said "What a millstone (Pun intended)" I am sad to say I didn't get the joke. I had to ask Fran. Now I know that millstone means a significant mark in time, a round number. I understand what it mean but cannot explain to anyone else accurately. That is what radiation does.

   Anyway, I am going to lunch now (a salad) because Texas de Brazil tnt.

cancer and dreams

2011-07-04T15:29:00.000-05:00

So with the cancer and radiation damage comes memory loss and forgetfulness. I am not talking about forgetting birthdays here. I am talking about how to do basic thing like tying shoes and turning on lights and such. I even lost what comes after T in the ABC's. It really makes me feel like dumb ass. I repeat things over and over again and no one has the heart to tell me, "you said that already." It is good they don't because that would embarrass me to the core. I am eternally grateful. I have twitches now, more persistent than they were before the surgery. Blah blah blah I want some cheese with my whine. I am still here and other people are not, so that makes me one of the lucky ones right? I am still fumbling around trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. If I can't even help myself right now there is no way that I can help anyone else.

Last night I had a dream about a person from my past. She changed my life for the better. She told me if a child has a horrible childhood it only takes one person to reach out and save them. She was the one person who told me I had some awesome strength, I took that to mean I can freely get out of any situation and get through anything. The thing that she said to me the most was You CAN do it. One time she wrote me an email and the bulk of it was you can do it over and over again, then if you ever think you can't just remember YOU CAN DO IT!!!
I loved her like a mother but I had to her behind because my path of life took me a different place. She was the one that told me Life can take you unexpected places. After I left she said I was dead to her. That shattered me. I was hurt for a LONG time and I just started to heal, then I had a Dream about her in the dream I told her I was sorry for leaving her, not the situation but HER. I asked her if she would ever move to Texas, she said that she couldn't because of all the storms. I said they never hit us in Dallas. I don't know why but she touched my soul.
She was there when I had no one in the world. I still love her and always will.

Searching for people and strength

2011-07-01T16:46:00.000-05:00

I have been searching for people from my high school on Facebook. Graham Cooke who is Canadian and would be about 29 or 30 today, K.C. Fellows (Kelly Christian) again my age.   Kyle W who was a gaming buddy.

      But I guess God lets people drift through our lives when we need them and out when we have learned everything we can from them. He leaves it to our free will, but helps us heal when we leave a bad or poisonous relationship. Most of the people you meet that have a profound impact on your life, you will never see again. I know for a fact that I will never see Hope again, she saved my life once, at 11 I came very close to drowning in a river that we were tubing in A guy saved me by swimming under the water in the rushing current and yanking me up because I was about to get caught under a log. Which would have meant a certain death. I can't even remember his name, and I owe him my life.    I have been saved from death so many times and then I saved myself. But I don't consider myself very lucky or unlucky or even exceptional. I think it is normal for this fragile life to almost be taken away from us and for people to haul us back from the brink.

    I like to believe that death will stop trying to take me for a little while. Because I am proving to be a tough cookie.

Cracked elbows and cancer info

2011-06-28T15:30:00.001-05:00

     I have worked with horses since I was 19. I dealt with everything from Crazy ass racehorses, to sweet old retired brood mares. I have been kicked in the head, thrown into a wall, kicked in the hip, been drug through the gravel by a foal (thanks Rab, now Kanu), all that and NEVER broken or cracked anything....
     That is until Friday June 11, 2011. I was riding a 25 yr old gelding who was feeling particularly lazy thus was dragging his hooves (long in the feet), I was staying on just fine when he tripped 4 times prior. Then he stumbled and I fell off, right onto my elbow, cracking my radial head. In my mind I called him a stupid heffer. What came out of my mouth was a shocked and very shaken up, "He stumbled". Alas as any good rider knows you have to get right back up there or else you will lose your nerve and be scared the rest of your life. Now I have cancer and if Snarla did not scare me, I am damn sure not going to let a little fall scare me. Everyone tells me what I already know: People DIE from falling off horses. DUH I know that. Hell I worked with theses big ole giants. I also know the safest place for you is on the back of a horse. Be calm and don't make loud sudden noises and you won't get stomped or kicked. Now if your horses is attacked by bees Just hold on tight (Speaking from experience) I was riding on a horse packing trip when my horse got stung by several bees at once, she reared then bucked and stopped. By the grace of God I stayed on her back.

   Someone who shall remain nameless said, "Horses are dangerous. Just look at what happened to Michale Reeves." Ok I did not have the heart to point out the astonishing number of differences there.
    1. He was jumping.
                 I am not alowed nor would I ever (without proper training) ever attempt a jump on a horse that I did not know or had not ridden before

     2. Michael Reeves probably did something drastically wrong with his body which caused the horse to shy and him to fly off over the horses head and land on his neck
                   I know how to fall when its off of a horse. Tuck your shoulder and roll. However because he STUMBLED i.e. almost went to his knees mid canter I had no space to tuck, I did roll though. I didn't go over his head I went off the side.

    Yes accidents happen but I don't need or want anyone telling me what I obviously already know. My father for instance just said, "you do realize that people fall of horses and die." I know they are worried about me and I appreciate that so much. But what I don't appreciate is when someone makes a left field comment about something that is TOTALLY unrelated to me situation. Like a JUMPING accident when I DON'T jump horses. If you ride correctly there is nothing to worry about. Just keep your weight IN the stirrups, don't get left behind, don't ride a horse that is too advanced for you make sure your tack is on correctly..... and so and so forth.

     Anywho, I will come down off my soapbox now.
   Who wants to know about my MRI??!!!! Me, me, I do, I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was good. Though the radiation damage is causing short term memory loss. Example: Yesterday I went to the stables to pay for next session and they got 2 new horses. After being told 3 times what their names were, I finally remembered them like this, "there's a CHANCE you're gonna be JAZZY" I was told I wasn't the first to fall off Jax. I hope I will be one of the last though, he earned his retirement.

now on to the cancer stuff. we as cancer patient are stronger than people that have never had cancer. Our caregivers are some of the strongest people in the world. That doesn't make us better it just makes us different. For those of you that are new to cancer or caring for someone with cancer, my heart goes out to you. I am going to say to you the words that got me through my ordeal.
Just remember, You CAN do it you can do it you can it. and then when think you cannot go on YOU CAN DO IT. Never ever give up.

A friend asked me to post this

Cancer Support Programs

It is no secret that when a person has cancer, is in remission, or has survived cancer that they are looking for support any way they can get it. Many patients with terminal cancers such as mesothelioma credit their family and friend's support for helping them get through the hard times. Treatment is hard and a supportive person can make things a little bit easier. There are many resources for cancer survivors and patients; one includes support networks and programs. According to Cancer.org, support groups "provide comfort, teach coping skills, help reduce anxiety, and provide a place for people to share common concerns and emotional support."

It may not be easy for a person to share their feelings and emotions with someone who has not experienced what they have. Support groups meet to discuss everyone's concerns and emotions. It can make some people stronger because the people they are sitting and talking with know what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. Stress and anxiety can be reduced and the quality of life in a person can improve through a cancer support groups. There are thousands of support groups found around the United States, and the physician treating the patient is sure to give them those resources.

The difference between a group therapy and a support group is who is leading the group. Cancer survivors, group members or professionals may lead a support group, but licensed counselors lead group therapies. There are many different types of support groups. However, no matter which support group you decide to choose, it is important to find one as soon as a mesothelioma prognosis is given. A cancer diagnosis is hard news to take, and it would be beneficial to that person to get a head's up on the road in front of them from people who have been there. Cancer survivors or people in remission have the most knowledge to give.

Studies and evidence have proven that support groups help people feel less lonely or helpless. They can move forward with their diagnosis and treatment when they have the support of people just like them. Nobody is perfect therefore support from people going through or who have gone through the same thing can reduce tension, anger and confusion. Medication schedules are more likely to be followed when a cancer patient has support from their group. Many programs and networks help patients to fight the cancer and become survivors. If anything, quality of life is guaranteed to get better after the prognosis of cancer and treatment plan.

Support groups are crucial to the health of cancer patients and survivors. While medication and chemotherapy work on the physical aspect of the body, cancer support groups work on creating a positive mental attitude. Cancer support groups can help people to accept, cope and deal with their feelings around people who understand. Nobody is prepared for tragedy to strike when receiving an unfavorable prognosis, but it can be easier to cope when there is support provided.

By: David Haas

Remember You are not a bald freak. You wear your bald head or scars as marks of a warrior that has stared death in the face and spat in its eye.

Life goes on (even if you don't want it to)

2011-06-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

     I know what you are thinking... The title of the blog, is she depressed? No. It is just a fact of life that we have to go on living even when our world seems torn apart. I have taken up working out. I tried pilates, hated it, tried spin, hated it. So I tried zumba and I LOVED it. I was soaking with sweat and stunk when it was over, but hey that's what showers are for. I went to cardio dance party, I liked that even more than Zumba. The problem is they don't offer them every day so some days I walk the dogs down Preston Ridge Trail.
     I never believed people when they said getting a workout would make you feel better. But they were right. However today I was a lazy bum. I sat on my laurels all day, slept from 10-12. made lunch of a salad, slept from 2-4. Walked dogs then made dinner.

     Mike's parents are coming in town this Thursday. I have a riding lesson Friday at 330. Therefore if they want to come to that they are welcome. Tuesday Evening at 615 I take Indy to her agility class. But I have NO idea what they are going to want to do. I am making moist pork loin with rice and broccolli, Cornish game hens, Turkey shepherds pie, and something else that I haven't decided yet.

     I have an MRI on the 21st and an appointment for the results on the 23. No worries little miss Snarla is still asleep. If she is not I will just BEAT HER ASS BACK INTO SUBMISSION. I do not want to do any more surgery, also no more radiation but if they insist on radiation I will comply. Chemo is no big deal for me. I feel massive empathy for the people that chemo hits much harder. Mine isn't the I.V. it is just 3 pills I take in the morning.

     So every day I look up and see Grandaddys' flag and am reminded of just how lucky we are. I was chopping green onions and was struck by a memory of him. He had a toothache and I was trying my best to get him to take some meds for it, He did not want to and called me a "Bossy lady". I got my feelings hurt so I went out to the yard and started pulling green onions out. When Dad came to pick me up I reeked of onions and after washing my hands 3 times I still couldn't get the smell off. He was right I am a "Bossy Lady" and proud of it. I used to get run over all the time not anymore.

     We got a new Blu-Ray player!!!!! The old one was just messed up, it cut in and out and the last straw was when we were watching Megamind and it got stuck. We were going to get a new one that weekend but before we could Grandaddy passed. So two weeks later we went to Best buy and picked up a new one. Now you would think that the new one would work...No. After 3 trips back to Best Buy we finally got one that worked. Michael was going to return it too but he figured out how to work it the next morning. Now you may be thinking "Isn't Michael an ENGINEER?" Yes he is but he is an Senior RF Engineer that deals with cell signals, not blu-ray players. Excuses, excuses right?

     People are complaining it is sooo Hot. To that I say Just wait until August. I will be a hermit by then. Only going out in the morning and to the gym. Humans are just not equipped for a sudden transition from 70s to 90s.

     I seem to have forgotten all the punctuation lessons from grade school. I am afraid I am never going to get a job and my paintings aren't selling. So I have to either stop painting or give them away. Nobody has any money for frivolous purchases such as paintings. Albeit some of the proceeds got to Brain tumor research but I will be taking a loss when shipping them. Any ideas? One solution is to take them to the Grey Matters meetings and let the other brain tumor survivors pick and choose what they want for free. I also am afraid that I will take them an no one will want them. I have been hanging them up in the guest bedroom. I put nail holes in the walls everywhere and now I am trying to cover up the damage by putting nails in the holes and hanging the paintings. NO NEW nail holes. But a big thank you to Bob V for teaching me how to hammer correctly. I haven't smashed my thumb...yet.

     Until next time.....

stories about Sam

2011-06-06T12:04:00.004-05:00

GUEST COLUMN: Rome medical community loses giant of a man

by Jack Runninger

14 hrs ago | 80 views | 0 | 1 | |

HIS PATIENTS knew the late Dr. Sam Garner as a gentle, patient, loving, and caring physician. I never knew a single one of his patients who didn’t love him.

“I cried my eyes out when he retired,” my friend Charlotte Jones told me. “He was always there for you, and insisted you call him even at night and on weekends if you needed him. My husband Larry heard him jokingly answer a stranger who had asked him if he was a doctor, ‘Yes, and a damned good one, too!’

And he really was!!”

Many of these patients didn’t realize that he could also be a real character.

Much of everyone’s life is, of course, shaped by the heredity and environment of their family. Undoubtedly Sam inherited many of his father’s traits. Also a physician in Rome, his father was also noted as a great and good man, but one you didn’t cross.

His office was above Enloe’s drug store on the corner of Broad Street and Second Avenue. During a renovation the entrance door got hung backwards, resulting in the door being locked from the outside.

“Mr. Bradford, this damn door is locked, and I can’t get out,” he phoned to the pharmacist downstairs. “Send Willie up with the key.” Things got real busy about then, and Mr. Bradford forgot to send Willie.

“No need to send Willie,” Dr. Garner phoned an hour later. “I took a 2 X 4 and knocked the damn door down!” And he had!

SAM EVIDENTLY also inherited some of his deviltry and toughness from his father. His nephew, local CPA Ben Whittington, says Sam was the “enforcer” at Neely school when he was a child. “If any kid needed a whoopin’, Sam was the one delegated to do it.”

This and his sense of fairness and justice later got him in trouble when he was attending Wake Forest U. A large, tough, and strong football player often bullied other students. He made the mistake of jamming Sam’s face down into a drinking fountain from which Sam was drinking, breaking a couple of teeth.

Sam went seeking him to retaliate. When he found him, he broke a stick across his jaw. For this he was kicked out of Wake Forest, and then transferred to the University of Georgia.

Other stories related to me by Whittington about Dr. Garner include:

When Sam was a young boy, the family had a cow who always followed Sam like a pet dog. He would get the cow to follow him into the house and follow him upstairs. From an upstairs window, Sam would leap out the window onto the roof of an outbuilding, and from there to the garden below to soften the landing. Trustingly, the cow would follow.

His father came home one evening, and was dumbfounded to see his cow hurtling through space and into his garden. His only comment was, “No damn wonder my canna lilies don’t grow!”

YOU HAD TO BE CAREFUL playing tricks on Sam, because he was good at getting even. As a joke a female friend turned two rabbits loose in his office one weekend. Later the lady brought her 16- year-old daughter to Sam for examination.

After the exam, he returned to the reception area and announced to her mother that the girl was pregnant. The momma about had a heart attack, until Sam said, “April fool.”

And I found he was quick on the comeback as well. He and dentist Dr. Bob Woodruff were good friends and always played golf together. They were fierce competitors, and hated to lose, despite the fact they were both lousy golfers and their betting stakes were a Coke.

One day I was in the group waiting as he and Bob teed off on the first hole.

Sam hooked his drive so badly, it ended up on the parallel 10th hole on the back nine, which was closed for repairs.

“Hey, Sam,” I gleefully shouted. “The back nine is closed.”

“I know it and I wish your mouth was, too,” he one-upped me.

SAM IDOLIZED his older brother Geston. Like Sam he also never lost a fight, and was very intelligent and clever, and thus Sam was very disappointed over the fact that when Geston was about 13 years old, he would always lose in wrestling matches with a gal named Marjorie. The girl was well developed, but not all that strong. Yet she always won.

“Why do you let that girl beat you like that?” a disappointed Sam asked his brother.

“Because,” replied Geston with a sly grin, “if I beat her she won’t agree to wrestle me any more.”

Sam first “prescribed” medication when he was about 10 years old. He found some Ex-Lax among his father’s drug samples, and after removing the wrappers gave it all to a friend as chocolate candy. The boy got five demerits for hiding in the school basement all day.

“I see lots of doctors every day,” a security guard at Floyd Hospital once told me. “Some of them act mighty biggety, like they think they’re better than anyone else.”

The exact opposite of Sam!!

MORE THAN anything else I will remember Sam as a great and highly successful person and physician with a marvelous sense of humor, who was a really nice guy, and never conceited or “biggety.”

Jack Runninger of Rome is a retired optometrist and state and national award-winning humor columnist and co-author of “Fixing Stupid—Two Curmudgeons’ Pet Peeves.” Readers may contact him at runningerj@comcast.net

another blog to Dr. Samuel Garner Jr

2011-05-24T16:22:00.002-05:00

James Samuel Garner, Jr.

Date of Birth:

Thursday, February 14th, 1918

Date of Death:

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

Funeral Home:

Miller & Richards Funeral Home and Cremation Service Heritage Chapel

1148 North Broad Street

2542 Shorter Ave.

Rome, Georgia, UNITED STATES

30161

Obituary:

Dr. James Samuel Sam Garner Jr.
Dr. James Samuel Sam Garner Jr died on May 18, 2011 at the age of 93. He was born in Floyd County, GA February 14, 1918 and was the son of Dr. James Samuel Garner, Sr and Bonnie Wimpee Garner. Dr. Garner survived his first wife Alice Tate Garner and second wife Betty Hyden Garner.
He is survived by his children Marcia Tate Garner Andrews and her husband Charles Reneau Andrews III of Cumming, GA; John Geston Garner and his wife Bob Ann Allen Garner of Rome; Beth Garner Tibboel and her husband Keith of Charleston, SC. He was predeceased by his daughter Lynne Garner Jordan and his son James Samuel Garner III, and by two grandchildren Allison Ann Garner and James Allen Garner.
He is also survived by family members Ben and Mary Margaret Whittington, Dr. and Mrs. Pope Jordan, and Mrs. Cheryl Garner of Rome, Debbie and John Turner and Bill Hyden of Trion.Dr. Garners grandchildren are Alicia Haff, Laura Baker, Amy Scott, Andrea Garramone, Garner Andrews, Lynne Brons, Betsey Andrews, Margaret Chind, Ches Garner, and Sam Garner. His great grandchildren are Polly and Peter Haff,; Hudson, Truitt and Georgia Baker; Lindsey, Peyton, and Tate Andrews; Edmund, Tess Charlize, Jack, Miriam and Gil Brons and Charlotte Chind.
Dr. Garner attended Wake Forest University and the University of Georgia where he was a Phi Beta Kappa graduate He graduated in December 1943 from Emory University School of Medicine and honorably served in the United States Navy with the Marines in the 2nd Expeditionary Force in the Pacific during World War II. He served again in the Korean War. Dr. Garner was a well loved physician practicing in Rome, GA for over 40 years. He was the author of a popular geneaology work titled Southern Garners, Our Branch of the Garner-Keene Family and of an anecdotal autobiography titled Something Hit The Cotton. He will be sorely missed by those whose lives he enriched.
Visitation will be at the Miller-Richards Heritage Chapel Friday evening from 6 until 8 PM . A Celebration of Life will be conducted at 10 AM Saturday, May 21,2011 at the Miller Richards Heritage Chapel. Private interment will follow at Sunset Hill Memory Garden. Please visit our website www.millerandrichardsfuneralhome.com to sign the guestbook and share memories.
In lieu of flowers donations may be made to the Salvation Army, 317 East First Avenue Rome GA 30161 or the Heyman HospiceCare P.O. Box 163 Rome, GA 30162.
The Heritage Chapel of the Miller Richards Funeral Home, 1148 North Broad Street, Rome GA is serving the family of Dr. James Samuel Sam Garner, Jr.

practice

2011-05-24T07:30:00.001-05:00

no picture

Nobody is perfect

2011-05-24T07:17:00.000-05:00

     No one is perfect all the time. Even my wonderful, loyal and sweet husband. I say this because at 3 am this morning I was WOKEN up by a soft voice saying, "The Mavs won, I wish I'd seen it." He turned the game off when the Mavs were down 15 with 5 minutes left. At that point I didn't care. I was pissed that he had woken me up with this USELESS information. When I found out what time it was he went and slept on the couch. He is currently hoping they will replay the entire 5 minutes. For those of that don't know me, I have significant trouble sleeping and when I do get to sleep it is a very light sleep. Anyone that dares to wake me up will face the wrath of a grumpy fussy Andrea.
     At this point I would like to get heavy red and gold curtains for the guest bedroom so I can sleep in there when Mike gets annoying. I want to tell all of the married people out their to have an extra, dark, QUIET place in case your partner decides to idiotically wake you up. Mike has been forgiven and is out of danger. He is happy because he is seeing the game that he missed. I am fine because he went to the couch of his own volition... what a smart man. I have never kicked him out of bed before. He will kick himself out of bed for minor infractions and I will tell him to please sleep in our bed. He had no such luck last night.

   My grandfathers flag is on top of the bookcase in the living room. That is where we spend most of our time and entertain guests. I am very proud of the flag.

Definitions

2011-05-23T07:33:00.000-05:00

I was Not humbled to receive his flag. I was honored. I used to not make a habit of using words that I apparently did not know the meaning of. However since the surgery I have forgotten what several words mean, much to my dismay.   I looked like a fool I tell you a FOOL!!!
   Oh heavens, I sent out thank you cards maybe I can intercept them before they go out. I hope I can.   Not humbled HONORED HONORED HONORED.
      I am such an Idiot!!!
If I could go back to 3rd grade I would because I need to relearn that stuff.

Something hit the cotton requests

2011-05-22T12:02:00.000-05:00

I have recently received requests for copies of Dr. Sam Garners' humorous autobiographical sketches. It is an unpublished "book" of his years during the depression and wars. My aunt has agreed to make copies and send them out to anyone who wants it.

I will be glad to print more copies of "Something Hit the Cotton". To print and mail more I will need to charge $7.50. So have anyone who wants a copy mail a check for $7.50 to address, 6479 Valley Stream Dr. Cumming, GA 30040, made out to The Garner Cemetery Trust.

In addition Grandaddy was the family genealogist. He traced the Garner family line back to the 1600s. It is very informative and he did all the research before the days of internet.

So, if you would like a copy of that:
If anybody other than Daddy's descendants wants a copy of Southern Garners they are $35 which includes shipping. They should send a check to the address listed above made to the Garner Cemetery Trust also. I will send free ones to Daddy's descendants.

Highest Honor

2011-05-22T05:27:00.000-05:00

     Dr. James Samuel Garner Jr. was laid to rest yesterday. I was honored, not to mention stunned when my aunt Mardi (now the matriarchof the family) asked me if I would ride in the Limo to the funeral, I humbly accepted. The funeral was beautiful and Charlies' words were eloquent and touching. It was everything that Grandaddy would have wanted. Charlie made us cry then he made us laugh. Then my cousin stood up and said a prayer, we sang a few hymns and the ceremony closed. However when following Beth behind the casket I saw her wipe a tear away and the emotions swelled. It wasn't a huge loss of my emotions but I cried, (I actually lost it a little) for the first time that day but not the last.

     We followed the casket to the cemetery where Grandaddy was laid to rest beside his one true love and soulmate Grandmamma (Sweet Alice). Garner read the marine poem "Crossing the Bar" which as he said was absolutely perfect. The ceremony was concluded with the folding of the American flag. Grandaddy would have been amused at the fact the marine doing the folding had to stop twice, go back a couple folds, tighten, and refold. The marine then presented Johns' wife, Bobanne with the flag. After the service I was the first to walk up to marines and thank them, it came out as a whisper because I just knew if I tried to speak any louder my voice would crack.

      My aunt Mardi walked up to me with the flag and did something so unexpected it floored me. She said they had discussed it and decided I should have the flag. I was so touched, honored, humbled and shocked that I almost lost it right there in the middle of the cemetery.

     After a visit with the family everyone started to leave. Needless to say it had been a HARD couple of days. I got in the booger mobile (my booger colored rental) and drove to the cemetery. I had to do this for my own sanity. When I got there it was cleaned up and Grandaddy was in the ground. I sat down and let it all out. I try not to cry in public, so I felt safe there at his grave. I told him how much I love him and how I know he will be watching over me....and so on and so forth. I know he was there because I felt him and I actually heard him say "That's enough" I know it sounds CRAZY but that is what happened. He would say "Stop crying, that's enough" As it type I am getting a lump in my throat.

     I cried on the plane so much that my face and eyes burned from the stings of tears. It was a pretty empty flight and I chose a seat in the front by the window, (as private as one can get in a flying tube), I read the eulogy again and cried. Then I read "Something Hit the Cotton" and laughed. But by the time we landed and Mike picked me up I was ready to really let it ALL out. So in the car prior to leaving I shoved the emotional block aside and unabashedly bawled into my husband shirt. After that I felt better. We went to dinner with friends and I brought out "Something Hit the Cotton". Natalie laughed hard at the Calhoun Falls train ride, Paul guffawed at the fact they took a COW through the house and lead her OFF the roof, Adam was intrigued by the fact that I have just as hard a head as my Grandaddy. Which I have to say my hard head had saved my neck more than a few times.

     I woke up after a dream about him. There were no details, just a familiar place. The house that Sam built. Only it was brand new and Grandmamma was there, Grandaddy was young, and they were happy. I reckon that I saw a glimpse of heaven and that gives me comfort because now I know I am going to be fine. Grandaddy is happy again.

     I have been fervently praying for years for him to pass with no pain. I just neglected to pray for the living to not have pain.

     A poem by Mary Elizabeth Frye touched me

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight.
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there — I do not die. ”

Memories

2011-05-20T22:19:00.000-05:00

    When someone dies just know they are at peace an always will be. Never again will they have to deal with the trials and tribulations of life here on this earth. I find comfort in not thinking of it as an ending but as the beginning of a brand new chapter. Unfortunately you will not know what death is like until it happens to you, and then you can't tell anybody about it. I think of that as Gods gotcha moment.
     I have seen a whole lot of people that I don't remember but they remember me. When I look confused the all say "I could never forget you Andrea". I don't know if this is good or bad or a little of both.

Tomorrow is the funeral and Charlie (my uncle) is going to tell stories as a eulogy. Grandaddy was a really funny guy, if you didn't get to meet him read "Something Hit the Cotton" it is a humorous autobiography. My father took a cues from him on boyfriends. He didn't learn their names until they were around for at least 6 months. Then he called them the wrong name on purpose (trying to get a rise out them?) more likely to show them they need to earn his respect. That was hard. Grandaddy did not like being kissed by his grandchildren which seemed a little cold until Dad put it in perspective. He comes home from a long day of dealing with whiny kids, (Being a pediatrician) sit s down outside with a drink and friends trying to shrug the day off and some little snot nose kid come and slobers all over you. I think I respect him for that.

   I remember when I came to 90th birthday as a surprise. I had not seen him move so fast in years. I was flattered. Of course he apparently wore himself out with the effort and gout and had to sit for the rest of the time we were there. I remember his laugh, his hugs, above all his unyielding support. I remember the time he took one of my boyfriends out on the golf cart and showed him around his property. I think he just wanted to get to know him. His name was Joe so Grandaddy called him Marvin or Herbert or Billy.

     When Grandaddy met Michael he immediately called him by his correct name and seemed pleased that I found someone that was not only willing to but excited about sharing the rest of my life with. That day I found out that Grandaddy was scheduled to storm a beach in the war but we dropped a bomb that saved his life. That bomb saved ALL our lives because he did not have children yet. See Told you God has a plan and everything happens for a reason.

prepping for tragedy

2011-05-18T07:32:00.001-05:00

     No matter what, you cannot prepare yourself for a tragedy. I have been bracing myself for this loss for a long time. I cannot stop the hurt, I know this. I used to make myself believe that something horrible happened and I would cry. That was my way of prepping for tragedy. It does not work. No matter what, it causes a fresh hurt, a tear in the soul, an indescribable pain. Only faith and family can get you through the event. If you have been through as much crap as my family has, you get strong or die. You support each other, or watch each other go insane. If you have a strong family unit, one of you can be teetering on the brink of insanity and a family member will pull you back to solid ground. That is a connection that is much greater than friendship, it's blood.

     Cancer is synonymous with death. But none of us get out of life alive. So whats the point of fearing death. We are all mortal, we will all die. When you die it will be as it was before you were born. Out of pain, out of consciousness. Whatever else there is we will not be able to tell our loved ones. They will find solace in their faith, whatever that may be.

     Life is full of twists and turns. Life will take you to places that you never imagined. You will find strength you did not know you had. I look back at my life and realize I have tapped into strength reserves that I had no idea were there.

     My point is there is nothing you can do to stop the feeling of pain that comes from a death in the family. Even if you have been prepping for years.

Rest in peace Dr Samuel Garner you were the patriarch of our family and will be missed terribly. But I am glad you are out of pain.

I have always been clumsy

2011-05-11T08:19:00.000-05:00

I have always been clumsy. But 2 days ago I whacked my self in the head with my car door. I later figured that I should NOT have been leaning forward to see out of the opening garage door while simultaneously opening my car door. I whacked myself so hard that I stumbled 6 feet back to the wall in the garage and was stunned for a few seconds. It is like when Boots (quarterhorse) reared up and kicked me in the head at the farm. I whipped him around and pushed him backwards into his paddock, let him go, shut the gate, then collapsed. Saw stars for about a minute then went inside. He probably gave me a mild concussion but I did not go to a doctor and if Sarah reads this, this is the first she is finding out about the accident. It could have been so much worse, Boots shied at a loud noise coming from the truck painting the fence. I felt him rearing and turned so he did not get me with his entire hoof in the back of the head but instead got me on the right side of my head with the front of his hoof. That was the HARDEST hit I have EVER taken. It hurt so badly, but I muscled through the pain.

     When I worked on the farm I took some hard hits from horses, and got tossed into a wall in the barn the equine therapist told me don't move because she though I broke my hip. But, being stubborn I told don't call an ambulance I am fine and my hip is not broken. The bruise was hoof shaped and sized and turned all colors of the rainbow. Sarah sent me for a massage, it was the first massage I had ever had and it was AWESOME.
     On the farm I was on foal watch and was present for all but 2 births. One of those was Rab and he was breach, it was an extremely difficult delivery Sarah had to reach into Czaria and position the foal to come out. When he was safely out I was COVERED in placenta juice and birthing fluid, needless to say my clothes were toast. She told me to go smoke a cigarette. I cannot imagine what I must have looked like. But the foal I most admired was named Lana and she was red bag which means "water" had not broken and she was born in what looked like a red sack. She was septic and had all sorts of other problems she should have been stillborn but was such a fighter that she went to the hospital and they sent her home. Sarah and I were in the stall when she seized and died in my arms. Sarah was running to get some sort of life saving kit and I was giveing mouth to nose CPR. But Lana had had enough. She was such a fighter.
     Just like the racehorse Smooth as Silver the horse was lame and Roland told Steve has shouldn't race him. But Steve being bull headed butcher did not care. He demanded that Smooth be raced. Smooth broke out of the gate and had a lead and he would've lead wire to wire if not for the fact that in the home stretch his front left leg snapped but he ran on to get 4th. When he was vanned off the track it was discover that his leg was broken in 3 places and he was put down the next day. Think about what a waste that was. Smooth was a champion and his career was ruined by a man who just did not care.
   During my time on the track and farm I had many experiences that other people never get to have. I was present for a castration (Gelding of a stallion) I palpated a mare. Which is where you put on a glove that goes up to your armpit and stick your hand into a mare and feel the opening of her reproductive organs. That was the coolest experience ever. Though the majority of people would think it is disgusting as hell.

That is why I work with boarded horse now and not racehorse or breeding horses or show horses. The horses I work with now are perfectly calm and old and they know better.   There is not foaling at 2 am and waiting to see if the placenta has 2 horns then waiting to make sure that nothing goes wrong. A foal can be born perfectly healthy at 2 am and then be dead at 6 am. If no one is there watching then nobody is there to call the vet. Then you have lost a perfectly good foal and foals are $$. $$makes the world go round and it is expensive to take care of horses. I remember Visiting Bea a 19 yr old horse that was pregnant had a hemmorage and died in the field. I was out and felt so guilty the guilt ate at me when I went out to the field and sat with her body. She was a beautiful thoroughbred mare and had I been more vigilant I may have been able to prevent her death. That has plagued me ever since. That and when the dalmatian pack broke into the field and ate Irma alive. I was alone on the farm and the neighbors heard my frantic screams for help and came over. I called Sarah and she rushed home. Irma was a goat and therefore heavier than I could lift so the only thing I could do was make calls and make sure that vet was ready for us. I don't remember how we got her into the truck but I do remember that she passed out and I did something that I will forever regret because thinking of it now it seems cruel. I rubbed her all over to get her circulation going again and gave her mouth to nose resucitation and brought her back to consciousness only to have the vet put her down. If you think animals don't feel then you have obviously never heard a goat scream in pain. I wished I had just let her die in the back of the truck because she was in excruciating pain. I heard her screams in my nightmares for weeks after. That day on the way back Sarah and I made a mutual decision that I should move on from the farm. I was emotionally immature to handle all that. I was mad at first, but the anger melted into overwhelming guilt over the fact that I had not been there to prevent the attack. In my defense I never thought that the dogs would break into the field much less attack and eat a goat. I remember that day and it will be with me until I die. I am glad that I did not jump into the pasture and try to beat them off because they would have most definately turned on me and with the pack mentality they had they would have most likely killed me. Then Sarah would have come home to an extremely shocking and heartbreaking scene. But I try not to think about that because Sarahs mother went over to the neighbor that owned the dogs and told him what they did. In response he pulled out a shotgun and blew all the dogs away right in front of her. She was understandably terrified because he could have shot her. Needless to say that was a very bad day. When I am having a bad day I think about that day and my life and day doesn't seem so bad.

     The day of the dogs was the worst day of my life and that is why I am terrified of dalmatians.

Well I have rambled enough and will probably get flack from Sarah for this blog, but it was in 03 and now it is 11. I have never admitted it to myself that all of that could have been prevented had I just been more vigilant. I am so sorry Sarah.

Nothing good comes from jealousy

2011-05-09T14:03:00.001-05:00

My friend asked me point blank what I plan to do with the rest of my life. I thought about that and replied I would like to be an inspiration. But I know now that I will never be as inspiring as another cancer survivor because her blog reaches a ton more people than mine does.
So I thank YOU for reading this.

My old friend Cowboy gave me a card that said forgiveness on it. From the day he gave it to me I have kept it. I had with me at his funeral and I look at it whenever I get angry at someone or something. He gave it to me on my worst day that I can remember. I was so pissed off at the world that day that my speech therapist had me punch a bag and we did not even try to do any therapy that day. At the end of my session somehow Cowboy and I met up and he walked with me out to the car before I got in the car he hugged me and said "It will get better, stay strong." Now at the time the words did not resonate with me I was like, "yeah whatever." However I pass that advice along to anyone that will listen. I still have the card and Cowboy is MY inspiration.

Rest in peace Cowboy. You will NOT be forgotten. I meant what I said to you in the hospital you gave me the strength I needed and you continue to be a guardian angel to me. I thank God that I was lucky enough to have met someone like you. God sure knows what he is doing, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Hello again

2011-05-08T07:53:00.000-05:00

     So my computer caught a nasty virus that caused my system to screw up and Blogger not to work for a few weeks. Luckily my wonderful engineer husband saved my stuff and wiped my hard drive and now the problem is fixed!!! I realize that I might have lost a few readers during my forced hiatus... eh well. I am not worried. I do this for my own catharsis.

      So since I have blogged last alot has transpired. I quit Equest. Pam told me I was slipping into a dangerous depression and I needed to get out of the house. So I started taking riding lessons at WSSP, and working from 8-11 Monday and Friday. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I just go to take the horses out. Sergio takes 5 at a time. I take 1 at a time or 2. Depends on how I feel. When I go there I want to feel useful so when he comes walking out of the barn with 5 horses it makes me feel useless even though I know I am not. That is just how Sergio rolls he has mastered the job of barn management.

     Anyway I am getting my strength back. Friday I went with Freya to dump the manure and I picked up the huge heavy tarp and tossed it in the back of the truck all by myself. Now you may be saying to yourself WTF are you proud of yourself for? I am proud because during the treatment I got so weak that I could not lift over 10 lbs. Also the muscles in my legs atrophied from non use. Amanda, my trainer said her goal for me is to be able to post for 30 full minutes. She saw that my right side is significantly weaker than my left side and said we are going to concentrate on that. I surprised myself with my ability to balance on a moving horse. I was able to do a 2 point on a trotting horse after only 5 tries. Granted it was only for about 5 seconds but I did it. She let me hold the back of the saddle to gain my balance or if I thought I was going to fall off. Sam (the horse) sensed that I was not so skilled and was careful not to toss me off into the dirt. Amanda says I am a nervous rider and I waste alot of energy by gripping with my legs when I should just be one with the horse. As a matter of fact the first time I trotted with Sam I tensed up so much that he automatically went into a walk. Amanda said that was because I got so tense. Also she saw I was gritting my teeth and told me not to do it, after 3 times telling me gently not to grit my teeth she said, "Andrea I DON"T want to see you grit your teeth ANYMORE." I mad a conscious effort to keep myself from doing it from then on.

     I am in private lessons due to the fact that I am medically not allowed to jump at all. I think that is better for me right now. Basically this is additional physical therapy for me. Riding strengthens and tones every muscle in your body, it is kind of like swimming only not wet.

     I feel the need to give back because of all the people that helped me through the extremely difficult treatment. The past 2 years have been a fight for my life and no one would allow me to give up. Thank you guys more than words can say.

     Contingent on the fact that my computer stays healthy I will blog later.

blogger wont let me post.

2011-04-30T17:19:00.003-05:00

hmmm

2011-04-30T15:01:00.002-05:00

Radiation results

2011-04-20T19:20:00.000-05:00

     I had an appointment with my radiologist Dr. Nedzi (dude that zapped my brain) and when he walked in, his usually somber face broke into a huge smile. He said "Andrea, I remember when you first came here, and your speech is much, much better." I replied, "Well, I practice alot." He and Mike chuckled.

   He said it all looks good and he wants to see me in a year.

Leaving the past behind

2011-04-20T10:43:00.000-05:00

Today I realized that I have some major baggage that I just cannot seem to let go of so I am going to write about it. Why can't I just walk away? Leave the past behind me? Heavens, this cancer is easier to forget than her memory. I will never see her again I need closure to let this go. I have no idea how to get closure by myself. She is attached to a memorable time in my life when I learned ALOT. I learned about myself and how cruel people can be.

      They say that writing it is cathartic. I hold firm that they are correct. I will attain closure by expressing my feelings through this blog. Open to everyone, making me vulnerable as a baby kitten. Probably telling more than you want to know. More than you need to know is more like it. Some things must remain private. "not everyone needs to know everything" is something she frequently said to me. OOPS. Not oops I am not ashamed of my life I will tell anyone anything they want to know.

     I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need. I did this in KY while working for brief time at Rood and Riddle, I saw a motorcycle accident and I ripped my long sleeve shirt off and they tied it around his head. Then I left, shirtless. I never found out what happened to him but at least I was there to lend a helping shirt, I looked for a towel but there weren't any in my car. I am so desperate to help others that I have gotten myself tangled up in messes that I should have just walked away from. My whole life I have been searching for purpose.

     Now I think I have found my purpose because if this blog helps even 1 person it will all be worth it. The pain I went through from the cancer and all of the things I have overcome. My purpose in life is simply to inspire others to help their fellow man. This world is too full of cruelty and snap judgments. I know I cannot end all that with just a blog, but this is my part, my contribution to a happier way of life.

     If you read this and you know someone that it could help please pass it along.

The importance of repeating

2011-04-19T13:16:00.001-05:00

If you haven't been through the trauma of cancer you just do not understand where we are coming from. You can sympathize and feel sorry for us, but there is no way you can empathize with us. We as cancer survivors have come to grips with our own mortality. That is a very scary thing to do. But scarier still are the fears of recurrence. For me the main fear is that I will have a seizure and be home bound for 6 months again. That is on par with my fears of recurrence.

     Being able to listen to what your body is trying to tell you will save your life. Don't worry if others call you a hypochondriac. My immediate family always told me I was a hypochondriac, then when I was diagnosed they said good thing it happened to you because we would have just thought nothing of it. Apparently they did not realize and to this day don't understand how painful it was. The tumor was ruining my life, my job, my love for my husband. Until it was taken out I felt apathetic about everything including my own wedding. I knew that was not right. A person should be happy about getting married. I had feelings about my wedding and I knew that I loved Michael with all my heart, but the fact that in a few weeks I felt apathetic about the wedding, well that's when I knew something was desperately wrong.

     I know, I know, you have heard this story before but it is therapeutic to talk about it. It is so important to KNOW that some other human hears you and your story. Even if they get really sick of hearing it the patient needs to talk about their trauma. Cancer is trauma. Massive life altering trauma.

   When I started to vomit at work my boss told me to go home. This happened multiple times until I was sure that I was going to be fired for faking it. I wasn't listening to my body. I would get a splitting headache in the morning, go to work, vomit, get sent home but, once at home I would feel better. (I later learned the headaches are usually worse in the morning and taper off through the day.) I went to training for my job and was in so much pain I could no longer hide it from people. Pat, the trainer saw that I was in horrendous pain and about to cry that she just excused and let me go home. I spoke to my boss because she got migraines as well so she advised me to ask for a certain drug. She said once it dissolved on your tongue you would get IMMEDIATE relief. So I requested it my doctor obliged. It didn't work. So on the 4th or 5th visit I asked for an MRI. Dr. Wood said he couldn't authorize one unless the symptoms were really really bad. So I told him "With my family history I am afraid that my headaches are a symptom of something bigger and I just want to know for sure if I am actually being a hypochondriac." To which he replied, "No I don't think you are being a hypochondriac." Then he coached me through what to say to him so I could get an MRI. Dr. Wood is an awesome physician that listens to his patients. My Previous physician Dr.G ignored my concerns and blew them off. She did a whole battery of other tests but, not an MRI. Alas, there is no use in thinking "what if" All that matters is Snarla was discovered in time to save my life.

   The surgery was almost an emergency Dr. Lang moved another patient to a different time slot so he could take care of me. I went to MD Anderson 1 week for the intake, They evaluated me and I guess I was farther along than I realized because like 4 days later I had an awake craniotomy. Those 4 days were FULL of tests and MRI's and seeing EXACTLY where the tumor sat (very near my motor cortex) They wanted to get it out as soon as they could so I would be able to function and live a "normal" life I guess they were worried. The day before the surgery I remember, I cried because they shaved the left side of my head and I had such beautiful hair. Seems silly now seeing as how my life could have ended that next day on the table. I just realized that I am not being a drama queen. That was some SERIOUS shit, I did not realize how serious it was until after it was over.

     I remember how infuriating not being able to communicate was. My in laws were there trying to help me. I was so frustrated that I lashed out at anyone that tried to help me. Mike's parents got fed up and left and to this day I am sorry that I did not have any control over my impulses. I mean if it went through my head it came out of my mouth. That can be BAD, it was horrible. T my speech therapist helped me learn to speak again. I am eternally grateful to her, she is an angel among humans.

    Also I took Mike for granted as well. I feel extra guilty about that because I treated him like dirt. He was doing everything in his power to make ME comfortable but I could not walk or write or talk so I was really terrified and my new husband took the brunt of my rage. But he took his vows seriously, marriage is not an institution to enter into lightly. I love Mike he is MY personal angel.

AJG

Through Faith ANYTHING is possible

2011-04-13T16:56:00.000-05:00

On the first church visit after the diagnosis the reading was "Let Me Die Laughing" Written by Mark Morrison-Reed, an excerpt from Been in the storm so long, 1991

It moved me to tears. So I got a copy made and I put it one the cover of the book that Stephanie made me. On the other side of the book: "Words to live by: ATTITUDE, written by Dr. Charles Swindoll

Will scan and post in the next blog

Blood and water

2011-04-11T09:57:00.003-05:00

I have preached this before, however it is so important that it needs to be told again. When you are diagnosed with cancer (Any type) you will find out who your real friends are. You may think you know them but you will know you have a good friend if they stick around during your treatment.
I say this because I am having an "I beat cancer, thank you for being there" party and one who shall remain nameless blew me off. I mean doesn't this person know how lucky they are that they don't have to go to a FUNERAL. This is a celebration of LIFE. I don't think this is petty at all. I think what this person did SUCKS. But I think what they did was GRADE A Selfish and shitty.

But on a happier note, I just got back from a very pleasant bike ride down preston ridge trail. Due to the rain last night it was cool weather. It is a fact that tail wind is much better than head wind.

I was so depressed all last week, it stunk and Mike was really worried about me. But mood swings come with the territory of cancer. When I tell people that I finished chemo and am in the monitoring stage most people assume monitoring is remission. I don't have the heart to tell them that with my type of cancer I will not ever go into remission. EVER because there are still tumor cells in my brain, and that was confirmed by my oncologist. But the good thing is that it cannot spread outside my brain. The bad thing is that if it crosses the blood brain barrier I am dead. But hopefully that won't happen for a very very long time i.e I will pass of old age first. The likelihood it will cross over is slim to none.

People that have other types of tumors on the right frontal lobe can go into remission. People with other types of cancer can go into remission. Everyone is different and if you are going to get cancer do it in your 20s because our bodies are more resilient and resistant.

Until next time.....

Cancer has strengthened my faith

2011-04-08T08:56:00.000-05:00

So when I was diagnosed I was iffy about God. I didn't go to church, basically I held a grudge against him for my mother dying when I was still developing mentally. I was 5 or 6. I blamed him for all the bad things that had happened in my life and I questioned his very existence. I believed the world wasn't controlled b y some invisible graceful force. I thought it was just a higher power fucking with us. I resented my life and took it for granted.

     Then I met Michael, he brought purpose into my life. After we got married and I was diagnosed with brain cancer I was convinced that I was too big of a burden for him to carry. I mean think about it Newlyweds and the wife gets a deadly form of cancer not just any cancer Brain Cancer. And the choice set before us was a very difficult one. The surgery could leave me paralyzed or unable to communicate. I was very sorry that I had gotten this disease. I apologized profusely to him to which he ALWAYS replied, "I take my vows seriously".
Any other guy I know would have cut and run. Michael stayed and we are stronger for it.

    The road to recovery was a long and DIFFICULT journey. One that I couldn't have survived with God and all the people praying for me. This cancer has actually changed my life in a big way. I now go to church and believe in the power of prayer. I believe that when more than one person asks for the same thing there is more of a likely hood that it will be done.

     Now I married into a Catholic/Jewish family and their views are widespread. I don't judge because all prayers go to the same place. I try not to dwell on the differences in peoples beliefs. I come from an extremely Christian family. So as not to offend anyone I will cease the discussion of religion right there.

The point is that with the help and never ending support of countless people I am well again.

Cancer survivors still get bullied

2011-04-07T10:32:00.000-05:00

I just tried to post my last blog to Facebook. Now I post on a weekly basis. However some jerk off flagged it as abusive and or spammy. Now I understand that once it is out there you can NEVER take it back so I will restrain myself. The culprit is parading around as one of my "friends" If they cared enough to look at it and proceed to FLAG it that is just pathetic. I have faith in people to look at what they are interested in and skip over the non interesting or relevant stuff. Why don't they just de-friend me. It makes me furious and deeply deeply hurts my feelings.

I am simply a woman trying to share my story through the harrowing and most of the time deadly disease of Brain Cancer. My question is WHY would someone do this. If you don't like it or are not interested in the blog then why the f^$# are you taking the time to flag it . I cannot help but take this personally. Just so you know I will be fleecing my friends. So if at some point someone decides to look at their friend count and sees it is lower..... that is why.

It is going to drive up the wall not knowing who did this. I know I should just let it go because if I don't I give my control to them. They have made me mad and hurt my feelings.
This brings up painful memories of High School.

Changes

2011-04-07T08:51:00.001-05:00

Michael and I epitomize the fact that age does not matter. We are soulmates and we can finish each others sentences and can have an entire conversation without speaking a word. In short he is the love of my life.

   So Pam posed the question, "How long had the tumor been there?" The doctors don't know and there is no way to tell. However after Grandmama passed from a GBM on the left side, my father took me to have an MRI and they did not find anything. That was when I was 8. However 8 years later I began having migraines. The worst one was at Project SOAR right before we were supposed to leave on a horse packing trip. Paula took me to the doctor and then made me drink Pedialite. I was 16. Anyway the migraines were so bad and I knew when they were coming on because I t always went like this: 1) tunnel vision 2) vomit 3) pass out. When I woke up it would be gone. So the doctors said it was stress. I got so used to them that the symptoms all but disappeared.
     My point is from 16 on I genuinely believe the tumor on my frontal lobe was affecting my impulses. Causing me to be misdiagnosed by multiple Psychiatrists, psychtherapists and even My regular doctors. It took 11 years for me to have it bad enough to ask for an MRI.

   I am not the same person that I was when I was 19 or in Kentucky. All that time the tumor was pressing against my impulse center. I wonder how different my life would be if Snarla had been discovered in Kentucky. I definitely would have made better choices. However, I am who I am today because of everything I have been through. Though I have had a rough traumatic life I know it could always be worse and I thank God that it is not.

   There were people in Kentucky who gave a strange girl a chance with their horses. I am very grateful to them. Then there is one in particular who I am still in contact with she wrote me a recommendation to work with Freya. There was one foal in particular that I was very close to I called him Rab because when he was born I thought he looked like a rabbit due to his ears. I don't know what happened to him, he is probably retired by now. But that relationship showed me how a bond between a horse and a human can positively influence ones life.

Things I never knew

2011-03-31T04:01:00.000-05:00

Wow, we brain tumor patients go through almost the exact same thing. I just read a very detailed blog about seizures and doctors and I was stunned to find out that our experiences are so similar.

   So this morning I cannot sleep. I decided to write. Now that I am off chemo I am emotionally confused. Allow me to elaborate; chemo is basically a safety net and now I am off chemo I do not know what to think. I try not to concentrate on the burst headaches that I have. Fink explained this sensation is the nerves trying to fire or cross or something. Anyway the gist is these bursty things are most likely something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I am okay with that. It is way way better than I used to feel.

     Also, my memory and concentration is shot. When I just had ADHD it was fixable with adderall or some other meds. This TBI is not treatable with meds. That is why Pam is recommending I stay on disability for a while longer. I am actively working on concentration and memory. How can you work on memory if you can't remember? It is a vicious cycle.

     So today was fun, went to barn in Wylie. Equest is helping me as well as the youth that rides. Helping me with my social skills, teaching me to look people in the eye. Also I have to remember how all the saddle parts go together. Basically I am not the same girl that worked on the track or on Czaria farm. I am working hard but it does not come easily. However I will keep with it because the horses keep me calm. My fave horse is Bunny, she is a Percheron Thoroughbred cross she is as huge as she is sweet. I asked what it is like to ride her and the response was it is like riding an elephant, she is very smooth though. Everything in texas is bigger.

     Bigger except for the weather. That is my one complaint. It is very rare that we get a big beautiful storm. Both myself and my husband would love to have a screened in porch and sit on a swinging bench watching the storm. At least we have goals.

     I cannot describe to you how in love I am with Michael. He is my soulmate period.   I hope everyone can find someone that they are on the same wavelength with. We are such a lovey dovey couple that we can finish each others sentences and frequently say the exact same thing at the same time. I hope everyone can find someone they don't need to verbalize with to communicate. We are very very lucky. We are blessed everyday.

equally fantastic

2011-03-24T10:58:00.000-05:00

You know, when you hear the words "You have Cancer" a shot of pure dread goes straight to your bones.
But, when you hear the words; "You are going into monitoring and no longer have to do chemo." that causes a feeling of exaltation, really it is a THRILLING feeling!!!!
That's where I am now. I just have this to say to fellow survivors: If I can do it you can too.

Almost Free

2011-03-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

So the Mri today was fun. An I.V. needle went in so they could stream the perfusion dye in really quick so Dr. Fink can see exactly how it progresses through my brain. This will tell her if I need to do another round of chemo or if I can go into the monitoring phase. Monitoring phase does not mean Remission, it just means that instead of MRI every 2 months, I have to get an MRI every 3 months.
Woohoo, what a reprieve!!!!!

Today I realized something strange, after having about 15 MRIs the noise is starting to lull me into dreamland, whereas my husbands snoring wakes me up. How strange. But that's life with cancer.

Results come in Thursday.

big news: coming soon

2011-03-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

So I will have my next MRI on tuesday, and this one is to see if I need to stay on or do another round of chemo. Or if I can go into the monitoring stage. Monitoring does not mean I am cured, it just means that Snarla is asleep still. I have no doubt that she will be roused into a waking state at some point, however I have no doubt that the point will be several years from now. Basically I have done the hardest part.

Mike found a blog on tumblr.com called A lie of the mind. She has a tumor on her right frontal lobe and just recently had surgery. I really want to contact her, however she obviously does not want anyone she doesn't know contacting her. We are all in tumorland.
Anyway I have been doing very well except for the infrequent head rushes they make me nervous. But I have been assured by Dr. Fink that Snarla is sleeping.
I have found myself becoming obsessed with Diablo II, much to my husbands chagrin.
We are in Kingwood Texas at my sisters' house. They have a HUGE yard that the dogs run around in and wear themselves out. Hopefully they will sleep all the way home. I am going to give them 5 pot pills each. Don't fret, I am not really drugging the dogs, the "pills" are simply Pet Ease treats with chamomile.

Amy made us an awesome Easter Basket and this morning I found out that Mike had NEVER had a little Debbie. He tried one and Loved it.

Regardless of what the news is I will post it. I have a very busy day on thursday 9am Results 1215 haircut 400 woman wellness exam. I have confidence the news will be good, with only a niggle of a tickle of doubt at the back of my bruised 3/4 brain. LOL

Recently I have come to find out that way more people than I realized are reading this. I am nothing special, I just did what I had to do to stay alive. I am keeping a record of it so in a few years when the block is firm and I cannot remember any of this experience I can go back and remind myself. Some say Let a sleeping dog lie, I say poke him with a stick and face the consequences. I am not sure why I made it, but I assume that I have a purpose greater than myself. That is why we (brain tumor peeps) make it through the ordeal of surgery and recovery alive and relatively unscathed.

Tata for now....

Lost in transition

2011-03-07T07:36:00.000-06:00

Hello to all my followers ( you just cannot write that so it doesn't sound like a cult.....)

Anyway, we have gotten into a solid routine. It is nice and reassuring. Our dogs are constant source of entertainment for us.
     I am officially traumatized by this entire experience, what sane person wouldn't be? All I KNOW is it is ok I can't speak for the future and the past is history but right now it is alright. I just ask for the divine being to let me be at peace with whatever happens. I used to wish that something "exciting" would happen.....now I just want normal and mundane.
   When I think about what I have been through it breeds strong emotions. I can't even read my blog the whole way through because it brings up so many memories for me. I believe this is typical. I am not special, it is not about me. When I see Cancer commercials I can empathize with them, but I no longer feel sorry for them. I know that sounds harsh but the medical leaps and bounds they are making give me such hope.

   For the first time in a week I am going back to the Stables. I hope it cheers me up.

Amy and Matt Scott's Wedding

2011-02-07T07:50:00.000-06:00

have you seen the news?

2011-01-28T19:06:00.000-06:00

I have been watching MSNBC all day. Cairo is in chaos. Read your bibles people. Think of the wild weather coupled with the uprising, famine, flooding.
How would we react if that happened here?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE

Feeling all better

2011-01-27T09:57:00.000-06:00

So my last blog reeked of depression. Well this one will not be that way.

     I am now going to explain why I and every other cancer patient may dip into a depression when finding out the GREAT news. My MRI came back for the third time showing stability and just a few single dormant cells. Now for the last year and a half I was convinced that my life was going to be declining into oblivion and I would be gone in 5-7 years. Those are the stats and still are but due to the steady hands of Dr. Fredrick Lang Chief of Neurosurgery at M.D. Anderson, the skill of Dr. Nedzi's pinpoint radiation treatment, and the unending patience of Dr. Fink and her entire staff; the tumor has been reduced to just a few dormant cells.
     That means that as long as they don't wake up and barring an accident I have no time limit on my life anymore!!! But the fact is that when we come to grips with our own mortality it is an incredibly humbling realization and a MAJOR change of the way you live your life. Then you have another Major change back to the way things were but you have already made the changes.

     Now the horses are saving my life, yet again. I am trying to learn all about the tack and the fine tuning of the gorgeous horse. All I have ever known is how to abuse horses by being on the track and working for a trainer that saw horses as just a commodity. Sarah Hamilton started to teach me the right, gentle way to handle them. But I was so high strung that I scared them. Until I had the surgery I did not realize how high strung I was, and I gotta tell you calmer is way better. Now I spoil the horses and give them lots of love and attention and they give it back ten fold. I am working with English and Western tack. English first then western. In the summer I am going to take a riding class. I am thrilled about starting on the right track to become an instructor. But I have to be a master rider and master on tack before I can instruct others. I have never been very good at the canter or lope.

     On Saturday we are leaving the country to go to Turks and Caicos for my sisters wedding. However, it is the first vacation as a married couple. We are both extremely excited, no phones, no doctors, no worries except how much sunscreen to put on and what book to read.

Until next time...

will someone please give me the directions?

2011-01-25T19:19:00.001-06:00

ok so by now we all know that life doesn't come with directions. But then again I think maybe it should. That way when you get thrown a curve ball (in my case cancer) you will know exactly what to do and how to do it. My situation is when I was diagnosed I had to stop working because the headaches were so tremendous. Now that I am 2 months away from the end of the chemo I have to start thinking about a job. GREAT!!! I mean when I was at my old job the economy had just started going in the crapper, now I am only suited for working in retail or food industry. When I think to myself WHAT THE HELL DID I SPEND $60000 on that flimsy degree for if I can't use it? This is the epitome of "life is unfair" I can't stop myself from crying.

I mean I REALLY REALLY enjoyed my job. I was one of the lucky ones I had a job I enjoyed and to top it off I was good at it. Then my dumbass brain had to go get cancer. Now the cancer is dormant and my job opportunities are dead. The economy is not going to rebound any time soon. Some people have called their cancer an opportunity or the first day of the rest of their life. Well I want some of what they are smoking. Yes I am bitter. But I have damn good reason to be bitter, not to mention pissed off.

I really think that life should come with directions.

holy moly

2011-01-19T16:27:00.000-06:00

So there is a new Starbucks size: Trenta. You can get an iced drink in 900 ml whch is the avg capacity of the human stomach. My goodness we are already the fattest, most overindulgent, most wasteful country in the world; what is next?

I am one step closer to my dream of working with kids at risk with horses. I think I found my niche. YAY for me. I will still volunteer at Windmill Stables but I will additionally volunteer at Equest.

*****DISCLAIMER*****
The views and opinions expressed here in No way reflect those of the Equest Therapy Center

If you are not outraged you are not paying attantion

2011-01-16T15:31:00.000-06:00

Ok folks I am going to warn you up front: this is going to be a LONG blog. So if you are truly invested bookmark it.

With all that is going on in the world a single person feels helpless to do anything to change the way of the world. Because I am one of these truly helpless, hopeless feeling people I am pouring all my feelings out in this blog. So here goes:
Case 1: Natural disasters
So it seems the apocalypse is upon us, that or mother nature is just really pissed. Or maybe and most probably it is the FACT that we have sucked the ozone out and there is little to no protection from the extreme rays of the sun. Not to mention wasting all of our resources on petty things not thinking about the lives of our grandchildren. We give such little thought to why we are bringing even more people into an already overpopulated planet then we leave them no means to survive. We are, to put it lightly beating the snot out of mother earth the way some careless person would drive a horse to run to its death.

Case 2: The way we treat each other
This subject really burns my toast. We have assasinated EVERYONE that has ever told us to get along and treat each other fairly. Case and point Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, JFK, Ghandi, Jesus, John Lennon, yitzhak rabin (if you don't know that one wikipedia him), Anwar Sadat. I recommend wikipedia the last 2, their stories are they were warriors who came to know the value of peace. Most of you are probably thinking Shouldn't Jesus Christ be first, well no, not because he was the first to preach fairness but because Jesus stood for equality of HUMAN KIND. The others preached just the same yet we kill them like they are evil.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anwar_El_Sadat
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yitzhak_Rabin

Case 3: The SORRY state of healthcare
   I can say this because I have brain cancer. If I did not have health insurance I would be DEAD. End of story. So why am I so much better than the destitute people who cannot afford operations and healthcare. I AM NO BETTER than them. Neither are you. I know that is harsh to hear but how can you put a price on a life? The insurance companies think "out of sight, out of mind" well to them I say may you be blessed with perfect health for the rest of your life. Pray that your children don't get sick with a pre-existing condition and you don't have to deny them care. If they were in the families of these people that cannot afford healthcare don't you think they'd change their tune? If I could give my health insurance to some child that will make a difference I would in a heartbeat. I am not going to make any difference to anyone. But a child can and will. But without health care they are going to die, and nobody gives a damn. Because if it doesn't affect you directly and you don't have to see it or hear about it you just don't care.
     I used to believe that people are inherently good and kind, now I still believe that but only for newborns. Then we learn about the world and become the jaded folks that we are.

Case 4: Our government
    Don't the people in washington EVER get tired of just bickering? When Obama says ANYTHING the other side has to dispute it. It happens every time. Obama has had some GREAT ideas and the other side has said no. But when they get in control they will bring it back up, claim the idea as their own and get it passed. This is not about politics, because we see this every cycle.

                           I will get of my soapbox now before someone comes and kicks me off.

So, in other news: we decided to join our church this morning. Which brings me to another point (oh crap here she goes again...) I know we are all imperfect, But where does one get off going to church and then going straight back to oh I don't know I will pick something extreme... Going to church then going from church and the next day Robbing a bank? HUH??? Why go at all?
But I guess forgiveness is key we have to forgive others and ourselves. I learned that from Cowboy (Benton Nelson) God rest him. I find it is hardest to forgive myself for the pain I have caused others. 27 years of extreme living in sin I wonder if that can be forgiven, I know it can but I also know I don't deserve it in any way. I am trying to rectify it by being overly generous and nice now but I know that doesn't make up for it. I can never do anything to make up for the life I have led and the pain I have caused. Everyone tells me I am too hard on myself, I think I am not hard enough.

My next MRI is next Monday I always expect the worst and secretly hope for the best so I will not be disappointed.   But if any of them are gonna show growth it will be this one, I just know it.

On a happier note: The horses are keeping me very chill and happily calm. When I am upset I go to the horses. They can sense it and will do anything to make you feel better. Case and Point: I went to the barn and when I arrived I got upset. Upon walking into the barn (going to dearaz bc she is the one I go to when I need cheering up) Odie stuck his head out as far as he could just to get my attention. As if to say "what's wrong? You are usually so happy here, can I help?" Needless to say this small gesture made me feel worlds better and my anger melted away like snow on a warm day.

Okay now I have hit my word quota for today. Feel free to leave comments.

new year new Memories

2011-01-01T19:50:00.000-06:00

Hello folks,
     As most of you know 2011 is upon us, those that don't I will buy you a calendar. Any way it was a REALLY rough year for Mike and me, but the main thing to remember is we got through the mess with our sanity intact. YAYYYY!
   So, last MRI showed that the scar tissue has shrunk some which is a super positive. I give credit to the horses. After the memorial today I went to the stables for about 2 hours and Olivia and John helped me groom Dearaz and Odie. Dearaz was first because she was Very dirty from laying down in the mud to cool off. I picked the front hooves and brushed manes and tails. Dearaz took about an hour to fully groom and loved every minute of it, Odie just needed to be brushed off.    Olivia is very knowledgeable about horses, I was impressed. The horses never fail to put me in good spirits...ever. Every time I leave I have a giant smile on my face and I am calmer for the rest of the day.

     I lost a friend on the 26th. He was someone that I had known only a short time but he had a PROFOUND impact on me and my attitude. I knew him by the name Cowboy. He had throat cancer 10 years ago, treated with a shot gun blast of radiation to the throat which killed the cancer but then he passed from radiation poisoning. I suspect that he was in unimaginable pain every day but he never complained and he never stopped smiling. He was what I aspire to be. If you knew him you were crazy lucky to have him in your life. I know I will NEVER forget him.

     At the memorial today I went to his mother to tell her what an inspiration he was to me and after I told her she looked at me and said, "Oh you must be Andrea." I was so flattered that he spoke of me that I had to sit down. The memorial service was BEAUTIFUL and touching and PACKED. He went to a biker church and they did a 21 bike salute. His bike was his baby so I know he enjoyed that.

      Well Benton "Cowboy" Nelson here's to you!!!! Enjoy your cornbread and milk at the Lords table. God forbid he is in a heaven without Harleys. We all love you and you will be missed. I hope to see your smile when I get to where you are.

It's called christmas not santa mas

2010-12-20T14:19:00.000-06:00

Why am I not painting anymore? Simply because I made so many and they would not sell, I had to give them away. I still have them coming out my ears.

     Anyway Christmas is a joyful time of year. On the flipside you spend days and days thinking about the PERFECT gift for everyone, then it is all over in a matter of seconds. A wise woman once told me that if they complain or say something like "Oh I already have that." or "I didn't want this" just don't get them anything ever again. I think that is brilliant, not to mention logical and money saving.

   So one down and one to go. We leave Thursday for Florida to celebrate Christmas with Mikes family.
I did not ask for anything this Christmas because I have all I need, my husband, family, faith, and health.
On a side note I personally don't think christmas should be called xmas but I do think that people should say happy holidays just so they can be pc. Can't we all just get along???

not creating a bucket list yet!!!

2010-12-17T08:57:00.000-06:00

So I feel great and the horses give me a sense of tranquility. When I am at the stables I get this big smile on my face. Horses are used to routines and if you break their routines they get mad and fussy. Case and point normally I take Kim out of her stall and into the corral, then Daffney comes in from her corral into Kims stall, the Dearaz goes out into Daffneys corral. Well yesterday I did the first 2 steps and then took Cash and Stoney out, Dearaz was so mad she pinned her ears and tried to bite Stoney on the rump as we walked past. Dearaz wound up being the last to go out. Normally when I put her in her corral she waits at the gate for me to put her halter up then come back and give her some love before she goes and gets the hay Daffney left. Man that horse can hold a grudge. She just walked away and then refused to come when I called. So I figured if sweet talk doesn't work bribery will. I was right I gave her a treat and all was forgiven.
Jewel is a ham, when I park she sees it as here duty to greet me. Ebony is sweet as sweet can be she will walk right next to you as you walk thru the corral. But her owner comes EVERY night and rides her and gives her love and affection.

People don't realize just how therapeutic horses and humans are to each other. If you take a kid that has been abused and or neglected and put him around horses they will teach him trust and love and vice versa.
So right now these horses are saving my life...yet again. As I have always said: God forbid I go to a heaven without horses.

Ahh sweet routine

2010-12-08T07:04:00.000-06:00

I never thought I would say this but I am grateful my life is boring and predictable now. Due to the fact that we never know when the next big thing will pop up I am reveling in this quiet time.

So I was really worried about my MRI, but Dr. Fink reassured me that it was stable so i don't have to worry about that. The net day I got my 4th and final root canal and my headaches went away completely. Now I only get a headache if my body is trying to tell me something i.e dehydrated, hungry, tired, sleeping too much etc.

Something else is helping my headaches. Horses. I got a volunteer position at the English riding stables on Jupiter. The owner that I have met, Freya is awesome~!~! Sarah H. wrote a letter of reccomendation to prove that I have alot of horse experience. I am eternally grateful to her for that. If she had not done that I would still be in the house all day obsessing about my own death and worrying that every twinge of pain was snarla staging a comeback. Now whenever I get nervous I go hang with the horses. My favorites (don't tell them) are Dearaz, Tusca and Tommy. I get to walk them to the grass, groom them and generally hang out with them and give them lots of love. Tommy's owner has cancer and she can no longer come take care of him so I do it or as much as I can. He is a TB which is a highly active breed and though I used to work with only Thoroughbreds I now don't have the strength to handle a highly skittish horse. That and I don't want to risk getting kicked in the head. I know he wouldn't mean to hurt me but they can easily injure me and if I did not know what I was doing they would.

Teresa always wanted me to get out of the house and do something that I love, but the only thing I wanted to do was work and be around horses. Period. I knew that was what would make me feel better and feel alive again so thank god for Sarah Hamilton.

Did I mention I am free labor? But I am not exactly free my payment is being around these majestic, calm, and healing creatures. Once again horses will save my life. Once again I realize that I have something to live for: God, my husband, horses, and prove snarla is a little weenie biznatch.

Thanks again for reading. I could not do this without you guys. Thank you.

one year anniversary

2010-11-24T06:37:00.000-06:00

When I tink of this day last year I shudder. I did not know for certain that I would make it through the day. Looking back I now see how brave I was. Going into that surgery with uncertain out come and uncertain that I would be alive after. There was a possibility that I would die on the table.

THANK GOD I did not die. I truly believe that had it not been for all the prayers, my outcome would have been drastically different. Yet here I am one year to the day later back to normal for everyone that doesn't live with me. Looking back I don't know how or were I summoned the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you so much!! You are the reason I am alive, You and your prayers and YOUR faith. I had none sure I cast a few pleading last ditch prayers of my own but I did not believe they were heard. Apparently Valerie Spratlin was right I have a higher purpose. I do not know what that is but I am determined to find out.

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!

praying that she stays asleep

2010-11-16T10:17:00.000-06:00

So my situation is different from most people in my tumorland. Every case is unique and every tumor has chance of recurrence; but is my fear really justified? Someone always tells me "don't borrow trouble". I don't think I am borrowing trouble by being afraid. I am scared $@%#less because unlike other people that have had their tumors completely resected and are in in full remission (I.E. no trace of tumor cells) snarla is just asleep. Everyday I think "Will I be alive this time next year?". I cannot help it and if you haven't been in this situation before you cannot begin to understand what that is like. Don't get me wrong, you can and do empathize and for that I grateful.
However everytime you get a headache you don't think about the life threatening thing that is just dormant in you brain waiting to strike. IF I die naturally it will be from brain cancer. I have no illusions and I know that later today I could get hit by a bus. DUH. I wish people would just STOP telling me that as if it is going to make me feel better. I am Fully aware of just how fragile and precious life is. I studied it, I have worked with hospice and I have also worked with old people, as matter of fact I have ALWAYS worked with dying people. I used to want to open a funeral parlor. I am not morbid I was just over exposed to death in my developing stages.
Now I have cancer that will kill me if given the chance. I don't want to dabble in coulda, woulda, shoulda, but I no longer no how to grab life by the horns. I have lost a bit of myself to her (Snarla). They told me I would only get back 90% of who I was before. They were right and the things I lost were the things I did not need. That is how to deal with this so I don't go insane. But I am noticing other things that were lost, history, names of historical figures, geography. They say that the one thing that can never be stripped from you is your knowledge I am living proof that is a false statement. Everything that you have, everything that you are CAN be taken away.
I am NOT strong, none of us are; we just do like you, just trying to cope with this. I am still figuring out how.
By rereading this blog it looks and sounds like I am begging for sympathy, when what I am actually saying is just give me ideas on how to cope. Help me. I will be strong of spirit again and I am working on being physically strong again as well.

But if life doesn't challenge you, you are doing it wrong.

The amazing walk

2010-11-07T08:58:00.000-06:00

So yesterday was an emotional day for us. We went to the brain tumor walk. To all of you that donated Team AJG raised a whopping sum of over $2000. Thank you so much for your support I could not keep on going if it weren't for all the dear precious people that are there for me day or night, not to mention the prayers.
So yesterday was amazing to see all the people that got up early and braved the frigid temps just to support us. It was stunning when all of us went up to the front and got our picture taken I was looking out into the crowd (which was massive 2000 strong at least) I was overwhelmed with such emotion that I could not talk about it without starting to cry. I was speechless and still am speechless. The support and will to live is so strong in all of us. And we would not be alive without YOU. So the next time you think of a cancer patient as an inspiration Please take a look in the mirror. Without your support we would definitely be dead. So give yourself credit.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!

The Joys of Chemo

2010-10-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

So chemo sux. I assume all of you know the rep chemo has.
But what they don't put emphasis on is teeth well they mentioned it but I did not heed them I had other things on my mind, like surviving.

Any way dry mouth is crappy side effect. I have to have a second root canal on Tuesday. Bledsoe said "This one is on the house because you have so much on your plate" Of all the things to get for free... I don't like tools put in my mouth.

So word of warning to others. Take care of your teeth before you start chemo because once you start having problems and go to the dentist it is already too little too late.

happy and afraid

2010-10-15T07:29:00.000-05:00

If you have this disease you can relate. Even though I had a clean (dormant tumor cells) MRI I can't help but have a twinge o anxiety when I get a headache. Not only that, but I have a bone crushing wave of terror wash through me when I get a Sudden BAD headache. Am I foolish to want another MRI now? I mean in the beginning it grew 50% in a month 1 month and I had to have major surgery quickly so I would not die.
I cannot wrap my head around this. They changed my meds and Pam says I have PTSD from the experience. She says it is normal but that doesn't stop me from being scared out of my mind.

I am home with the dogs all day long. Yesterday I slept for 20 hrs. That scares me because the One thing everyone who has dealt with this disease has said is when it grows and hits something vital in your brain you will start sleeping ALOT. I am so tired all the time. The doctors are hopeful that snarla will stay dormant forever, but that is simply a good front to make me feel better about actively dying.

To those of you that are used to me being cheery and funny in this blog I am deeply sorry. This is how I feel and I have to get it out otherwise I will stew on it and eventually crack.

I have been thinking about people in my past from Ky and Ga and I am sorry to say that I am deeply ashamed of how I acted. I never had any self control and I pissed people off all the time because I was angry about mom. Dad said when I was little I would find out what someone HATED and do it over and over again until they gave up on me. Now I really need support and I don't easily accept it because I was raised to never take anything from anyone. Connie V tried to break me of this...unsuccessfully. I don't mean to shun you for being nice to me. It is just that I am so used to criticism. When I was diagnosed with this everyone changed their tune. A 180 and it confused me.

I am working on not telling everyone everything. I am just now realizing it is massively inappropriate.

Bottom line I am terrified that snarla will wake up and quickly take me out quickly. I wish she was on the right side of my brain. But she is nasty and mean as a snake.

I am going to have "OOPS" on my tomb stone....

2010-09-30T17:06:00.000-05:00

So fellow cancer fans...
I went to the dentist today and she fit my with a bite splint Unfortunately it is cutting my lip. After that was my first workout. Then I came home and took my chemo.....wait for it....

Then they called and told me that my platelets are low 76. OOPS
Well whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Anyway, I have been writing this blog as a guide to other cancer patients as to how it feels to actively go thru cancer. If anyone else got brain cancer and they went thru what I went thru and this guide helps them even a little bit better about having this terminal disease, then I have accomplished my goal.

Teresa was always asking me "What message are you trying to convey?" Well Teresa above is your answer.

I spoke with my friend of over 13 years and I still care deeply for Daniel m, we saved each others lives when we were 16.

My husband and sisters and assorted other people have been invaluable to me during this exp. And I am a changed woman if you think I am inspirational take a good long look in the mirror. You are my inspiration and support and I thank you for standing by me.

Love you all, and barring an act of higher power I will be here for years to come.

News

2010-09-21T07:57:00.000-05:00

To everyone that has supported us in the Brain Tumor Walk....THANK YOU!!!!!
So yesterday I saw my oncologist and she said that the edema has gone gone down enough to allow them the see the scar tissue and DORMANT cancer cells. Mike was angry when I told him about the cancer cells and I attempted to explain they are dormant. He was in no mood to hear it bc he is irked about something else, anyway he called Vanessa and she alleviated his fears and clarified the information for him.

He thought they got it ALL out and I told him that it was On TOP of my movement center so they couldn't possibly have re-sectioned the entire thing, otherwise I would be bedridden unable to speak or do absolutely anything for myself. He says what is afraid of is it coming back more aggressive and resistant to treatment and I will leave this world. I told him that WILL happen there is No avoiding it, the only thing we can do is make the most of our time here together. We hope it doesn't come back for years as in plural we would like to have at least 1 year with no tumor worries. Is that so much to ask?
It isn't me that is worried or scared or any other negative emotion. I am simply waiting.

My motto: Expect the worst and hope for the best. (That way you cannot be disappointed)

New View

2010-08-30T10:54:00.001-05:00

Hello again to all of you that are following me,

So Michael and I were discussing what is different from before the surgery: here is what we came up with

The night terrors are GONE, bye-bye, poof

I no longer wake up in the middle of the night screaming or crying or striking out viciously as if to ward of some unseen assailant. Gone are the nights of nightmares about my previous life before the surgery. While Snarla was a resident she gave me night terrors I believe they started '01. You see actually '01 she (Snarla) started to grow which in turn started to affect me and my behavior. But it was so so slow growing and such subtle changes that doctors misdiagnosed me with all sorts of different psychiatric disorder however 1 single thing was consistent: ADHD SEVERE HYPERACTIVTY. Why did they not do an MRI? Because I had one....when I was 8.

Instead of shying away from touch I appreciate it.
Those two things have majorly changed my life and outlook on life. I have been reading Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, World Renowned Thanatologist (Expert on the dying process) she states a dying person needs touch to stay alive to give them a reason to fight like hell to survive. It is a fact that infants need to hear their mother breathing and caring touch to grow into a happy, mentally healthy child. I am warming up to hugging and being hugged in return.

I like finding out peoples life stories and learning from them. I enjoy putting those lessons to work.

I will never forget this: There was a Jamaican Nurse while I was at MD ANDERSON, she was on nights. She was my favorite nurse because she reached out to me like none of the other nurses did.

For example: one night she heard me crying, I did not call her, she came in anyway just to see what was going on,and if there was anything wrong. There was a guy on HOUSE having a seizure and I was bawling because I know exactly how painful that type of seizure is. It frightened me to my very core. She comforted me and stayed with me until I calmed down; which was was a considerable amt of time for a nurse to stay with a patient. She told me stories, which I partly learned to speak from. She spoke about how lucky I am to have Michael. She spoke of her home and her kids and all about her life. I, as a patient was honored that she chose to share this information with me. Mind you, this stay was over Thanksgiving so she was on duty and missed thanksgiving dinner with her family. That Thanksgiving I was thankful to have her to lean on.

People in hospitals need to take a step out of their roles as doctors and nurses to be sympathetic or empathetic to the patient. That is what Nurse Jamaica did even visitors were allowed and especially when no visitors were allowed.

I am planning to put everything that I have learned through cancer and my whole life toward hospice or hospital patients.

just trying to get the word out......

2010-07-25T15:50:00.000-05:00

Michael, Amy, Laura C, and I have created a team for the DFW Brain Tumor Walk at Trinity Park in Ft. Worth (http://www.braintumorcommunity.org/site/PageServer?pagename=BTW_TX_Homepage) no November 6th. I was wondering if anyone is interested in joining the team. What would be required to join is the following:

Be willing to raise at least $350 in donations from friends, family, and co-workers.
Pay a $50 registration fee (not sure if this counts to the donation goal).
Put up a personal web page (if you want).
Show up at Trinity Park on November 6th, between 8 and 9 am, rain or shine.
Walk 5k (or not, you don't have to) and enjoy the festivities afterward.
If you can't make it but you still want to be a part of the team, you can become a Virtual Walker (all the responsibilities, but no walking).

If interested, please reply to me. I'll get back to you later.

If you can't do it, no problem. I'll be contacting you for a donation later.

Take care,
Mike

sweet Freedom

2010-07-13T10:22:00.000-05:00

SO today I made it 29. I could not have done it without the prayers and positive vibes being sent my way. I would also like to thank The Most loving, supportive, dependable husband in the entire world. Michael If it weren't for you....... You know the rest.

SO when Dr fink told me I should sign up for a driving evaluation I forgot to ask if I could ride a bike. I called the Driving evaluation place and it will be on sept 26. I just called and asked if I could ride a bike and they said it was up to us and as long as I can balance and wear a helmet. The guy that did my physical therapy said I had better balance than any other patient he had seen. And since I have accepted the fact that I won't be able to drive now, I am glad. That gives Teresa and I enough time to get me ready to drive.

The point is that My Husband and I are going to purchase a bike for my birthday!! I feel like a child, getting so enthusiastic about a bike but it will allow me to get some freedom.

Anyway My next MRI is the 24th and I meet with Dr. Fink the following Monday. SO I will keep you posted!

the rest of my life

2010-06-21T11:09:00.000-05:00

The 2nd MRI came back clean!!!! And I still haven't vomited but I am REALLY Fatigued. Anyway, I want to let everyone that has prayed for me THANK YOU!!!! I got a card from an entire congregation in arksas. I haveo drive again I am going to the nursing home and let them know that I would like to volunteer...in any way possible. I am thinking of volunteering for hospice I mean I did it once before and they gave me a pt that NO ONE else could take he had skin cancer and it had eaten awy his entire nose and tongue and because every one gasped in horror when they saw him so I had A priest meet me and introduce me to him and he explained Just how bad it was and so I said OK. They said he was happiest toward the end of his life than they had ever seen. I think I am being called to hospice care.
I read another cancer survivors story and how she felt like I do and I thought about what I was going to do to fill my time when I am able to drive. That and the one I saw on the woman who has survived cancer and became an artist I saw that on the news. I have a Parade magazine that I found yesterday that is dedicated to Cancer in America.

Anyway, THANK YOU PEOPLE that are praying for me. keep on keeping on.

my morning

2010-06-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

So I went to speech therapy and had a seizure in the waiting room then I had 2 more with her holding me. she called Fink and she said GO TO THE ER!!!
So I went in at 9 and just got home at 215. how is your day..

I am walking

2010-06-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

as Most of u know, they TRIPLED my chemo. More fatigued everyday but I try to take Indy down To Jamba Juice and get an energizing drink, then walk back KABLAM!!!!!!!! In yo face doubter mcdoubterson...That is 2 thats righ two MILES There is a wise woman mary manasse Mother Of Daniel Mannasse: "I say I are gonna do it and people say YOU CANT." I say F you watch me.

Direct quote.

lots of news

2010-06-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

loop: I had an MRI last saturday then went to dr Fink to see what the results were THE SECOND CLEAN MRI. have not decrisped enough for her to tell any more info. They tripled my chemo dose and that is curious considering they havenot seen anything for the last 2 months. I guess it is designed to really get in there and fight with whats left of Snarla (f ing biatch) you want to tangle with the Andrea Jordan-Garramone? Bring it!!!!!

there is a first time for evrything

2010-05-28T10:42:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you a story: A woman just getti ng back from speech therapy. she is completely BUCK NAKED when she goes and looks thru the peep hole. I though it was Jenni Lomberdi a memeber of our church. So she runs upstairs frintic to find something to put on eventually she chose a bathing suit cover. As she hurried back downstairs her dogs going APE she threw them outside and after a scurry checked the peephole agin just 2 old women. I opened the door and asked "Are you jenni lomebardi?" she replied , "we are jehovas witnesses."

FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE Those people knocked on my door and there is baptist church down the road and it is a very jewish neighborhood and there is a MONK and buddhist temple next door.

Grey Matters

2010-05-25T16:24:00.000-05:00

child hood. trauma emotional scarring that never heals btw...and that 5 yr old grew up to have brain cancer. My luck I will go into remission then die from a bird flying into my head at full speed. I have decided firmly that 10% of the profit on ANY of my art goes to Grey Matters. My support group. Feel free to donate.

may 2010

2010-05-25T12:32:00.000-05:00

Shrink says Stop feeling like a victim.
I now garden and paint.
Can't go back to the state and I knew that the minute they said abnormal mri that it was not only malignant but what grandmama and ches have.
Its 2010i just went through radiation and my next mri is this saturday. 6/1/10 is the appt To go over the results.
And check my peripheral vision clear to drive?
I went for the test to tell where I am mentally. They are going to let my brain 12-18 mos until we can really say I'm in remission.
I had an auditory halucination i heard mike say She Is Dead. My pt is I was frozen in fear for a second before i woke up scared as hades. I realized I need to get my driving priviliges and go out. even if my radius is 5 miles.

my art

2010-05-23T17:16:00.002-05:00

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=155231&id=511373616&l=2fae0cd90c

everything

2010-05-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you if you do not like LONG blogs leave now.

this sux yeah i;m not denying it...
My shrink said to me STOP BEING A VICTIM because I was OBSESSED with death. Any way I was fuming at her but she was right. Couple days later while pulling weeds (Oliver that is how I am getting better physically.
She also said not eating is pseudosuicide. I AM N O T MY MOTHER. This Tumor will rip me physically limb from limb but I would not do anything to consciosly hurt myself.
Mike introduced me to protein bars. wherever you see me you can guaranteed protein bar is not far be hind.
I find my days slipping by happily thanks to the park . I am Using the meditation techniqe the Monk across the street taught me.
Painting when it is rainy at park if it is a pretty day. physically i find I find I am slowly becoming more coordinated. I can dance like move my feet real fast and not fall down.left over right vice versa.
btw My hair is growing back it is not growing wher the plate is but everywhere else.

ePIPHANY / REMEMBERING

2010-05-04T18:05:00.000-05:00

so you need to know me and a wee bit of background, I talk about Death ALL THE TIME! Not kidding and I know how to turn ANY convo to about death.

One day a person from my supprt group gave me pam abernathy s # I called and we set up an apppt mike qwent witgh me she told me flatly in front of mike Her precise words were:"stop making yourself a victim." stop obsesssing about death it is gonna happpen to us all and we are living onb the other hand you are walking dead. I was mad at her of course and I did not think she was nice but it took me about a week and I stopped being mad and started to think. stop obsessing about death and obsess how I am gonnna get through this and on to the next hurdle. I felt like a weight was lifted

Holy crap I have been at the park since 11 am and it is now 6pm. Time for meds and bed. My other goal is to wear myself out every day. I want my muscles back they've atrophied badly so I garden and paint since I cannot get to the gym and since I can't drive I take my dogs to the park on the corner. I met pastor Jeremy he was nice and gave me free reign. SCORE!!!!!!!!!
I can paint while the dogs run around. YAY

Dave Matthews Band eery how correct

2010-04-26T16:25:00.002-05:00

Lying in the park on a beautiful day
Sunshine in the grass, and the children play
Siren’s passing, fire engine red
Someone’s house is burning down on a day like this

The evening comes and we’re hanging out
On the front step and a car rolls by with the windows rolled down
And that war song is playing, “why can’t we be friends?”
Someone is screaming and crying in the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
Somebody’s going hungry and someone else is eating out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in your lovers kiss
Like a pretty bird on a breeze or water to a fish
A bomb blast brings a building crashing to the floor
You hear the laughter while the children play war

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me
It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small, remember how it used to be
With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

Watch the sky, the jet planes, so far out of my reach
Is there someone up there looking down on me?
Boy chase a bird, so close but every time
He’ll never catch her, but he can’t stop trying

Funny the way it is, if you think about it
One kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
On a soldier’s last breath his baby’s being born
Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s broken heart becomes your favorite song
Funny the way it is, if you think about it
A kid walks 10 miles to school, another’s dropping out

Standing on a bridge, watch the water passing under me
It must’ve been much harder when there was no bridge just water
Now the world is small, remember how it used to be
With mountains and oceans and winters and rivers and stars

how I became what I am now

2010-04-26T15:11:00.000-05:00

If you told me 5 yrs ago that I would be marrired with A life threatening illness and that I would have undergone an AWAKE craniotomy. I....well quite simply I would be afraid of you.

Used to work for the Department of Aging and Disability Services. Started tripping more and falling down in fact it got to where I would fall everyday. But it was the extreme nausea and the vomiting in the midmorning that made me go to the doctor. Sharon had sent me home.

I confessed to the doc that my head was constantly hurting and it was just something I had learned to live with. That caused him to order an MRI. Due to the fact that maternal Grandmother and Maternal cousin have brain cancer. ches and I have anaplstic astrocytoma, his is on the right, mine is on the left both of us it is in our frontal lobe. Grandmama opted to have surgery to remove her GBM (on the left side) to extend her life a measley few months. What can I say I want quality (I'll be a bigger burden if I get paralyzed in my right side) Not quantity and the only reason I did the surgery is because Dr. Fredrick Lang was a smooth talker and a quality surgeon. Now My brain has fully switched from left to right. and now I am tapping into my creative side.

Let the de-crisping process continue

Natasha Bedingfield

2010-04-26T10:25:00.002-05:00

"Happy"

Ooh.. Oooooohhh.
Landlords Knocking at my door cussing me out
Got laid off my job the night before
Can’t figure how
I’m gonna fix tomorrow away
If today’s still a mess
Can u tell me what’s the point man,
It all seems meaningless
I wish that I could step away and breathe
This world’s trying to swallow me
Clear away the clouds inside my head

[Chorus:]
Someone just tell me
That it’s ok now
What are you worried about

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

People lie, people hide, people cry, people fight

And they don’t know why
If fear is all that we should fear
Then what are we so afraid of
Cause fear is only in our heads

Someone please say...

[Chorus]

Any day ill go bad thinking bad
Everyone is against me and the world wants to fight me
Preparing to battle an enemy unseen
During my stressing I’m blinded to the lesson
That could be a blessing if Id be confessing that the enemy
I’m trying to beatis hiding inside of me

But it’s ok now...what are you worrying about...

[Chorus]

Keep your grind on girl...it’s your love, it’s your world... [Repeat 2x]

[Chorus]

why is cancer a 4 letter word? I mean it has6 letters

2010-04-24T20:33:00.000-05:00

from birth we are all immediately start dying. so when you get a debilitating such as I have you contemplate alot of things.
1 I have NO regrets
2 going int this with a positive attitude
3 drs assure me......

what do they assure me of? in addition to Keppra they put me on Lamictal. the pain isn't too terribly bad...of course I have just taken a half a valium so I block out the parts that are to painfull. some require one coat of forget other things (Seizure) I don't think I will ever totally forget but it is taking more coats than moms death. Of course I was a 5-6 yr old then and now I am 28 suffering from cancer..not just any cancer I have the uber deadly left frontal lobe tumor. at least when ches found out it was like thank god it is not on his left side.

My question is when do you stop fighting and just give in. thoughts of death especially with the leigh tragedy. I can definately PROMISE THAT I WILL NOT TAKE MY LIFE that is the ultimate selfish gesture. I see it as you giving the finger to evryone that cares for you. And NO I don't want to do that.

I am thankful for those of you that take time to read my ramblings.

2 Leigh Norred Pope R I P

2010-04-21T20:24:00.001-05:00

murdered by her own brother. leaving behind a 3week old baby and a husband. How could someone do that?
THATS WRONG!!!!!!!!!
But alas if not for grief stricken when else do we talk to that chick we used to know from high school? Or that person you met right at the end of college or those relationships that were too tedious to keep up with? Yes when they die all the coulda, woulda, shoulda, comes out. but its not the why ytou should be worried about. death is the ultimate peace. She is watching over baby haley just like a mother should this means that baby Haley is going to have a blessed life. Everything thing that happens there IS a reason. why didn't this happen before leigh had haley?? why now? why was this child robbed of her birth mother? this child is going to have rough go but she will change the world.
Blessed be. Be at rest Leigh Norred Pope.

The Definition of a BAD Neighbor

2010-04-11T18:11:00.000-05:00

Ok so we have these neighbors that leave their yippie little dogs outside all day and don't bring them in until 11 at night. Our neighbor accused us of being the creator or holder of these ROTTEN dogs. But I raised sasha and Indy better than that. The only time they will bark is if they are meeting a brand new person or on their walk or in petsmart. In the house and in the backyard a stern look from me and perhaps one NO. they DON"T bark.

However in our neighbors case that is not so. WHY ON EARTH DO YOU OWN DOGS IN A PLACE WHERE THERE IS NO BACKYARD. THEN LEAVE YOUR DOGS OUTSIDE ALL DAY AND NIGHT. Warning: the rest of us (without noisy flippin yippy dogs) are filing a formal complaint. And since you don't read this I hope your dogs get you kicked out.
I am ripping angry because my neighbor flat out accused indy and sasha of being noisy in the back at 130......well lady unless they teleported out of their kennels and then back in before we got home at 2. Freaking LIAR. She has had it out for sasha since we got her.

Helpful tip for accusing your neaighbor and getting away with it.
1) Make sure they are at home when you are going to SAY you heard their dog barking.

I haven't gotten that upset in months. Cross me or MIke shame on you but cross our dogs and I will go nutso.

in my head ther is a monster waiting to attack again (to the tune of cranberries 'In your head')

2010-04-08T20:58:00.000-05:00

So Mike and I talked it over and as my brain cools from the burning and is adjusting to the poison we speculate that I am at 70/100%
Dr N told me I was at 80%. but that was before the radiation. I get to have a neuropsych evaluation to see if (well I'll put it bluntly) I am brain damaged and deficient for life and what I need to work on as far as speech therapy, OT & PT.

Anyway I just can't get enough of that rabbits ..... filter.....
Paul told me to be friends with the nausea. Eat stuff that tastes just as good coming back up as it does goin down. He recommended gummy bears. Even though I haven't vomited I have heard that oral chemo in some ways makes you as sick if not sicker than IV chemo. Hell, IT'S POISON PEOPLE. Wouldn"t that be messed up if it didn't make you sick. That would mean its not working or you got a bad batch. Anyway my point is they are having me swallow a poison pill for 12 weeks of of the year. That is 60 doses.

Oh yeah one more thing you can absolutely look forward to after you have a craniotomy and have a titanium plate put in your head, YOU WILL HEAR RANDOM CLICKING FOR THE REST OF NATURAL LIFE.

So I am trying to come to terms that my life will NEVER be the same now that I am deficient. Mike lovingly said I had slowed down. Physically yes but my mind still goes fast. If my mind gets too far ahead of my mouth the words get jammed up in my throat and I stutter/splutter them out. This has produced a severe stutter like the one I had when I had the first seizures. ALso It is how I talked right after mom died. Went to speech therapy for that as well so Theresa could tell that i had training evn though I cannot remember it.

whew!!! deep breath, steady...be friends with the naseau

2010-04-06T10:26:00.000-05:00

Well Folks,
I forgot to take my meds last night until mike woke up and asked if I was alright, he said I had been tremoring for the last 10 minutes, I don't know what that means but I told him as best I could to get my meds as I had forgotten to take them. He ran downstairs and got them then helped me up it was a a considerable effort on both parties as I was weak and was holding meds.
I felt like I was on the verge of a grand Mal seizure. Because my pulse was fast and I was having significant trouble speaking.
Anyway I couldn't stop tremoring so I took a bath.....NOT A GOOD IDEA. I regained my senses and got out of the tub and went into the guest bedroom All I could think was I was cold, so I cut the heat down.
I am getting nauseous more often. I think I talked to Ches & Beth yesterday.

"That's all I Got how'd you like that" (Kelli Rasberry; of the Kidd Kraddick Morning show)

ain't insomnia grand

2010-04-01T01:28:00.000-05:00

Holy bleeeeeeep I am Sick of not being able to sleep for more than like 2-4 hours at one time.
Which doesn't have a segeway to the fact that I asked to let my dogs out in the park up the street. He said KIDS are not allowed in here. I am going to rake it and weed it It has some weird spiky weed I think it lodges itself pretty deep like onions.
For this I need gardening gloves and basically a gardening start up kit.

headaches

2010-03-27T06:50:00.000-05:00

It is nights like last night that make me grateful I have Mike.
It was 330 and I woke up with what felt like a sinus headache. Well it got worse and worse until the pain was at a 7 and it was coming in waves and showing no sign of stopping. Mike fed me a zofran bc the pain was making me nauseus and 1000 mg tylenol and one single percocet. I felt like SHIT!!!! And AImee is here. I considered going to the hospital but it would just be a bunch of waiting and getting poked and then them giving me morphine and sending me on my way. So we looked at the book that stephanie gave us and decided to wait it out. Mike had to put me in the sleep trap and let me be alone bc I was thrashing around the bed like a wet dog.
I mean it was all over the right side then it settled behing my eye and it came in crashing waves. Once one was done I would brace myself for another and surely as the sun will rise it came This went on for about and hour before I fell into an exhausted sleep. I will tell a doctor maybe they can tell me what it was.

so excited!!!!

2010-03-26T04:47:00.000-05:00

This wknd the agenda is: dancing and painting with Aimee Noth. Mike said we could paint the creative room!!! SO we are going to home depot to get supplies, then we are going to have a painting party. I haven't had one ever before; so this should be interesting.

Prayers for Amber Joy Schemerhorn (AA left lobe came back she has a 10 yr old son) 5 yrs clean. Her blog is connected for all to read.

That ol' cliche'

2010-03-25T06:36:00.000-05:00

You know how people say "I need a vacation from my vacation...."
I am back in Dallas fresh of the boat from Ga. While I was there I saw a whole mess of family, too many to name. But I ate well courtesy of my aunt Beths wonderful cooking. My favorite part was the boat ride...even though it WORE me out.
It was a delight to meet Stephanie (My cousin with BT on the right FLobes') wife. I don't know if I explained that properly.

And of course saw Dad&Fran, Grandaddy, Aunt Mardi, Aunt Cheryl, Uncle Keith, Aunt Bobanne, Uncle Charlie and cousin Garner and his wife....
Saw a bunch of pictures. Figured out I like to garden and paint. Gardening is more when I am frustrated task though. Whereas painting is peaceful.

I came home One day early b/c I was out of my Keppra (seizure control meds). I was worried about the cabin pressure in the plane triggering a seizure, Thank GOD that did not happen. I would not only be in pain, but I'd be trapped in this house for ANOTHER 6 Months. Treatment I can take, being caged is not. I want to be a functional part of this relationship. April 21....just a few more weeks.

Aimee Noth is coming into town as my last vacation guest before I start my oral chemo. Lets see I want to go dancing on Friday. Then paint the rest of the wknd, relax, enjoy each others company.

Alexander the Great (Beths' 88 lb 10 month old "puppy") was hurt on his back leg from running right in front of the golf cart (He won't do that again) then got his paw stuck in the locked screen door and scared all of us. It must have been a sight to see 3 people sprinting for a dog that was crying. It was my and Alexs' fault I locked the door and he was chasing a cat, so technically he learned an albeit painful lesson but one he won't forget.

Oh yeah I figured out here I developed a taste for meat, egg, cheese, breakfast sandwiches...Uncle Keith.

Came back and the house is a wreck, the maids are worthless and we pay them $140 to come 2x a month. I want to let them go and pocket the cash but Mike disagrees. I acquiese, when I am tired they are useful. Though it doesn't help that I am a psycho neatnick now after the operation. If I were able to drive I would go to the store and get all sorts of cleaning supplies.

"That's all I got, How'd you like that?" (Kelli Rasberry; Kidd Kraddick morning radio show)

deep thoughts

2010-03-18T10:06:00.000-05:00

life is a phase of existence and we (our energy) exist forever. It is a law Newtons 3rd law "Energy can neither be created nor destroyed." Therefore we not our synapses that stop firing upon "death" Move on into another energy form.
This is the part where it is important. Whether you camoe back immediately in like five seconds is not up to you it is up to your actions in this life. karma is a Rotten Bitch I once wished death upon another person and now I ve got brain cancer and I KNOW i am mortal.

SOuls are immortal and a particular soul can follow a person around They are guardian angels. I will be Mikes guardian angel or he will be mine. I firmly believe that my soul and my sisters soul have had a close relationship before and we are not soulmates but more like our souls enjoy each others company. My soul has found Mikes' soul before we will travel together for as long as this ride goes on.

"That's all I got, How'd you like that!" (Kelli Rasberry (Kidd Kraddick morning show))

absent minded ramblings of a dain bramaged chicky doodle

2010-03-18T09:44:00.000-05:00

http://www.cheapjoes.com/store/cart.asp?t=viewcart

ugh the wants, not needs, but wants. I have to wonder if this is just a phase or will I be artsy like this from now on. Hell, They fried my brain Like an egg....we will see what happens. I have a chemo lesson In a couple hours. I am supposed to be there at 1145. I can never draw that little cube.

I think my fine motor skills have gone poof. I can name SOOOO many many things that I could not physically do. doctor lawyer pple may not even take me seriously as a social worker. I don't want to volunteer, I want to contribute, not be Mikes "burden". Sell my art? is the only thing I can think of to do but the art supplies are so expensive and it could just be a phase. SOmething is only worth what someone else is willing to pay for it (quoting fran...i think) And that could be good..for me.

I just mix colors around and am experimenting, I am letting my art evolve on its own. Then I can look back in 20 years and say Look at that..........

artsy and vacay

2010-03-18T08:50:00.001-05:00

Hello all,

Our dog Sashsa has begun nipping us uhoh. Hubby shaved and then asked for praise. If you want to see my creative outlet go to my facebook page.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=155231&id=511373616&l=2fae0cd90c

Tomorrow I am flying to south carolina where it is supposed to be a "relaxing" time. But here is the reality I have BRAIN cancer and am in the early stage of treatment the prognosis is good but people associate cancer=death.

Grandaddy is 92 yrs old and his wife died recently also My cousin died while I was in treatment and I havent seen their graves. care and grave seeing, such is life with a huge family. my aunt is laid up after her hip replacement so there is another relative down.

remember brain cancer KILLS. but I have an appt with Dr Fink today at 1145

realizations Or epiphany, if you will....

2010-03-10T19:27:00.000-06:00

I* feel my brain going all creative on me. I realize now. that I hate television. Even the shows I watch I am sick of them. So I created a room today. Pics are on fb.

Teresa go look at them and tell me how wonderful I am doing. Make sure oliver and david see them too.

Dogs are good company to keep, peaceful, playful, but above all peace.

Which brings me to HOW I am Feeling:
happy
creative
peaceful
carefree

Word of the day:
TRANQUIL AND SERENE

creative outlet? FOUND IT!!!

2010-03-10T08:14:00.000-06:00

I made a pseudo studio for the arts. I am not into crafts but I listen to music and paint I like top call it expressing free painting. I am not ever going to make any money off them But I do enjoy them. I refound my LOVE LOVE LOVE of dancing. That is originally how I knew I needed to go see a doctor...I lost my stamina for dancing. That and the getting nauseus at work and vomiting on the ground outside a clients house. ewwwww

I hung my radiotherapy mask up as a testament for all I have come through.
I hang scarfs on it and dance with the scarfs. Right side, uncoordinated? NONONO!!!!! I am as coordinated as ever and I think I gained more moves. thank you for the upgrades DR Lang. Dr Fink I am depending on you bc I trust you. Gaining muscle due to belly dancing alone in my house ALL DAY. I had a kicking tummy before cancer now I want it back.
Amber we love you so much and we are all behind you to kick that spider out of your head!

creative outlet

2010-03-08T13:50:00.000-06:00

So I am trying to figure myself out....after the lobe was removed (excuse me, tumor in the frontal left lobe to be exact).

I have nothing to do and cannot drive so I clean to Valaries standards. I mean Miike came home and the kitchen is spotless. And he said I could "paint the tape in the storage room". Wild and wicked right. So I am wondering if I will follow through on this or go flat. I don't know.

Does anyone know how acrylic paint works?

To a person that has all my respect.

2010-03-06T16:52:00.001-06:00

Thank you, not only For forgiving me but the things you taught me. It has kept me struggling at the worst of times when I just wanted to give up hope. Another person recently came into my life that deserves acknowledgment as well. Jackie from Jamba Juice. Coming back fro from radiation (where I collapsed with very low blood pressure I had not eaten anything in a week) Dr Nedzi said to me you are wasting away, now it is your JOB to eat.
Mike pushed to go to JJ and I got a peanut butter smoothie (1500 calories)
Gradually my sense of smell started coming back and my sense of taste. Yup you lose all that with radiation to the brain..yikes.
I cannot thank Mike enough for getting me through this first hurdle. It feels like every day is Russian roulette will I wake up feeling good or nasty.

That is why I wanted to thank you. I go into the spa that I filled with candles every morning and soak in a warm tub and listen to Enya. So thank you. I will always love you thank you for forgiving me. I will not ever see you again but you taught me many life lessons and I am glad I had you in my life at some point.

feeling normal

2010-03-05T09:41:00.001-06:00

feel great!!!!! Unfortunately an noticing some major personality changes, for the good. I am now a neat freak Now I don't know if that is just causeI am stuck in the house and bored, but I find pleasure in cleaning. Keeping an immaculate house keeps the chaos from creeping in.

Scans look good I get the monthe of March off I have a temodor lesson on the 18, at 1 oclock. Then I am going to SC to see my Aunt and Uncle then Keith is gonna fly us out to see my 93 yr old grandaddy whose wife died while I was in treatment. Also I am going to see my cousins grave who also died while I was in treatmeant. 22 what a waste....

Thats all for now. Feel free to call to alleviate my boredom.

BTW this house is Frans' Valaries' Connie vaugnhs' and last but most certainly Marriannes' dream clean.

Lambert the sheepish lion

2010-03-03T14:06:00.002-06:00

one of my favorites
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRtKAQJUc3g

now I get it

2010-03-03T11:12:00.001-06:00

I hve it so good with all of the support and march is break time/spring cleanin. I know that chaos in your house begets chaos in you life And i understand the tendancey for everything to reach for chaos.

But I am keeping the house clean myself and am learning.

2010-03-01T13:27:00.000-06:00

listening to :
rain: Hey, Soul Sister

Heeey, Heeeeey, Heeeeeey.

Your lipstick stains, on the front lobe of my left side brains,
I knew I wouldn't forget ya, and so I went and let you blow my mind.

Your sweet moon-beam, the smell of you in every single dream I dream.
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided,
Who's one of my kind.

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight.

Heeey Heeeeey Heeeeeey...

Just in time, I´m so glad you have a one-track mind like me.
You gave my life direction,
A game show love connection, we can't deny...

I´m so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.
I believe in you, like a virgin you're Madonna,
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind...

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight,

Way you can cut a rug,
Watching you's the only drug I need.
So gangster, I'm so thug,
You're the only one I'm dreaming of you see.
I can be myself now finally,
In fact there's nothing I can't be,
I want the world to see you be, with me,

Hey, Soul Sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo,
The way you move ain't fair you know.
Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight...

Hey, Soul Sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you dooooo...
Tonight.
Heeey, Heeeeey, Heeeeeey, tonight.
Heeey, Heeeeey, Heeeeeey.
Tonight.

Now if I did that right you should recognize it if you don't it train and it is catchy the lyrics the way you can cut a rug lalala

happy happy hAPPY !!!!!

how in love am I?

2010-03-01T07:31:00.000-06:00

Well lets see Mike is the one consistent that has made this tolerable. Through All the treatments and alls the necessary and unnecessary ER visits, through it all; he NEVER ONCE left my side. Thank you mike, my husband my love of my life, which thanks to you I will continue living and loving you.

lets take a trip down memory lane shall we

2010-02-28T21:35:00.000-06:00

In the beginning When the docs told me it was ana astrocytoma I immediately referenced that to the Farscapr episode when Chrichton is having scorpius chip taken out of his head. I just want this to be chronicled for my book if I ever can force myself to do it. I mean who in their right mind would would Hire someone evan with VAST experience in counseling like personal shit that happened to me and then I live through brain cancer. And a BA in psychology hahahaha ironic much??? The Odds are in my favor. I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!
If there is anyone else out there that feels like this i want your advice. No sympathy people, the word is EMPATHY if you've been thrtough it not if you watched someone gothrough it I watched and I knew but now I understand and have developed EMPATHY.

So who votes what I should do with my radiation mask. these are all my mike and I came up with these ideas

1. mount it on the wall
2.attach it to my face for halloween
3.

love to hear from you

as i go about the day...

2010-02-28T12:18:00.000-06:00

i am constantly running an inner monologue and it a blog but i don't write it all down. jeez this is frustrating. the waiting, I mean not the actual cancery cancer monster. Though that part freaks me out a little. I am doing my best to get back to "mormal crap

can't type.
est to get back to "normal" but whats normal any way? that took a while to get back in order.

I now have an excuse for being an airhead. HEHE
brain freeze hurts twice as much with half brain.

new life

2010-02-27T18:26:00.000-06:00

So I have been thinking alot about what to do now. I have a vast experience in many many areas including lobe damage. I know and understand how that feels. But I have gotten through it all with help from you guys.
Thank you so much.

I have gotten strong enough to exercise my dogs now and I miss working, I mean I don't miss my brain being taxed but I do miss wanting to tax my brain.
I made a dog run in the storage above the garage and run the dogs around it with a laser pointer... they get the advantage of exercise but not challenging. Am I amused by the laser light? No, it gets boring after a while. But the dogs are a hoot to watch.

Just ramble, that feels nice. As Valencia Whaley in high school told me "Just float..."

Mikes home and he said "I was just called Mr. Jordan. I said No nono cal me by my FULL name Michael Jordan" It reminded me that my email is ae jordan23.

Now if you are in my head that is funny.

whats going to happen now

2010-02-26T08:43:00.000-06:00

hello all,

To all my readers of this blog near and far. There are not meny of you who do this faithfully and for your dedication I am grateful. It has kept me going even when I dropped to 99 lbs and was told by dr N that I was "Wasting away".
There is this chick Jackie who is manager at Jamba Juise on Frankfort and Preston. Drop by and tell I'm feeling great cause her smoothies are wicked fatty. In a 16oz peanut butter mood 1000-1500 calories.

I am 107and a half. Yes trhe half is important.

Truth is, I feel like the past six weeks I have been an alien experiment. Poked and proded and frun through the gammit of whats fine whats not fine it hurts makes me weak sux your energy period.

So on to what happens now. Mri Monday 9 am which amy is taking me to. Tuesday Mike is taking a half day to take me to se Dr. Fink. Now dr fink is more than likely going to take the scan and tell me we have to wait for the radiation to settle before she can tell us what to expect. I guess I wil get another scan in early April and we will see where we are. LIL nervous... but I get a wahole MONTH off!!!! from treatment

Graduated from radiation!!!

2010-02-25T17:58:00.000-06:00

graduated from radiation. today is the first day of the rest of my life. I know its cheesy but you cannot understand how this feels unless you've been through it.
I can attach this feeling to hiding in a hloe and finally seeing the light. Being poked and proded through the whole ordeal was noxious. See I don't know if I spelled that right and I don't care. All I know is today I got to sleep late and tomorrow though not promised I will wake up late, like at 9am. But the thing is I wonder how I am going to feel after 3 days instead of 2 days break. What can I expect as I embark on this rollercoaster ride.

what makes me so strong why have I come so far and still feel empathy for others. At least I am not jaded. Still waiting for my energy to return though i hope they yanked out the adhd. Now who am I?

"That's all I've got How did you like that?",(Kellie Rasberry "Kidd Kraddick Morning show")

Did not create it just copied and pasted

2010-02-24T18:14:00.000-06:00

Sikhs believe that every creature has a Soul; on death, the Soul is passed from one body to another until Liberation. The journey of the Soul is governed by the deeds and actions that we perform during our lives. If we perform good deeds and actions and remember the Creator, we attain a better life. On the contrary, if we carry out evil actions and sinful deeds, we will be incarnated in “lower” life forms – snakes, lions, zebra, monkeys, hippopotamus etc. The person who has evolved to spiritual perfection attains salvation – union with God.^{[citation needed]}
The Karmas of a person will definitely have their effect, both good and bad. No worldly power can change the course of their movement. But according to the Sikh thought, the Almighty God, with his Grace, may pardon the wrongs of a person and thus release him/her from the pangs of suffering.^[24] Reincarnation, simply stated, is the law of cause and effect: reincarnation does not create any caste or differences among people: past and present life's actions simply have a bearing upon a specific individual. Reincarnation in no way makes one superior to another.

Medical Marijuana pros and cons

2010-02-10T08:07:00.000-06:00

If you support this which would bring money to the state put your name and date at the bottom. send back to me Forward to everyone you know.

Pro: Fund Crime—or Taxes?

by Stephen Easton, the Fraser Institute

To understand the future, sometimes we have to look in the rearview mirror. The current prohibition on marijuana consumption exactly parallels the 1920s alcohol prohibition.
Every year, a widely consumed illegal substance makes potential criminals of millions and actual criminals of hundreds of thousands. And like booze during Prohibition, this substance, marijuana, is the easy revenue of organized crime, contributing tens of billions of dollars to growers, who commit a variety of bad acts both at home and abroad.
How much money is made from this single illegal substance? In fairness, nobody knows for sure. "Illegal" means that hard data are hard to come by. However, we do know that there are anywhere from 25 million to 60 million U.S. consumers (depending on how likely survey respondents are to tell the whole truth), and at an average cost of $5 per cigarette, factoring in one per day for each user, total spending on marijuana may add up to $45 billion to $110 billion a year.
What about possible tax revenue? From Canada we’ve learned that the production cost of (government-sponsored) marijuana is roughly 33¢ a gram. Currently, U.S. marijuana consumers pay at least $10 per gram retail for illegal marijuana. If the cost of retailing and distribution is the same as for legal tobacco cigarettes, about 10¢ a gram, then selling the (legal) product at exactly the same prices as on the street today ($10 per gram) could raise $40 billion to $100 billion in new revenue. Not chump change. Government would simply be transferring revenue from organized crime to the public purse.
It is a proven technology. We did it in 1933 when Prohibition ended. Should we get back to the future?

Con: A False Economy

by Bob Stutman, the Stutman Group

Gee, how about collecting taxes from legalized marijuana as a way of helping to deal with the deficit? Sounds great. Doesn’t work.
There are about 170 million users of alcohol in the U.S. and 16 million users of marijuana. This 10-to-1 ratio is because alcohol is legal and marijuana is not. If we legalize marijuana, everyone (even anti-prohibitionists) agrees we will have far more users. Ooooh, just think of all that revenue. Except we already have a working model for a legal intoxicant we collect taxes for. Let’s see how well that works:
The latest studies show that the U.S. collects about $8 billion yearly in taxes from alcohol. The problem is, the total cost to the U.S. in 2008 due to alcohol-related problems was $185 billion, and the government pays about 38% of that cost (about $72 billion), all due to consequences of alcohol consumption, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse & Alcholism. For every dollar the government collects in alcohol taxes, it expends about $9 (for such things as Medicare and Medicaid treatment for alcohol-related health troubles, long-term rehabilitation treatment, unemployment costs, and Welfare). Does that seem like a model for emulation?
The legalization of alcohol is grandfathered in, and it is unlikely that major changes will be made. The last thing we should do is replicate this irrational business model. True, even though studies show both drugs are similar, many believe alcohol is worse. But even if we only see half the damages with marijuana, we cannot ignore the math: $4.50 for every $1 we collect is not a good business model.

Opinions and conclusions expressed in the BusinessWeek Debate Room do not necessarily reflect the views of BusinessWeek, BusinessWeek.com, or The McGraw-Hill Companies.

Reader Comments

Damian

March 26, 2009 03:49 PM

Bob, are you equating the socio-economic cost of marijuana use to that of alcahol abuse? If so, from what data did you reach this conclusion? I believe you're comparing a pin prick to the finger to an icepick in the eye.

Joseph

March 26, 2009 03:51 PM

Nice try.
Why would you attempt to draw parallels between the economic effects of ending prohibition of marijuana, to the huge industry that is alcohol sales? Your clearly intelligent enough to know that this is deceit through omission.
The effects of alcohol are in no way similar to marijuana. I'm not sure where you are getting your $185 billion dollar cost figure, but I'm sure whatever part is based in reality includes the massive destruction that alcohol does to the body, on top of the massive problems it creates for those under its influence.
Nobody gets high and beats their spouse and children. Nobody loses their kidneys, a pancreas, or a liver, no matter how much cannabis they consume. And now studies are conclusive that cannabis smoke is non-carcinogenic. There is no such thing as a pot-o-holic. Cannabis does not create any physiological addiction. You know this as well as I do, which reveals your social bias on this subject and the real reason you wrote this article.
Your numbers also don't take into account the huge costs to our society and to societies around the world of prohibition.
Last, nobody that I have ever heard speak on behalf of ending cannabis prohibition believes that we would see massive increases in use. In fact, we believe the opposite, that legalization will lead to a reduction in use as resources are moved toward the scientifically proven most effective way to reduce use, voluntary treatment.
Of course, I may be wrong about this if cannabis producers and distributors are given the wide freedom to advertise the way the alcohol producers and distributors are. No drug should be advertised anywhere at anytime. Period.
Oh yeah.
Prohibition was repealed because it was a massive failure. I don't know what being grand-fathered in has to do with that.

Legalize MEDICAL MARIJUANA.

Andrea Jordan
Michael Garramone

believe me YOU CAN make a difference

2010-02-09T18:31:00.000-06:00

Okay like the fb thing about the colors of the bra here goes. support this give it to your churches organizations doctors

http://www.thesouthernshift.com/tags/texas-coalition-compassionate-care

http://www.cannabisni.com/medicinal-cannabis-news/1295-the-texas-coalition-for-compassionate-care-want-marijuana-legalised-for-medicine

Source: http://www.nbcdfw.com/news/politics/Texas-Group-Wants-to-Legalize-Marijuana-as-Medicine-80676112.html

Legalize it please

2010-02-09T17:22:00.000-06:00

Please spread the word. Click the link to go to support for legalizing MEDICAL marijuana in texas. It is critical for cancer patients who have no desire to eat and are in chronic gut wrenching pain.

http://www.texascompassion.com/Print-Materials/minister-org%20statement.pdf

first wk of february 2010

2010-02-05T14:00:00.000-06:00

so this wk started off bad... really bad. I flipped out bc my cousin died he was 22.
so my family is distraught.
I was tired mon-thurs but this morning I woke up and it feels like I am on a very thin sheet of happiness and it will eventually grow and become solid or crack, splinter, shatter and I will fall through into the icy water below. Mike and I are playing the wait and see game.
I am scared and tentative, because I feel back to normal. normal is abnormal to me now. But Dr Fink is thinking of giving me the month of MARCH OFF!!!!!! That would be nice mike and I will pack up the dogs and just go away for a while.

ouch

2010-02-03T15:03:00.000-06:00

this sux. My hair hurts. not kidding the radiation is killing the folicles and it HURTS!!!!!! but I can't pull it out. I put tape on my head and ripped it off hoping that it would take the hair with it. it sort of worked. I just need to shave it.

But I made my fathers chicken soup. Yay!!!

Treatment Calendar

2010-02-01T13:25:00.003-06:00

Here is the most updated calendar of Andrea's treatment schedule.

http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=l1fpamh2dn7mfb35900euv0ric%40group.calendar.google.com&ctz=America/Chicago

We are working on trying to find other means of transportation through CanCare.org. However, their resources are very limited. If you would like help out and drive Andrea to or from any of her rehabilitation sessions, please contact me and I'll fit you in.

Thank you.

Mike