The heartbreak of Betrayal

Hello,
     I know I haven't posted in a while.  I have nothing to say.  But a friend recently walked into my life. Reminding me of this.
As in cancer relationships have to be mourned as well.  Many many many times over again.  We all deal with grief in different ways but it always ends up the same.  YOU WILL BE FINE.  This I promise you.  Time heals all wounds.  The threat of a horrible possibly fatal disease, loss of a spouse, family member or the like.
     No matter how you feel about it you must go through the grief stages.  in not neccisarily this order. Anger, Deppression, Bargaining, Denial and finally ACCEPTANCE.  the last one you will feel and think you are done just as soon as something comes along and hits you like a tsunami.  You get knocked right back to the beginning again.  I believe this is normal.  I have had ALOT of loss in my life.  Too much for my 30 years.  But the great creator or whoever holds the strings on us will never give you more than you can handle and never ever lets you be totally alone to deal with the trauma.
    Without my sisters, husband, parents and extended family I would not have lived this long.  The emotional support they provide is invaluable.  When true friends and family are suffering they will never let you go,  just DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!  Again I am going to quote CV  "YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!  EVEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN"

  Just look around you and accept the help.  everyone needs a little (or alot) of help sometimes.  Be it physical like helping someone get dressed or emotional like helping someone get through a deep betrayal.

what helps

During my journey I have several helpful things.  The first one, my friend Paul (6 times cancer survivor) he told me I had to make "friends" with my tumor.  I did and I named her Snarla, now I call her my homicidal child. 
Second: get a full body massage.  Cancer is STRESSFUL so get those knots worked out.  I just got back from a massage and I realize not that I should have done it WAY earlier.  I had like 80 knots (no exaggeration). George said I needed it badly.

 Keep your mind and body busy.  I do danceaton and poker.  DON'T withdraw from society.  I know that is the easiest thing to do.  Cancer makes you depressed as hell and if you let it get you you're gonna shave time off your life.  Find something you love to do and do that.  When you get bored try out new things.  You never know what you like if you don't try.

 Cancer is an eye opening and heartbreaking experience.  As I've said before none cancery people just don't understand that we have to come to terms with our death.  They will tell you that we are all gonna die, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow, I could have a heart attack later today blah blah blah.  They are saying it with the BEST intentions but they DO NOT understand what it is to accept you fate.  Even cancer patients are not all at the acceptance stage.  Hell I am in now way accepting because once you accept it that means you've given up the fight.  I have come terms with what will happen everyone says it won't, but I go by what the doctor says.  That Snarla will come back it is just a matter of time.

I reconnected with an old friend a few weeks ago. I love him and he is my Rome Rock.  He told me he went to Dads house to tell him that I have his support.  Dad never told me.  But I guess he thought I didn't need to know.  Ummm tip, when someone gives support for your loved one with cancer NEVER hold it back.  I didn't even know that he knew about my illness.  I was trying desperately to get back in touch with him.  But I guess I cannot hold it against my father. 

 Also let go of grudges they are petty and not worth taking to your grave.  You will be much less stressed if you learn to forgive.  Benton Nelson taught me that and he gave me a card that I carry with me all the time to remember to forgive people.  Most of them will misunderstand you telling your story for begging for sympathy.  However it is super cathartic to tell people about it and they in turn will tell you if they know someone in your situation or close to it.  I have met people with relatives that have brain, breast, and colon.  YOU can be a resource for these scared families.  Because make NO mistake Cancer is FUCKING SCARY.  It is like the monster under the bed that your parents could never find.  It is always lurking in the shadows.  So if someone is hateful to you about your story (probably won't happen) just think of the fear.  Cancer doesn't discriminate in age, race, gender, religious views. 

I am not trying to be the big bad wolf here but.... Don't Take Life For Granted!!!!!

Milestones

I made it to the big 30.  For most people this is no big deal but for me it is.  2 years ago I wasn't so sure I was gonna make it here.  Only by the grace of God, the surgeons, my team of doctors, and several friends who came out the woodwork, did I make it here.

     I cannot express my gratitude enough.  Dr. Lang did a beautiful job.  I got an xray of my skull yesterday, it is so cool looking.  I have these little round fasteners thingys on the place where they cut my skull for the operation.  4 of them, they look like little flowers.  Round with pins.  I could see clearly where he cut my skull and when I rub my head I can only feel the crack in one place.  When I cracked myself in the head with my car door 3 months ago it formed a lump.  I asked my doctor to feel the lump and she sent me for an xray.  From what I could see as she explained it to me, the door hit squarely on the crack in my skull which in turn healed but left a calcification on top of my head.  Great, I thought just what I need... another bump on my head.  HAHA

    My father sent me a card that said "What a millstone (Pun intended)"  I am sad to say I didn't get the joke.  I had to ask Fran.  Now I know that millstone means a significant mark in time, a round number.  I understand what it mean but cannot explain to anyone else accurately.  That is what radiation does.

   Anyway, I am going to lunch now (a salad) because Texas de Brazil tnt.
 
    
     

cancer and dreams

   So with the cancer and radiation damage comes memory loss and forgetfulness. I am not talking about forgetting birthdays here.  I am talking about how to do basic thing like tying shoes and turning on lights and such.  I even lost what comes after T in the ABC's.  It really makes me feel like dumb ass.  I repeat things over and over again and no one has the heart to tell me, "you said that already."  It is good they don't because that would embarrass me to the core.  I am eternally grateful.  I have twitches now, more persistent than they were before the surgery.  Blah blah blah I want some cheese with my whine.  I am still here and other people are not, so that makes me one of the lucky ones right?  I am still fumbling around trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  If I can't even help myself right now there is no way that I can help anyone else.   

Last night I had a dream about a person from my past.  She changed my life for the better.  She told me if a child has a horrible childhood it only takes one person to reach out and save them.  She was the one person who told me I had some awesome strength, I took that to mean I can freely get out of any situation and get through anything.  The thing that she said to me the most was You CAN do it.  One time she wrote me an email and the bulk of it was you can do it over and over again,  then if you ever think you can't just remember YOU CAN DO IT!!!
  I loved her like a mother but I had to her behind because my path of life took me a different place.  She was the one that told me Life can take you unexpected places.  After I left she said I was dead to her.  That shattered me.  I was hurt for a LONG time and I just started to heal, then I had a Dream about her in the dream I told her I was sorry for leaving her, not the situation but HER.  I asked her if she would ever move to Texas, she said that she couldn't because of all the storms.  I said they never hit us in Dallas.  I don't know why but she touched my soul. 
     She was there when I had no one in the world.  I still love her and always will.

Searching for people and strength

I have been searching for people from my high school on Facebook.  Graham Cooke who is Canadian and would be about 29 or 30 today, K.C. Fellows (Kelly Christian) again my age.   Kyle W who was a gaming buddy.

      But I guess God lets people drift through our lives when we need them and out when we have learned everything we can from them.  He leaves it to our free will, but helps us heal when we leave a bad or poisonous relationship.  Most of the people you meet that have a profound impact on your life, you will never see again.  I know for a fact that I will never see Hope again, she saved my life once, at 11 I came very close to drowning in a river that we were tubing in A guy saved me by swimming under the water in the rushing current and yanking me up because I was about to get caught under a log. Which would have meant a certain death.  I can't even remember his name, and I owe him my life.    I have been saved from death so many times and then I saved myself.  But I don't consider myself very lucky or unlucky or even exceptional.  I think it is normal for this fragile life to almost be taken away from us and for people to haul us back from the brink. 

    I like to believe that death will stop trying to take me for a little while.  Because I am proving to be a tough cookie.

Cracked elbows and cancer info

     I have worked with horses since I was 19.  I dealt with everything from Crazy ass racehorses, to sweet old retired brood mares.  I have been kicked in the head, thrown into a wall, kicked in the hip, been drug through the gravel by a foal (thanks Rab, now Kanu), all that and NEVER broken or cracked anything....
     That is until Friday June 11, 2011.  I was riding a 25 yr old gelding who was feeling particularly lazy thus was dragging his hooves (long in the feet), I was staying on just fine when he tripped 4 times prior.  Then he stumbled and I fell off, right onto my elbow, cracking my radial head. In my mind I called him a stupid heffer.  What came out of my mouth was a shocked and very shaken up, "He stumbled".  Alas as any good rider knows you have to get right back up there or else you will lose your nerve and be scared the rest of your life.  Now I have cancer and if Snarla did not scare me, I am damn sure not going to let a little fall scare me.  Everyone tells me what I already know: People DIE from falling off horses.  DUH I know that.  Hell I worked with theses big ole giants.  I also know the safest place for you is on the back of a horse.  Be calm and don't make loud sudden noises and you won't get stomped or kicked.   Now if your horses is attacked by bees Just hold on tight (Speaking from experience)  I was riding on a horse packing trip when my horse got stung by several bees at once, she reared then bucked and stopped.  By the grace of God I stayed on her back.

   Someone who shall remain nameless said, "Horses are dangerous. Just look at what happened to Michale Reeves."  Ok I did not have the heart to point out the astonishing number of differences there.
    1. He was jumping.
                 I am not alowed nor would I ever (without proper training) ever attempt a jump on a horse that I did not know or had not ridden before

     2. Michael Reeves probably did something drastically wrong with his body which caused the horse to shy and him to fly off over the horses head and land on his neck
                   I know how to fall when its off of a horse.  Tuck your shoulder and roll.  However because he STUMBLED i.e. almost went to his knees mid canter I had no space to tuck,  I did roll though.  I didn't go over his head I went off the side.

    Yes accidents happen but I don't need or want anyone telling me what I obviously already know.  My father for instance just said, "you do realize that people fall of horses and die."  I know they are worried about me and I appreciate that so much.  But what I don't appreciate is when someone makes a left field comment about something that is TOTALLY unrelated to me situation.  Like a JUMPING accident when I DON'T jump horses.  If you ride correctly there is nothing to worry about.  Just keep your weight IN the stirrups, don't get left behind, don't ride a horse that is too advanced for you make sure your tack is on correctly..... and so and so forth.

     Anywho, I will come down off my soapbox now.
   Who wants to know about my MRI??!!!!  Me, me, I do, I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was good.  Though the radiation damage is causing short term memory loss.  Example:  Yesterday I went to the stables to pay for next session and they got 2 new horses.  After being told 3 times what their names were, I finally remembered them like this, "there's a CHANCE you're gonna be JAZZY"  I was told I wasn't the first to fall off Jax.  I hope I will be one of the last though, he earned his retirement.





now on to the cancer stuff. we as cancer patient are stronger than people that have never had cancer.  Our caregivers are some of the strongest people in the world.  That doesn't make us better it just makes us different.   For those of you that are new to cancer or caring for someone with cancer, my heart goes out to you.  I am going to say to you the words that got me through my ordeal. 
Just remember, You CAN do it you can do it you can it.  and then when think you cannot go on YOU CAN DO IT.  Never ever give up.

A friend asked me to post this

Cancer Support Programs

It is no secret that when a person has cancer, is in remission, or has survived cancer that they are looking for support any way they can get it. Many patients with terminal cancers such as mesothelioma credit their family and friend's support for helping them get through the hard times. Treatment is hard and a supportive person can make things a little bit easier. There are many resources for cancer survivors and patients; one includes support networks and programs. According to Cancer.org, support groups "provide comfort, teach coping skills, help reduce anxiety, and provide a place for people to share common concerns and emotional support."

It may not be easy for a person to share their feelings and emotions with someone who has not experienced what they have. Support groups meet to discuss everyone's concerns and emotions. It can make some people stronger because the people they are sitting and talking with know what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. Stress and anxiety can be reduced and the quality of life in a person can improve through a cancer support groups. There are thousands of support groups found around the United States, and the physician treating the patient is sure to give them those resources.

The difference between a group therapy and a support group is who is leading the group. Cancer survivors, group members or professionals may lead a support group, but licensed counselors lead group therapies. There are many different types of support groups. However, no matter which support group you decide to choose, it is important to find one as soon as a mesothelioma prognosis is given. A cancer diagnosis is hard news to take, and it would be beneficial to that person to get a head's up on the road in front of them from people who have been there. Cancer survivors or people in remission have the most knowledge to give.

Studies and evidence have proven that support groups help people feel less lonely or helpless. They can move forward with their diagnosis and treatment when they have the support of people just like them.   Nobody is perfect therefore support from people going through or who have gone through the same thing can reduce tension, anger and confusion. Medication schedules are more likely to be followed when a cancer patient has support from their group. Many programs and networks help patients to fight the cancer and become survivors. If anything, quality of life is guaranteed to get better after the prognosis of cancer and treatment plan.

Support groups are crucial to the health of cancer patients and survivors. While medication and chemotherapy work on the physical aspect of the body, cancer support groups work on creating a positive mental attitude. Cancer support groups can help people to accept, cope and deal with their feelings around people who understand.  Nobody is prepared for tragedy to strike when receiving an unfavorable prognosis, but it can be easier to cope when there is support provided.

By: David Haas

 Remember You are not a bald freak.  You wear your bald head or scars as marks of a warrior that has stared death in the face and spat in its eye.

Life goes on (even if you don't want it to)

     I know what you are thinking... The title of the blog, is she depressed?  No. It is just a fact of life that we have to go on living even when our world seems torn apart.  I have taken up working out.  I tried pilates, hated it, tried spin, hated it.  So I tried zumba and I LOVED it.  I was soaking with sweat and stunk when it was over, but hey that's what showers are for.  I went to cardio dance party, I liked that even more than Zumba.  The problem is they don't offer them every day so some days I walk the dogs down Preston Ridge Trail. 
     I never believed people when they said getting a workout would make you feel better.  But they were right.  However today I was a lazy bum.  I sat on my laurels all day, slept from 10-12.  made lunch of a salad, slept from 2-4.  Walked dogs then made dinner. 

     Mike's parents are coming in town this Thursday.  I have a riding lesson Friday at 330.  Therefore if they want to come to that they are welcome. Tuesday Evening at 615 I take Indy to her agility class.  But I have NO idea what they are going to want to do.  I am making moist pork loin with rice and broccolli, Cornish game hens, Turkey shepherds pie, and something else that I haven't decided yet. 

     I have an MRI on the 21st and an appointment for the results on the 23.  No worries little miss Snarla is still asleep.  If she is not I will just BEAT HER ASS BACK INTO SUBMISSION.  I do not want to do any more surgery, also no more radiation but if they insist on radiation I will comply.  Chemo is no big deal for me.  I feel massive empathy for the people that chemo hits much harder.  Mine isn't the I.V.  it is just 3 pills  I take in the morning. 

     So every day I look up and see Grandaddys' flag and am reminded of just how lucky we are.  I was chopping green onions and was struck by a memory of him. He had a toothache and I was trying my best to get him to take some meds for it,  He did not want to and called me a "Bossy lady".  I got my feelings hurt so I went out to the yard and started pulling green onions out.  When Dad came to pick me up I reeked of onions and after washing my hands 3 times I still couldn't get the smell off.  He was right I am a "Bossy Lady" and proud of it.  I used to get run over all the time not anymore.

     We got a new Blu-Ray player!!!!! The old one was just messed up, it cut in and out and the last straw was when we were watching Megamind and it got stuck.  We were going to get a new one that weekend but before we could Grandaddy passed.  So two weeks later we went to Best buy and picked up a new one.  Now you would think that the new one would work...No.  After 3 trips back to Best Buy we finally got one that worked.  Michael was going to return it too but he figured out how to work it the next morning.  Now you may be thinking "Isn't Michael an ENGINEER?"  Yes he is but he is an Senior RF Engineer that deals with cell signals, not blu-ray players.  Excuses, excuses right?

     People are complaining it is sooo Hot.  To that I say Just wait until August.  I will be a hermit by then.  Only going out in the morning and to the gym.  Humans are just not equipped for a sudden transition from 70s to 90s. 

     I seem to have forgotten all the punctuation lessons from grade school.  I am afraid I am never going to get a job and my paintings aren't selling.  So I have to either stop painting or give them away.  Nobody has any money for frivolous purchases such as paintings.  Albeit some of the proceeds got to Brain tumor research but I will be taking a loss when shipping them.  Any ideas?  One solution is to take them to the Grey Matters meetings and let the other brain tumor survivors pick and choose what they want for free.  I also am afraid that I will take them an no one will want them.  I have been hanging them up in the guest bedroom.  I put nail holes in the walls everywhere and now I am trying to cover up the damage by putting nails in the holes and hanging the paintings.  NO NEW nail holes.  But a big thank you to Bob V for teaching me how to hammer correctly.  I haven't smashed my thumb...yet. 
    
     Until next time.....